Looking at the Yoni or Lingam with Love

A friend, “Dick’s, they are all the same!”

Me, “Not really.”

Friend about a women, “They put hair down there for a reason.”

Me, “What?”61773baf38bfe1b696874382d934c62c

Shrugs, “To cover up how ugly it is!”

I have so much I want to say on this topic and I have struggled with it over the weekend along with food poisoning.  We are our bodies.  There isn’t us and our body, which ne must battle to control. There is the body. Every cell in marked as belonging to our body.  How can any of that be bad?GEORGIA OKeefe

That means everything in our body is good.  Yet, people still have so much negative to say about the sexual organs.  They give them ugly names and make fun of them or make comments like the ones I have heard all my life.  As for names, I have no emotional baggage attached to names.  I like pussy and I have even grown to like cunt.  I like cock, or dick or penis.  I do not care for prick or anything that makes it seem small and insignificant nor anything that makes the female organ seem insignificant. As a tantrika (one who practices Tantra) I am encouraged to refer to the female joy center as the yoni and the male joy center as the lingam.

Having said that I am constantly shocked at how little many people know about their bodies and how the sexual organs work and how they look.  Are you looking at your partner and your own body?  Everyone should be.  To gaze with longing and acceptance at your partner’s most erotic center is important and establishes desire and intimacy and I could name 50 more good things about it.  It is sexy, it is filled with erotic feelings and desire and love.  If you can’t look at the yoni or lingam with love and desire how can you be a good lover?  It seems to go together.

And for the record all dicks are not the same none are the same they are all different and unique just like the yoni is different and unique.



It is Hot

images (15)Here in Eastern Idaho we are having a brief hot spell. It is not the good hot, but the bad hot. So I wanted to talk about one thing. Water. Hardly any of us drink enough water. Just being dehydrated by 5% will make you feel depressed and low on energy. Your brain is almost all water and in Tibetan Tantra it is connected to the element of water and corresponds to the elemental water meditation.

Also water lubricates out joints and sexual organs and being over hot and dehydrated doesn’t make anyone feel sexy until about 12 at night when you are outside camping or parking and making out. I would challenge you that are over 30 to get a partner and go down to a cool spot at night and make out. Take along a bottle of sparkling water and hydrate and see where the cool midnight breezes take you.

Why did we stop having sex?

In my dating life and now my professional life I am always surprised to hear men say that they love their wives but are no longer sexually active with them or the sex is irregular. The ones that are trying to date me, I assume are being somewhat dishonest, but lately I wonder if that is the case. In my mind I think you are married, you have a partner, you love your partner, why aren’t you making love to your partner. Bottom line is that I tend to be a little simple minded like that. Why would you not have sex? I think I went over a few reasons, health, resentments, and conflict in the relationship. My response is that sex makes us healthier by increasing hormone levels, resentments deepen without connection and conflict it more intense when there is no sex in the relationships. Sex will actually heal the reasons you are not having sex.

I think another reason is that sex is intimate maybe even more intimate than we want to be. If we can depersonalize with porn, dirty talk, getting spicy as some call it we don’t feel vulnerable, we don’t open ourselves to someone really knowing the deepest part of us.   We can go about our daily routines with a person and they are there in body, but without a truly intimate connection they are not there in soul.   Intimacy, true intimacy is stressful and comes with a lot of work and growth. Not everyone is up for the task.

One main reason we don’t seek out sex in a marriage is to avoid intimate feelings of connection. I know that good marriages do happen and married couple continue to have sex and be happy in bed. So when you find yourself not having sex, or making excuses to avoid sex and really exploring sexual pleasure in a marriage it is a good time to begin some real communication.  Tantra communication or non violent communication offers very valuable ways to talk about sex and intimacy in a direct problem solving manner. untitled (25)



The Sexless Marriage and can Tantra help?

imagesZKM1BZFWI listen to people and I also do a lot of research through scientific peer reviewed journals. The funny thing is that the peer reviewed journals are about the same as what I hear from people. Studies are almost always done to validate what is already known. What is known is that Americans are in more and more sexless marriages. The current estimate is the 15% to 20% of marriages are completely sexless. It doesn’t seem like a huge amount but also factor in 50% of marriages are ending in divorce and that is a lot of unhappy sexless relationships. I find this dreadfully sad. Sex feels so good. Being touched and touching another feels better than anything in the world. People men and women need the comfort of touch. It brings balance and harmony to your life. If something is that good why do people stop having sex in a relationship?  The following is from articles I have read and also my own opinions and experiences.

Women—this is a concept I am not personally familiar with, but have come to accept as true. Women need to feel an emotional connection to their partner to be able to have sex with them. They want to feel loved and appreciated and heard. They also want to feel accepted for themselves. When women do not feel an emotional connection to their partner they do not feel desire for them either.

Men—want to feel desired and sexually vital. When they get rejected often by their partner they withdraw and cease to make an effort. It is no fun to be told no. Plus it is wounding.

The Cycle—women need to feel an emotional connection and intimacy or they will often reject sex after a man is rejected many times he withdraws and stops asking and the relationship can slowly slip into a sexless union.

There are also other factors:

Health—when one of the partners develops health issues and feels like having less sex or can’t. Diabetes is a major factor. For men it is more difficult to get an erection and they require more stimulation. For women they are more vulnerable to yeast infections and bladder infections from sex. Good hygiene, good lubrication and using the bathroom before and after sex and help eliminate bladder and yeast infections and being proactive with medications from your doctor. I am very up front with my doctor and about what I need when I am sexually active. Health is a factor, but with good communication the help of others it should not ruin sex and intimacy.

Lose of Attraction—when one or the other of the partners loses their looks it can cause a problem for the other partner. If one partner puts on a great deal of weight or stops caring about how the look or smell, this can be a turn-off. Looks are very important to me. They always have been. However, if I care a lot about a person and I have gotten to know them looks are much less important to me. For example, I do not care for heavy men. I had a boyfriend out of high school that was heavy and I never slept with him. I just couldn’t. However, several years after my divorce I began a relationship with a heavier man and he was so wonderful to me and willing to explore Tantra and so amazingly giving in bed that his body become very attractive to me. He became very attractive to me. Our sexual relationship let me see beyond his physical appearance to his soul. Even a perceived lack of physical attraction is often a lack of emotional and intimate connection.

The question is can Tantra help with these issues? The answer is yes. It is one of the reasons I studied Tantra formally was to learn how to help couples increase a sense of connection, and intimacy and enjoy a happy sexual life together. images90GRIYH5So tomorrow folks how Tantra can help with a sexless marriage by bringing back connection and intimacy.


Sex and Age and Mormon Bishops and Confession of Sexual Sins

We never get too old for sex. And we shouldn’t be. We are sexual beings until our last breath or exhalation. Sexual energy is what moves our soul and our spirit.

“There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond us all, beyond the heavens, beyond the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the Light that shines in our heart.”

Chandogya Upanishad (circa 7 th to 8 th century B.C.E.) Sacred philosophical Hindu literature.

That is our energy our heart our sexuality. I was lucky I never felt guilty about sex. I had been making out with a guy not a boyfriend or anything just a guy. And I went home and was walking to my grandma’s house for some reason. She lived about 100 yards from our house.

I stopped and looked up into the sky. And the stars were like diamonds in the velvet black of night. So many of them and I had this intense feeling of being whole and complete. I connected that with the making out session. And I never felt remorse or guilt about anything attached to sex after that. Although I didn’t know it at the time that was a glimpse of enlightenment.

When I was young we were called into to the Mormon Bishop’s office to confess our sexual sins. I found this very odd and now looking back on it really creepy. They would ask me if I was immoral or if I had ever been molested by a boy and I would always say no. And I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t molested by boys and by my understanding I wasn’t being immoral. That was me and I think I was unusual. Most people were harmed by these interviews. It produced guilt and shame and feelings of unworthiness. This same sort of scenario is played out in many churches and homes and schools. When we are young, shame and guilt is used to try and control our sexual urges. When we age and are older it is the same in many ways. We don’t want to think of older people as sexual. Women are often referred to as old and dried up and men as limp, but neither is true. Still once again we begin to feel shame about our desires and our bodies.

It would seem to make sense that these feelings of shame guilt would disappear as we grow older.  However, a funny thing happens. As we age and our bodies change and our feelings change about life and sex and love those old feelings of shame from puberty come back to haunt us. Women claim they don’t feel like having sex. They feel content without it. When asked to explain it often comes out they don’t feel like older people should be sexual sort of like how they were told that young people weren’t allowed to be sexual.

At a time in our lives when we need physical touch and intimacy the most, both sexes have a tendency to reject it. The saddest thing to me is to see a couple that is married and friendly but haveimages (12) given up on intimacy. I wanted to get this much up and posted and tomorrow write more about age and Tantra communication

Premature Ejaculation:


I common goal for men is to last longer. There are techniques that can help with this and I teach them. They include breath work, how to touch the lingam, and the pressure block and there are  many  esoteric practices for advanced Tantra.  They have to be practiced and change is not immediate. However they do work. But tonight I want to  talk about emotional issues in relationship to premature ejaculation and the lingam.

According to studies normal run of the mill intercourse is about 7 minutes long. It takes a woman 10 minute of intercourse to have an orgasm if she can have an orgasm vaginally. So obviously we have a 3 minute difference.   However, most considerate men make sure their partner has orgasmed before intercourse begins. If you partner has already orgasmed and you have engaged in a good amount of foreplay and it has been pleasurable then really how long you last is only as long as you want to. It is not a contest so a good guideline is what feels good to you.

The vast majority of woman that like the man like their penis also. Women don’t break up with a man because of their penis. However, women do not crave the lingam the way a man craves pussy. Most women don’t. They like having an orgasm, they like intercourse and the physical and emotional connection of intercourse and I think that is what men like also.   The key factor is communication.

Ask your partner, “Could you please tell me if you want us to have intercourse longer. I feel like I might not be satisfying you.” Right there you open up what is called Tantra Communication. You ask for what you want and you are lovingly open to the response. Then be open to the response. What you hear might surprise you.

Another option to help with premature ejaculation is get used to intense stimulation by self-pleasuring, increase intercourse, increase oral sex,imagesFM4NXXV4 and to truly let go and enjoy every sensation of the orgasm. Then when you are inside of the yoni be present and enjoy how it feels to be inside of your partner and to enjoy every bit of her. So in this case the problem is also the cure.

Is Pleasure a dirty word for Mormons?

images (5) Pleasure seems like it is dirty word for many people. It is like saying cock in public or pussy. It gets a very strange reaction from people. Recently I realized for men pleasure means sex and in particular an orgasm.

However, pleasure is also the feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. There are many things that we find pleasing other than sex. When I walk my two young dogs the act of watching them run and play in the foothills fills me with pleasure. When we have a good meal that is pleasurable. The more we have in our lives that gives us pleasure the more satisfaction and happiness we will find. When we fill our lives with things and people that give us pleasure the more we feel a happy satisfaction with life.

Still pleasure remains a dirty word. One of the primary components of our lives is to seek out pleasure and avoid pain, but we make that a sin. My Mormon upbringing focused on hard work, sacrificing for others, putting my needs last, not expecting to be happy and pleasure seeking was seen as evil.

I think that is wrong. I know that when I choose things that give me pleasure such as a wine a truly like I take satisfaction in that. It makes me happy. A couple of times a week I go to a bar and sit by Bob and we talk about our impending doom, our gardens, and then enjoy our drinks. He drinks beer and I have what is called a Foxtail. I don’t know Bob’s last name we are only bar stool acquaintances. This is basically the type of behavior my mother always warned me about or if I didn’t live right I would end up on a bar stool alone. The truth is I enjoy that time, a lot. I enjoy listening to Bob discuss his garden, I enjoy my drink, and I enjoy the atmosphere. It brings me pleasure. I also know that one drink will bring me pleasure but 3 will not. So pleasure is balanced out with consequences.

Once you embrace pleasure you begin to make choices based how much pleasure something will bring you. When I buy clothes I look at it to decide if it will make me happy to wear it, and how it will feel on my skin, and how it will feel to others. By making choices that satisfy my senses I bring more pleasure into my life. That ability to make measured choices that bring pleasure translates into seeking more pleasure from sex and realizing that pleasure doesn’t reside in the yoni or lingam alone. And the ironic thing is that the less we focus on the genitals the more pleasure we feel from the experience of sex. The opposite is also true the more you focus your pleasure on just the lingam or yoni the less pleasure you will take away from a sexual experience.images (6)

The Secret of a Woman’s Orgasm

A Woman’s Orgasm

252558-270286-4029It seems like men are not as familiar with the female orgasm as I believed.  I did have a friend tell me that all women do not orgasm the same, which is a no brainer.  However his special take on it was not all yoni’s  had contractions, which they do.  He believed that some yoni’s ballooned out during an orgasm.  And yes that does happen right before a woman has an orgasm.  So he had never experienced a woman having an orgasm and he was 64.  Later when I talked with his gf she admitted to never having had an orgasm, never, and he didn’t even know.  There are 2 lessons to be learned here.  1-Women do not lie about having orgasms. 2-Men know enough about women’s bodies that you know if she is having an orgasm.

Above is a pretty clear picture of a woman’s genitals.     The clitoris has approximately 8,000 nerving endings, which is more than anywhere else in the female body. The penis only has 4,000.  The clitoris has only one purpose and that is pleasure.  The nerve endings extend throughout the pelvic cavity.  To ignore it during sex seems a little bit self defeating. Yet, I have had men brush my hand away and I have read this is not an uncommon occurrence.

For a woman to have an orgasm she needs stimulation.   She needs foreplay and to trust her partner. Foreplay is very underrated.  Foreplay should bring as much pleasure as sex.  Being touched, held, bit, slapped, kissed, licked, massaged whatever brings the body pleasure should be explored. To get a woman ready for orgasm the entire female body needs to be stimulated and her senses.  That is why suitors traditionally offered flowers and candy and wine.   Women liked to be kissed on all parts of their body.  Sex isn’t like making coffee some chore with a pleasurable payoff.  I actually know people that seem to like coffee better than sex and that is just sad.

First Thing:  Use foreplay in anyway that feels good and spend 30 to 40 minutes on it.  Maybe not every time, but at least once a week.   

Second Thing: Play with a woman’s clitoris in a way that is pleasant and sexual for her.   This includes sucking lightly on it,  flicking it, rubbing it back and forth.  Generally the very tip of it is super sensitive so it is better to rub above it. When she begins to lubricate continue  rubbing it gently at first and then with a confident sure touch in a firm circular motion.  Many women like pressure from the entire hand right above the pubic bone as you rub the clitoris.

Do not Forget: Men you are part of this too.   Let your partner touch and do thing that you like and explore your body.

Almost Last Thing: when you are both aroused or just after the woman has orgasmed begin sex.  Usually the woman will be having after shocks of her orgasm and continue to have contractions and perhaps orgasm again. Make sure you are both taking deep breaths and maintain eye contact or check in with eye contact and remember that an orgasm is the outcome of pleasure.  Give each other enough pleasure and you will have an orgasm.

Last Thing:  Tell your partner what you most enjoyed about being with them.  Express your appreciation in words.

In our society for whatever reason there is a focus on the lingam as the only path for both the male and female to achieve orgasm.  This is not true.   Freud considered the clitoral orgasm in women as infantile and believed that a mature and healthy woman was satisfied by penetration alone.   It is just not true and males can have orgasms outside of strictly lingam stimulation by stimulating the prostrate.   The lingam is good and the word translates into Shaft of Light.  And it should be a healing for the male and the female.

However, never forget that as wonderful as the lingam is there is more to pleasure than just the lingam. Our entire body is built to experience pleasure in particularly sexual pleasure. Last thought.  Sex is not a chore. images (12)