Get what you want in bed?

tantraWhen people learn that do Tantra I am often asked about sex. I wonder why? A lot of times men want to know how to get more of what they need in bed.  Maybe more oral, more stimulation, even more kissing, anal, bondage.

I have the answer.  It is really quite simple.   You ask.  You don’t demand, you don’t manipulate, you don’t bargain.  You ask honestly and politely. For example, “I noticed that you like it when I give you oral sex.  I really love you and want us to be intimately connected and honestly I would like oral sex.  What can I do to make it pleasurable for you?   Can I be cleaner?  Can I lay still and just let you pleasure me?

Most women have issue with oral sex for 3 reasons:  1-Manly smell 2-thrusting into the mouth and gagging. 3- fear of ejaculation in the mouth.

These are things women don’t like and will cause them not to want to perform oral sex.  Of course there are women that like both 2 & 3.  However, I know of no one that likes strong smell coming from the undercarriage.  Okay, I do know of a few fetishes, but I am not speaking about those

Oral sex is just an example, it could be anything, toe sucking, foot massage, spanking, anal, being tied up– whatever it is.  The first step to getting what you want or need is to ask.  I can hear a few men, saying I do ask and she says no.  Then how are you asking?  Are you demanding it?  Do you try to get her real excited and then bring it up, because that just generally ruins the mood.  Do you make passive aggressive hints about it? None of those things I mentioned are asking.  Ask with compassion, honesty, and be polite.  You will be surprised at the outcomes.  Tomorrow more helpful hints on getting what you need. I am pretty sure if an old broad like me can get what she wants, you can too.




Full Body Orgasm.

1coupleWhen I try to tell people about the ability to have full body orgasms all the time not just on occasion, I get odd looks.  One person asked me, if his whole body would feel like his lingam did when he had an orgasm.  He might have used other words, same meaning.  I said yes, that orgasmic energy raises up through your entire body yet it does so while the body is completely relaxed and the only focus is on the pleasure of the moment.  And yes it does feel as if you have fused with your partner and the universe.  I usually write my own stuff because I like to, but I found this awesome article and so am going to link to it.  And sometimes I like to have my own thoughts  and experiences verified by others.


Tantra is Trending. Why?

img_0272Tantra promise great sex, extended orgasms, full body orgasms, more intense orgasms and peace of mind or stillness.    Lots of talk about Tantra right now.  Tantra is hot.  The program I went to is so hot in fact it now costs 10,000.  Obviously for 10,000 dollars you are going to be given the secrets of life and great sex the best sex ever.   Maybe?  But Tantra is simple.  I can give the basics in less than a paragraph.  The difficult part is that the things that make Tantra work need to be done daily, and that is the difficult aspect of Tantra.  Practice.  It is a practice.  It can’t be done once or twice or the philopshy heard once or twice it has to be practiced.  And it is awareness.

Everyone talks about wanting to be authentic and self aware, but it is painful.  It means when you do something you are completely aware of your motivations and understand them.  I do some messed up stuff on occasion.  Before I could blame others or ignore my behavior or pretend I didn’t do it– in the past.  I can’t now.  I have to face my behaviors and the motivations behind them and then make a choice to continue or not.  This includes the sex I have.  It is not that I lack passion or the ability to be swept away by lust and love and passion.  It is that I make a conscious choice to be swept away.   I understand that seems contradictory.   And that is Tantra.  It is contradictory.  It promises great sex, but thorough Tantra you gain more control.  Tantra is focused yet relaxed sex.  Friction sex is replaced by Tantra sex.

In a relaxed state an orgasm is a lotus blooming sending out fragrance and bliss throughout the body.  It opens gently and with  each petal the pleasure grows more and more intense sending out its energy and fragrance into every cell and atom  of the body.   Then it slowly closes leaving it’s fragrance and energy to absorb into the body.  That is a tantric orgasm produced by conscious sex.  The expected tightening and held breath produces a short burst of energy that results in ejaculation or orgasm and then this tired feeling.  That is the difference between Tantra and sex.


Lies about sex and why they hurt us

It is always amazing to me the how little people know about sex and the amount of shame there is around it.   I here this background noise, but Jill it is only sex and not that important. No, sex is important, physical intimacy is important.  It is the cornerstone of a marriage or partnership. Sex is both a physical, emotional and spiritual need.  If those needs are not met we live a half life.

Lie number oneSex hurts.  Sex should not hurt.  If it does there is something wrong. Find out what is wrong and fix it.  Find the right position, find the right lubrication, use enough foreplay, add an estrogen supplement  for just the yoni to keep it pink, but sex should not hurt. I am going to use myself as an example, because I know a lot about my own body.  I have a titled uterus.  It has always been tilted.  That is how it is. Certain positions aren’t that comfortable to me as I don’t like my cervix banged on.  Some women do and can even have orgasms from cervical stimulation.  I can’t and it is not a good feeling for me. So I move to a position that does feel good and hits my g-spot, which I like stimulated.

Sex isn’t important when you are oldYes, it is. It is one of the few things that makes you feel young.  And for some reason older men and women have stronger orgasms.  Being comfortable with someone doesn’t mean not having sex.  It should mean that your partner is who you go to for comfort and sex.

My spouse lost interest in sexNo.  How do you lose interest in sex when you are having orgasms, feeling loved, and being comforted. No one gets tired of that.  If sex has been a chore and there hasn’t been good communication and the orgasms aren’t there, age is a good excuse to stop that unfulfilling sex. Because our society tells us that women after menopause lose interest in sex.  A man told me he thought his wife was happy, but she didn’t have an orgasms every time they had sex.  My response was, “Would you have sex if you weren’t going to have an orgasm?”  Think about it for a minute.  I have many close girlfriends my age.  We all like sex.  A lot.  And we are all done with that menopause stuff.  Getting old doesn’t mean losing interest in sex.  Sex should be a part of a good healthy relationships.  And sex brings healthy benefits to people.

Sex is not a Bargaining ChipSex is not a tool for manipulation.  It just isn’t.  It should always be a mutual and fulfilling endeavor. Something that brings happiness and fun into the relationships.  Sex can only be used as bargaining or manipulation if there is shame attached to sex or it is seen as something a man does to a woman rather than a mutual give and take.  And that is a conversation that begins with, “Baby, I love you, but I am not going to be manipulated by you withholding sex.   Sex is for both of us to enjoy and honor our partnership.  Now tell me what I can do to make sex more enjoyable and a loving encounter for each of us.”  Sex isn’t about grouping in the middle of the night.  Sex is about laying on the bed or floor or lawn and stimulating each of the senses feeling your beloved’s skin and touch and wonder of another life that is entwined with yours. And it is about saying dirty things to each other and fucking hard.  There is a full range of sexual behavior that is mutually satisfying.  The secret is you have to open and have honest communication.

We are best friends, but we don’t make love anymore.-Right because no one wants to fuck their best friend.  It is creepy.  I have a best friend.  She has been my best friend for 50 years.  I have never wanted to have sex with her.  Lovers aren’t best friends.  They are lovers.  And it isn’t natural to ask your  lover to work a second job of being your best friend.   It is do much a of a burden in a relationship and at some point your best friend becomes not very sexy to you. Leave some mystery in the relationship.