One of the questions I get all the time is “Are you nude?” And the answer is the same all the time, ” No, why would I need to be nude?” I realize there are “tantric goddesses” that are nude and use youth and beauty as a means to entice and satisfy their clientele. That is not what I do. My goal is to teach how to breathe so that your tension isn’t caught in your upper back and neck, to clear energy blocks, and to teach how to have better orgasms with the person you are connected to. That person is not me. I am literally in a position of teacher and counselor, not tantric goddesses or whore. I was able to attend a tantric conference and listened to the people and was seriously appalled at how many had began sexual relationships with clients. I do not think that is okay. I never think that is okay. So me being nude detracts from my ability to teach,to be listened to and understood, and brings in a sexual dynamic that is not appropriate to my teaching style. So no— I am not nude.
However, on to nudity. I think people should be nude more. I think it is important to be comfortable being nude. I think it is especially important to be comfortable being nude when having sex and not to worry about how you look. I look back on my young sex life and realize I did not get as much out of a lot of sexual encounters because I was worrying about how this looked or an extra pound or two. Nothing ruins sex like thinking about your body in negative way, nothing.
The truth is man or woman we just want our partner NUDE!!!We want to feel skin on skin. It is the total contact of the skin that is appealing not perfection. So I do like nudity a lot, but I will not be nude when in a position of teaching. I do love nudity just not when I am working. However, I do not wear long sleeves either.
I forget to write about women and as a woman I should know something, I suppose. Just like I can’t generalize about men; I can’t generalize about women. My experiences as a woman aren’t the same as other women’s experiences. However, from talking with my female friends and listening to men talk about women, I can say this resentment builds over time and is a killer for good sex and intimacy and relationships.
Resentment is funny thing because it starts out as kindness or compromise. Our husband or boyfriend or lover asks for something and rather than voice our true feelings, such as, “Honey I love you but I am not going to go get you a beer this time.” We get up and get the beer and the first 100 times we don’t say anything and then suddenly the resentment sets in–hard. Then it is a fight and then it builds up and then we aren’t feeling sexy toward the partner, at all. This starts a little cycle. The woman has resentments, she says no, the partner then feels rejected and then they either push too hard for sex or stop pushing for sex. Both are bad. The key is resentment and not communicating boundaries form the very beginning. If I am constantly and positively releasing the my feelings then resentment doesn’t set in. At least when I recognize I feel resentment it needs to be stated and not is some venting crazed way. I know couples that have been married 30, 40 years and never fought until that one fight and it lead to a divorce after decades of not fighting. Resentment is tricky like that.
To communicate in Tantra is to be clear about what we want. To communicate what we want in life, in relationships, in bed requires knowing what we want and then clearly stating it. Yet, stating it from a place of love and compassion for the other person. Back to the beer example. “Honey, I love you and if I am up getting me a beer I will gladly get one for you, but asking me to make a special trip for you makes me resent you.” That is the truth and spoken from love and compassion the partner can hear the truth. Truth is what brings our lives joy in bed and out of bed. Here I fall back on my own life. One reason I like sex so much is that during sex I feel most real, most true to myself, and most alive. Those feelings can not flow if resentment is blocking them.
This will be short as I am tired. Three days of wedding celebrations sort of drained me. It is a lot of emotion to process. One of my personal goals is to be totally present and to process my emotions as they come up so I don’t have them blocking my energy later. This however requires some recuperation or down time. I am a huge believer in down time. Each of us has our own needs but I require a lot. I always have. I love being around people. I love a good party, but afterwards I need to be alone. One of the many things that contributed to the failure of my marriage was that I didn’t have space to be alone to pursue my interests, which have always been different. I read. I study. I write. I meditate. I practice yoga. I practice self care. I have fabulous skin. I rarely get a blemish. However I have an extensive skin care practice. Currently I am learning to make my own products. On reason skin is important to me is that it is our largest organ and it detoxifies our system. Massages is one way to cleanse the body and detox. Massage will also increase circulation and maintains muscle tone. It is good for you and it is a period of downtime and self care. One thing I like to focus my clients on is self care. It is important 🌝
One of the most baffling things to me is the experience of guilt. If something is going to make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t do it. On the other hand if you are going to do it, don’t feel guilty about it because guilt will not make anything better. In fact, I believe a lot of men like to feel guilty as proof they are a good person. Man: “I feel bad so I must be a good boyfriend or husband or worker or father or son or whatever.” Feeling bad about doing something that goes against your moral boundaries doesn’t make you a good person. Feeling bad about your behaviors only builds up a lot of stress in the body, closes or blocks channels of energy, and when you get to be 60 or so or even 50 makes you more predisposed to ED if you are a man. We will talk about women tomorrow as that is more related to pent up resentment.
However, back to guilt. All those bad feeling collect. The guilt, the self loathing, the bitterness collect in the root chakra or fire chakra and form a block of energy and the sexual energy is trapped and it manifests as ED. The desire is there, the lust is there, but the ability to connect with the fire energy of the lingam has been blocked. The lingam is not a separate part of the body. It does not think for itself. It is intimately connected with the heart and the mind. One reason men in particular have such vivid recollections of their teenage years and the girls or women, boys or men, that roused them to erections is that the channel between the fire chakra and air charka of the heart and the water chakra of the mind is open and the energy flows effortlessly. And that person or image connects with the imagination and inspires feelings of lust or love or admiration. It is the fact all the senses are engaged and the flow of energy to the lingman and back up the central channel is free and open.
Certainly for some this is not true. People that have come from a very strict religious backgrounds where self pleasuring or natural sexual expression is seen as bad and sinful can develop an early block; often not ever seeking out basic knowledge about sex and their own bodies or experimenting in relationships or in marriage. Then in the mid years it becomes apparent something elusive is missing, the experience of sex is not meaningful or loses its shine. And erections and even orgasms are more difficult to achieve and when they are there is a muffled quality to them. Then a man or a woman feels as if something is lost, or missed. However rather than looking inward the gaze is always outwards. A different person will bring back those delicious feelings of newness and sexual ecstasy. Different sexual positions or acts will bring more pleasure. I really need to do this or need to do that to have sexual satisfaction and that does work to an extent, but leaves the person constantly chasing the idea that something new will satisfy them or arouse them. By constantly looking for something more or different is to miss out on the experience. I have dated a lot and I have had sex with quite a few men and a question I have heard fairly consistently over the last decade is what do you like most, and then I give really good oral, or I like to do this to a woman. As a woman I am not here to be any man’s fantasy or to have things done to me. Our own bodies are the place to achieve pleasure to be able to include another is a gift but they are not an object to stimulate or to be used as toy for our own arousal. Sex between people requires equal pleasure and consent. And the goal should not be just an orgasm, but pleasure and sustained pleasure will always result in an orgasm.
To wrap this up, the reason everyone likes orgasms so much is that the boundaries of our mind and body dissolve and the energy of life and the universe flows freely through our bodies. And in that time we have a feeling of oneness with our partner or the universe and if we are really lucky both.
I took most of last week off to be fully present and involved in my son’s wedding. Of course it was worth it to see love in the best possible light and to see two people that are both attractive and young and excited about starting a life together. Even as age changes us and we have experiences that didn’t quite live up to the hype it’s still wonderful to see love. I of course have been single for 13 years. I assume I could get married if that was something I wanted or needed, but I was married for 25 years and I liked being married, but believe my course is one of solitude. One of the last times I dated, the man would call me up and ask me if I was lonely and if I wanted to come and spend the night. I have to be honest. I don’t get lonely. There is the crazy dog situation that just sort of happened and that bizarrely takes up a lot of my time. I do have an active sex life, mostly with myself and intimate relationships with both male and females that meet my needs.
I truly believe we are most happy in good partnerships, but we are the most unhappy in bad partnerships. I am not lonely at this point in my life. I have good friends, my sex life is actually personal but does exist, I have work that I enjoy and I get to meet great people and I have my spiritual path. The loneliest I have ever been was during my marriage. As much promise as I see in love I know that it doesn’t make everything right with us or create great sex. If it did we would all be happy. Happiness has to be achieved before partnership. Asking another person to make you happy is too great of a burden for anyone to carry.
As for sex, the best sex I have ever experienced has been in uncommitted relationships however I am at a point that I feel like my gift is to great to squander on men or boys that are not committed to me in some way, and by commitment I do not mean faithful or married or even bf/gf. I mean we have a connection that is both sexual and emotional. And that can be for one night or 5 years. I don’t know. I teach a lot of the mechanics of good sex, but mechanical sex isn’t good. It leaves you empty and often guilty. Good sex goes beyond mechanics and touches our deepest emotions and opens us up to love. And here I mean love as described by Thich Nhat Hanh, the ability to extend our compassion to encompass another and that might not be forever or even a lifetime, but at that moment it goes beyond selfish wants. At the heart of great sex is honesty and integrity of our emotions. It seams contradictory, but when we have sex even with a wife or husband we no longer love it hurts us. When we turn away from our real desires and needs that hurts us. So when we see love that is open and on display as it is in weddings we are happy for the love that is real and honest.
I have been lucky for the most part to work with very open clients who genuinely want to learn. That is really what Tantra is all about, opening a space for more pleasure and ultimately more love in the largest sense of that word.