Our Bodies, our pleasure

I have been most surprised at how little most people men and women know about their bodies.  Many women have not looked at their own yoni and neither have their lovers.  And the same can be said for men.    They know a little about their lingam, but only has much as they have to to get an orgasm from it.  bannan

It stands to reason if you don’t know your body how can you know how to give it pleasure? If you can’t share the sight of your body with your partner it is difficult to establish a deep connection.  Quite a few clients are not aware of the sweet spots on their own lingams and even less aware of the sweet spots on women’s bodies.  Everyone has a sweet spot.  And excuse the use of my dog, but Frank has a sweet spot on his hip  and when I scratch it his left legs jerks up and down and he smiles at me.   To give pleasure,to get pleasure, we must know our own bodies and how they work and what feels best. Then we need to listen to our partner so we know how to please them.nipple clamps

One surprising thing, although I am constantly surprised by people, is that so few people have explored their own bodies.  Things I would think are quite natural is stimulating the nipples to see if that feels good.  Most men and women enjoy nipple stimulation from a little touch to hard pinching even clamps.  For some men nipple play doesn’t sound masculine or even hints at homosexual tendencies  which is just not true.  Nipples feel good.  Nipples are a very sensual zone for both men and women and should be explored.

Also, I can’t be the only person that explored their own bum when they were little.   That feels awesome.  And is still does for both men and women.  Bodies are bodies and while pulp media can focus on the difference,  many of our sensations as men and women are the same as we exists as a body on this world first and what feels good to me as a woman such as my feet being massaged my nipples being played with can also feel as  good to a man and the bum can be another post, but the bum is a good place for play.

 

Breathing for better Sex

I got a really funny email from someone that said, I get it breathe in and out.  Guess what you are smart ass and probably do not get it. One of the hardest poses I learned was the boat pose.  I have a very weak core because of early childbirth.  Even before that I didn’t have a strong ab area.

The boat pose uses all of your ab muscles  and some of your legs also. It took my 15 years to do this pose. You read that right 15 years. And the break through came from using a different breathing technique.  I switched to breath of fire.  In a week I was able to do a pose that had eluded me for 15 years.  I thought it was awesome. I still do.lyre

Breathing is key to relaxation, good sex and stronger orgasms.  And guess what most people do not breathe well.   They don’t.  Most people take shallow breaths in their chest and their shoulders pump up and down all day long.  Guess what that leads to— neck pain and headaches.  Taking deep full breaths that inflate the lungs and using  the diaphragm will relieve that pain.  I will testify to that.  I broke both my C4 nd C5 and used to get terrible tension between my shoulders.  Once I began breathing correctly I never get that and I do not have headaches and my anxiety is not as high.  I come from family of people who suffer from anxiety.  It is just some sort of genetic weakness from the Danes.  Probably the same sort of thing that sent Vikings out on rages. and louting and pillaging and raping. It is what it is.  However, I have been able to control my anxiety for years through correct breathing, yoga, meditation and feeling my emotions when they occur.  I am not saying I am enlightened by any means, but I am a hell of a lot happier.  I am big on happy.  I was a happy kid and happy most of my life until that eroded through a terrible marriage. I like happy.  Dumb stuff makes me happy.  I live for the small moments of my day. And I am grateful yoga brought me to that place.

Nightfall painting and giclee on canvas by artist Michael Parkes

Nightfall painting and giclee on canvas by artist Michael Parkes

But on to sex!!! when I started practicing Tantra it was to be enlightened not to have better sex. Then I learned I had to have great sex to experience enlightenment. What a bonus.  And to do that I needed to learn how to breathe and so I did.  I learned new breath techniques that expanded my orgasms to full body orgasms.  Breathing correctly gets you in touch with your body in ways nothing else can.  So it is a huge part of what I teach and how I teach.

Lifesavers: Sex and Poetry and Yoga

Other than yoga, writing saved my life.  It is and was a place where I could be completely honest and voice feelings that I couldn’t say to others.  Most if not all my poetry has to do with sexual experiences and particularly my grasping for intimacy and also my ambivalence about intimacy.  I have a great faith in writing and writing our truth.  Even if others do not read it.  It has value.  It has been placed in the heavens and at least shines is truth on the writer.  At least honest writing does. So for me it is also another practice at Tantra communication and my goal of being honest about my life.

angel

The necklace dish

I rummage through a homemade pot for a coral necklace, my

fingers run over fresh water pearls, faceted amber, spikes of turquoise, but the

coral is missing.

Impatiently I search and then give up eager to sip cocktails and make small talk.

The next day I find the necklace in an unexpected place that brings the memory of why.

 

Reaching behind my neck, I unhook the silver clasp and tentatively brush my mouth

over his lips while knowing it is unnecessary, unneeded.

His mouth opens and the kiss lingers until I pull away. This isn’t why, isn’t

necessary, isn’t needed.

The necklace falls from my hand as my fingers touch the tattoo that circles his neck, some silly

phrases from a movie. He shivers and whispers, “Hurry, I’m hard.”

I chuckle into his neck, “You are always in a hurry and hard.”

I am comfortable with the growing familiarity of demands, eager not to talk or think.

“I’ll be in touch,” ” I know you will be.”

We don’t kiss goodbye or watch where the other goes. I press my hand to my face

inhaling the scent of him like it is cocaine.

Tantra Communication or the Art of asking for what you want in Bed!

One aspect of Tantra that I am really trying to work on is the  art of communication.  I value honesty and honest communication. But to be honest sometimes my honest communication is just rude.  So this is an area of work for me.  What I think is very valuable is that I offer a time and space when a person can be completely honest about their sexual concerns.  I take my job as a coach, counselor,  teacher seriously and I to not betray confidences or talk about my clients.  So when a person does lie to me about somethings that is absolutely not worth lying about, it throws me.  Plus it is not helpful to the person I am in session with.  That lie stands between getting honest help and getting help based on a falsehood.  Help based on a falsehood is not help at all and will not feel like help and will not resonate within your body as something beneficial.1305109046_383741

It is similar to the woman who lies about having an orgasm.  When she figures out how to orgasm how does she tell her partner, who thinks she has been having orgasms all the time ?  It is catch 22 and the main reason lies and dishonesty are so harmful, but especially in the bedroom and intimate relationships or friendships or professional relationships. Dishonesty and falsehoods are just harmful, but mostly to ourselves.

For example if I need something in bed and I am not getting it that unmet even unspoken need puts a wall between me and my partner.  It may be an unspoken and invisible wall, but it is still a wall.  And it still creates barriers rather than building intimacy.  And that needs becomes a huge issue of unspoken and unresolved conflict.  And here is where a lesson from Tantra comes into play.  It encourages us to ask for what we want and need in bed and in life.  The catch is that we are to ask with love and compassion.  Once our needs are framed in love the other person is more likely to want to meet our needs.   This is not manipulation.  It is s technique of communication. Tantra provides techniques.

I spent years demanding sex from my ex-husband.  I could have said, “I love you and I want to share that love by  making love to you.” However that would have been dishonest.  I should have said, “Can you please listen to me and understand I am speaking from my heart, I need sex to validate my femaleness.  I need sex because it is an important part of my identity.   However, I do not love you and it feels like just sex to me and if we can’t make love, I believe we should consider ending this relationship.”   That sounds just a little too honest.  However, that honesty would have saved me tens years of unhappiness. Plus at that time I would have sought  out another marriage  and perhaps found the soulmate that has eluded me.  But instead I choose dishonesty and the person it most hurt was me.

If you have session with me be honest.  I can help you more through honesty than any other way.  Be honest and open with your partners and friends and people in general and ask for what you want and do it with love.  My religious background taught me to lie, mostly to myself about what I wanted.  What lifts me up in Tantra is the technique  of honesty in communication and asking for what is truly in my heart and doing that with compassion,

Peace out my bed awaits, jill

The art is my Michael Parks please check out his gallery. 600full-michael-parkes

 

Good Sex vs Bad Sex

I am constantly asking my friends, my family, people I work with and people I randomly run into what they consider good sex.  I have girlfriend who loves sex, but has never had an orgasm with a man.  I am thinking why bother or why aren’t you asking to be pleased and why do you like sex so much if you don’t orgasm?  I don’t have the answers but bizarrely enough neither does she.  There is just this strange acceptance that sex is like that and it can’t be changed.  My thinking about this brings me to a rather odd conclusion, but one that has some logic to it.  We develop a sexual map when we are young and we don’t deviate much from it. We accept that sex and relationships are a certain way.  A lot of women learn to accept that sex is something a man does to them and they are somewhat passive in their sex lives. And men accept the idea sex is something they do to women.

This sexual map is something we base our relationships on and act out in the bedroom or sometimes in totally inappropriate ways. Often a man’s sexual map will include how to group women.  Nice women behave this way and they really don’t like sex or only like it with men they deeply love, and they don’t talk about it so I treat them with respect.   Women who like sex or talk about sex are whores and I can talk to them as I wish.  These feeling and beliefs based are based on childhood teaching,  religious or otherwise, and women have their own maps of what men should act like and how they should behave.  One girlfriend told me that men should just know how to please a woman because they are men. I said, well is there some school for men to teach them how to be men and how to please women in bed?

So both sexes have a sexual map and instead of this guiding us to good sex it tends to lead up to bad sex and bad relationships.  Bad sex for me is sex without connection and no orgasm.  Good sex always has an orgasm and a point of deep connection.  However some people are stuck in their rut and as much as they say they want to change they won’t give up old patterns.  They take the ideas given to them and pervert them. I have seen people do this with Tantra.  I know Tantra people who have emotional and sexual relationships with  people who come to them for help. I find that appalling and a terrible example of boundaries.  One thing I speak about a lot is honest and clear communication and asking for what we want.  Yet the catch is that if what I am saying is offensive or if what the other person is saying is offensive the listener has the right to ask them not to speak.

There is a huge difference between open and honest communication and being abusive and crude.  The difference is usually shown when the verbally abusive person is asked to refrain from their behavior  and they fall back on their old sexual map of what women and men should be like together.   As they have deviated  from that map,  they meet honesty or differences with fear and anger and lashing out at the person that has taken them off course.  I myself took a long time to come to Tantra.  I didn’t accept many of its teachings and I didn’t accept the spiritual aspect of it.  I  had a map.  And it went like this,  I got married; I had kids; they went to college and got good jobs.  I would then return to the work force to help my husband build up a substantial retirement fund.  My husband and I would enjoy a great relationship with our kids and grandkids and have plenty of money for vacations.   We would have our normal sex that was orgasmic but lacking in intimacy or connection. And then I would gracefully grow old baking cookies and bread and tending my roses and my husband would adore me like my grandfathers adored their wives and my father adored my mother.

That was my sexual or life map.  And I was attached it.  Completely attached to it.  It took some tragic shit for me to give up on that, and I damaged people and myself and built up a huge amount of  anger.  The it took a long time for me to finally move past that anger.  One key turning point was that a neighbor developed an alarming hate for me.  It was alarming and connected with her own sexual map and a romantic rejection,  which she blamed on me.    One day when she knew I would be gone for a few hours with my daughter on a Sunday drive she went into my backyard and strangled my dog.   I came home to see her leaving my backyard and to my dog laying their lifeless on the ground.  I still get shivers thinking about it.  I suspect she wanted me to react and go over and start a fight with her so she could hit on me and then call the police.  I didn’t do anything but feel shock and then I called the police, reported the incident, buried the dog, and called a friend.  Because what I felt wasn’t anger.  It was grief  and I felt that grief rather than anger and I knew that my only emotion for intense feelings was no longer anger or rejection but the true emotion under the anger:  hurt, sadness, grief, loss, embarrassment, disappointment.  Whatever it was I was no longer locked into one emotion or one map of how I should behave.  I as recently told I was old.  This is not new information to me.  In fact I have suspected it for the last 10 years or more.

However, it doesn’t impact me.   I have goals and desires and plan to be sexual until I break a hip or something.  And I plan to continue my tantric journey and hopefully help others explore their on sexual maps for places where they are off course or trapped.

Peace out, jill

images (8)

#1 Sexual Problem

cat  The number 1 sexual problem for 97% of the people is frequency.  Either they complain they have to do it too much or they never have sex or they lack a sexual partner.  I am asked if Tantra is beneficial to single people and or those not having sex with their partners and I have to say yes it is. I became interested in Tantra through a partner and I would have loved to have had more time to explore with him, but it didn’t happen. However, I continued to learn about Tantra and yoga and mediation and while it is nice to have someone to walk with you on your spiritual path it is okay to do it alone.  And the same goes for sex.

One way I have learned to walk my solo my path is to bring more pleasure into my life in all areas.  I focus on only having things in my life that truly bring me joy and pleasure.  I use this philosophy in everything I do. I do not buy or eat food I do not enjoy.  I do not do exercises I hate.  I choose exercises I enjoy and bring me happiness. I like yoga so I do yoga.  I like hiking.  One of the things that makes me the happiest during the day is going to one of my hiking trails with my two young dogs and hiking.  I love to watch them.  They are so filled with joy and they are such beautiful creatures that just watching them makes me happy.   I look forward to that experience every day.  Much like I used to look forward to having sex with my husband every day when I was young.   If I had a husband now or a lover I would want to have sex everyday or some form of physical intimacy.  It would be a source of great conflict if he didn’t have the same level of sexual desire.  I hear that frustration with some of my clients and I understand it. It is an area that requires delicate communication skills and the ability to have compassion and empathy for the other person.

It has been my experience that most people men and women enjoy good sex.  When there is a lack of frequency it is usually because of conflict in the overall relationship, stress and overwork and being over tired or poor health.  I do know that it is not healthy for a relationship to be sexless or have very little sex because it breeds too much resentment.  A relationship has to find balance. Two people have to find a way to meet each others needs in a way that both people are happy and satisfied.   Tantra can help in improving sex itself, but also improving intimacy and connection through the practice of Tantra communication.  The core of Tantra communication is compassion and honesty. That goes back to compassion and honesty for ourselves.  The most important relationship we will ever have is the one we have with our self.  The relationship needs to be filled with compassion and honesty.  It is bad to lie to others it is worse to lie to yourself.  You can’t fix a problem you don’t acknowledge.  If I am unhappy and I refuse to acknowledge my own  unhappiness I can’t change it and I will continue to be unhappy.

Tantric communication can help with sexual frequency  in a relationship.  First, it has to be acknowledged as a problem, but in a loving and honest way.  One way is to simply state,  I love you and I need to express that by making love more frequently what can I do to help you want to make love more?

For those of us currently on a solo path or single, Tanta meditation and sexual self pleasuring practices  increase energy and make you more confident and attractive to sexual partners.  It really does.  Sexual confidence and knowledge are attractive traits.  images (17)

Is that Tantra?

I get to listen to a lot of people and I find that interesting and a gift.  I appreciate it as I learn so much.  What I hear is private and not for discussion.  However, there are a few things I do not consider private and feel I should discuss.  One is the meaning of Tantra.  In the West when people say Tantra they think sex. And I say this website it about sex and it is in a way.  Tantra is about sex in the way that our major source of energy is our fire chakra which is located at the base of our central channel.  That is basically our sexual parts either yoni or lingam.  So sex fuels a lot of our activity and thoughts and our creativity.   Sex is vastly important for a healthy life.  Also a good relationship includes intimacy and connection.  That is the aspect of Tantra that I focus on.  The Tantra practice I hear a lot about is a massage practice that is basically a back rub and hand job.  First I do not consider that Tantra in any way and you can use fancy words for the hand job and you can sugar coat your job as a Tantra goddess, but it  is basically a back rub with a hand job.

This is not my training or what I do.  I have had a few people ask for that treatment or worse expect it and then be surprised that my Tantra experience does not include an orgasm.  An orgasm generates a lot of energy and creates an connection that I do not feel is a good idea to share with someone that you do not have an intimate relationship with.  I do not believe the orgasm is the healing factor in Tantra.  I have seen teachers and other Tantra people get fixated on this notion that they can heal by giving out orgasms and achieve enlightenment entirely through orgasms.  If that was the case I would have achieved enlightenment at 17.  a kiss

Tantra is experienced in 3 ways:

Through communication

Through touch and movement

And through the breath

This can include orgasms, but it doesn’t need to. Fearless-e1382723753637

When I hear, I visited a Tantra gal and she whipped her hair back and forth on me, used her mouth and hands on my lingam and did this or that, My thoughts and words are this: ” Well, each of us have a different path and that is not mine.”   My goal is to help each client achieve a better understanding of their body, how their breath works to promote relaxation and peace of mind, and how to achieve a deep state of relaxation through the breath and how to accept sex as a part of a spiritual path or as a deeply satisfying aspect of their own private life. I do talk openly about sexual matters. I do offer techniques to improve connection, and orgasms.  I offer a technique of communication and touch that enlivens the entire body and dispersers sexual pleasure throughout the body, but it is not an orgasm. I also communicate clearly and openly.  This means that at times if I feel I am not being respected or treated properly I will cut off communication and I will tell you why in a clear and compassionate manner and then block you on my phone.  I am a deeply compassionate person, but I am not a patient one.  We all have flaws and that is mine.

 

Peace out, all

 

Life in a Small Community & Sex

alluvial fan_pocatello I live in a small townThat means things get around.  People talk. My neighbors ask what I am doing.  I have lived here all my life and I like it.  I plan to die here unless I win the lottery and then I am buying a castle in the South of France and getting a pack of hounds and dying there with my 27 year old moat boy.  But most likely I will die here.  I am totally good with that. I like that idea.

However for much of my life I have let small town conventions and small town religion control my behavior.   That is the part I am over.  I believe that Tantra is a way to spread love and to improve life on this planet.  The work I do brings joy at least in that moment and we can only live in the moment.  And I have to be true to my path and my path doesn’t include shame, guilt, repression, or denial of the body. We are our bodies.  All of our energy our good feelings come from our sexual energy.  By repressing and denying that sexual energy we deny what is most alive in us, what is most vital.

I can’t do that anymore.  I have practiced and studied and learned so much I feel it is in bad form not to share. If it not right to hide your light under a basket. Although I know I will not get overwhelming support from all in my community, I know I am on the path I need to be on and that Tantra is the way to spread love and light.  Plus I get support form the people that are most important to me.

And I want to thank all the wonderful people who have spent time with me.  I am super impressed by the desire to learn and to experience a new way of touching and breathing and feeling.

Peace out tonight–jillimages (3)

 

 

Tantra Communication and Asking for what you want.

One of the main aspects of Tantra is communication.  The mantra being basically: positive thought, positive words, positive actions.  To stay with that idea for a moment.  I do not believe or appreciate false positive talk.  You hear a lot of it in yoga.  There are certain catch phrases, manifest a good night’s sleep.   Or my personal all time favorites– I don’t go to the dentist.  I manifest good teeth.  I do not buy into that.  I believe my thoughts can change my state of being.  I do not believe my thoughts can keep my teeth healthy without a dentist.    On the point of positive words, I rather hear honest authentic words.   I expressed negative words today.  And I feel badly about it.  I wish I had not said anything at all. But the problem was I was not thinking positive thoughts or asking the right questions. Batman

A key point in Tantra communication is asking for what you want.  Not form the universe not from some mystical something, but from the person you are with.  You get what you want in bed by asking.  And asking from a place of intimacy and connection.  Sex is not a ritual that we do or a job or if I do this and this I will get this.  Good knowledge and skills make sex easier, but they real benefit of sex is connection.  For connection to take place you have to ask for what you want.  Not demand, not whine, not manipulate, not bribe, but ask.  Ask by using Please and thank you and listening to the answer.

I often hear that people, men people would like more frequency of sex.  I understand this.  I was with a withholding man.  It made no sense to me why he wouldn’t have sex more often. I reacted with frustration and anger. I demanded sex, but I didn’t ask for what I really needed.  I needed to feel loved and appreciated and for me that meant having sex and having my sexuality validated.  I didn’t say to him, “I love you and I need to feel close to you. Could we please make love?”  That is what I truly needed and wanted, but instead I would get mad and say things like, “What the hell is wrong with you?  We never have sex!!!”    Obviously this didn’t work or get me the desired response and finally we divorced.  I never learned to communicate what I wanted.  I still struggle with it. I struggled today with it. Life is difficult and we do not need to make it more difficult by not communicating well.

I have taken a lot of courses on communication gone to workshops, been a counselor and a social worker and a teacher, but the best advise the best course of action I have learned is ask for what you want.  That is a key Tantra principle. Ask for what you want.

The Poetry of the Body

I write bad poetry.  I doesn’t have any form.  It doesn’t have any rhyme.  I took up bad poetry after falling in love with a poet while getting my MFA from Bennington College. It was the first time in my life I had the experience of looking into the eyes of another person and feeling a rush of soul connection.  I was 39 and working on my marriage and trying to save it from falling apart.  I was at my physical peak.  I was lovely at that age.  I didn’t look near forty I looked like I was in my early 30’s.  And I was doing something I never dreamed I would have the opportunity to do.   I was getting my Master’s degree from a prestigious East Coast college.  I was working with Best-selling writers and meeting people I never thought I would meet.  It was amazing for a woman that grew up on a farm in Moreland, Idaho.  Literally, amazing.  And then to fall in love at first sight. It was too much.  It drove me to Bad Poetry.clown

So it is in June in Vermont and it is delicious.  I am around like minded people. I see fireflies for the first time.   The college in located in an old Estate and every night we have readings in what was called The Barn.  We drink Sam Adams before it is a national beer and Rolling Rock. Then we dance and dance and dance.  It is like heaven.  No, it is heaven.

And one night this poem appears:

The Poetry Reading: published 1998 in Cabin Fever by the Log Cabin Literary Center.

I listen, to the woman’s words of diapers,

Dishes, car pools, and birth, flanked

By the same sex smells of underarms and between thighs.

 

I stretch cramped tense muscles, pull hard.

A bone cracks in my neck from an old injury

Looking over my shoulder my gaze and mind wanders,

But I rush past your stare.

 

Turning back, I touch my warm skin,

Re-attuning myself to the word woman.

Later gathered in copse of bodies surrounded

By the aftermath of poetry we stand full-faced.

 

Civilized I shake your hand,

Exchange a distracted smiler, pronounce

My name while I scan the landscape.

Our gaze meets in stunned desire, and a fissure

 

Suddenly opens spilling out images of

Forest pleasures.  I laugh, say something

Senseless. When I walk away your hand

Reaches down.  Encircles my fingers. a kiss

 

If I made a mistake in my life, it was then.   I choose my commitment to a man I didn’t love over my passion not just for another man as this love was mostly in my head and probably unrequited over my passion for  writing and living a life of a writer.

In many ways Tantra and the path of Tantra has restored my passion and healed me in ways to allow me to be happy and open for love if I ever cross its path again.

 

Pictures by the great artist Michael Parks