Sex Dates

I have been visiting family with small childern who have busy busy lives.  It is exhausting just to watch the work and time involved.  It brought back how extraordinarily busy I was in my 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s with my family, my home, our family business, and marriage.  I will not say my marriage failed because of the lack of sex.  It failed because my ex is an asshole and that is as much explanation as I can give.  

However, I remember the sex was always hurried, took place late at night or sometimes early in the morning.  There was very little pleasure involved and it was mostly focused on let’s hurry and get an orgasm and finish.  It was what I can only describe as low quality sex.  My ex was dissatisfied with my body and the lack of romantic feelings in our marriage.  

There was nothing wrong with my body it was just a way for him to be critical and unloving.  Also, I didn’t have romantic feelings for him.  I knew that the day we got married.  Like many young women I wanted the get married and have a family and I didn’t make a conscious choice.  I made a choice based on what I thought I was expected to do.  Was I happy.  Sometimes.  I was too busy to give it much thought.  Maybe that should have been a clue.  That I needed to think about my life, my choices, my marriage.  

Too many people don’t think and instead just stay busy and react to life rather than make conscious choices about how they want their life to feel and how they want their marriage to feel.  Letting a relationship just exist results in stagnation and eventually a deadening of joy in all aspects of life.  Women can react by becoming non orgasmic and men can react by suffering from ED or other sexual dysfunction.  A marriage a partnership is incomplete without real intimacy.

 I talk to clients and people I know and one common problem is that people don’t have time for intimacy.  I often hear from young people in their 30’s that they only have sex once or twice a month.    That is not enough to keep feelings of intimacy alive and growing.  When the sexual aspect of marriage is not nurtured your lover eventually becomes your friend and then your roommate.  To live celibate with our partner ourlover is unnatural and to have rushed hurried sex is to cheat yourself of life’s greatest pleasure, love making.  It is called love-making because it produces love.  

However, to make love there has to be time and that is where the sex date comes in.  If your marriage/relationship is important, time has to be made for sex.  Making a sex date doesn’t take away from passion or spontaneity in fact it can often add to it as something to look forward to and plan for.  The stage can be set, anticipation of pleasure inhances sex and  it feels like you are courting and passion is kindled.   It might feel unnatural at first to set time aside but in time it will be something to look forward to.  So many people look forward to sitting down in with a snack and watching TV or get excited about beer and a football game.  Sex feels better than those things.  Touching and being touched is the most pleasurable thing in life, it is the first thing we seek out as babies, it is what we yearn for in adolescence, but when we marry and life takes over sex takes second place to a football? 

Attachment and Pleasure 

images (5)When I use the word attachment I am not using it in the context of commitment to a person or relationships or affection and love.  I am using it in the Buddhists sense that our attachment to a perceived outcome detracts from being present and enjoying  what the present moment offers.

Attachment is striving for an outcome or expecting an outcome and focusing on it to the determent of enjoying the present. It is impossible to be present and mindful if you are focused or attached to an outcome. An example is the focus people put on finding the one who will make them happy rather than being the one that is happy.

People often ask me how they can prepare for a session and my response is to be present and bring an open mind and an open heart.  Those are exactly the things we should bring to sex.  The gift of being totally and completely present and being open to the experience is the greatest benefit of Tantra whether you practice alone or with a partner.  Of course I always recommend partner sex, but sometimes suitable partners are in short supply. Plus Tantra is not all about sex, but it is also about emotional balance, living a compassionate life and being present to experience the joy of being alive.  However, I will state I have never had better,  stronger, or more rewarding orgasms than now when I practice Tantra.  And that is not to mention the fact they are full body orgasms.  So enough about my bragging rights.

Attachment is when you expect an outcome and your focus is so intense on the outcome you want that you fail to enjoy the experience and if the outcome is different the experience is ruined.   This can be best explained by an example.  When I moved back to Pocatello from Boise, I left behind my romantic life and had to begin again.  And I knew it would be different and the men would be more conservative.  This proved to be true.  One man I dated could only have sex a certain way.  He didn’t explain it to me, but when I moved to another position he lost his erection and could not continue. Later he explained to me how he had to have sex.  He had to kiss me a couple of times, but no tongue, play with my breasts a little, giver a tiny bit of oral and then have intercourse.  Me moving or making noise or doing anything other than laying there threw him off his game.  I asked him about it and he said that was how sex was supposed to be and he didn’t think he could do it another way.  I gave it a few more tries and then I was done.  He was attached to his ideas of how sex should be.  However he was also attached to how sex needed to be performed and I use preform in the most engineering like way.   There could be no break from what he considered the norm or he could not achieve orgasm. And I talked with him and from that conversation I concluded that his attachment to his ideas of what was acceptable and appropriate sex were not changeable.

If  you only focus on the orgasm you have missed the pleasure of touching and intimacy and the smell and texture of your partner and all the tiny wonderful things that go into lovemaking.  If you only focus on yourself then you have left out your partner or if you focus too intently on your partner and their pleasure you have left out yourself.  Great sex takes place in the present moment.  It doesn’t take place in the future where you are with the exact right person and everything is perfect and  your abs are toned.  It takes place in the Now.

Attachment is never healthy and robs us of the experience of the present. Buddha

 

 

 

Sex is good for you.

imagesJMHGUYPZI do not like to generalize.  I also do not like to lump people into categories.  It is not fair.  Each of us looks at life through our own prism of experience, beliefs, education, spiritual growth, mental wellness or illness. The world is experienced differently by each of us. It is not that people are so varied it is that the prism we gaze at the world through is so varied and casts so many different colors onto the world.  It is true some people look at the world through rose colored glasses and see the good.  Others see everything cast in shadow and so they find darkness. The same goes for sex.  If we look at sex as a bright fiery pleasure we get pleasure from it.  If  we view sex as dirty or nasty  or naughty  or only as a means to express love in certain circumstances or worse a duty, sex becomes tainted and dark.

Open honest sex is good.  It is the best thing we can do for our bodies.  And yes with time our bodies change, however;  sex and desire isn’t just for the young. Sex is our life force.  Our life force isn’t some nebulous thing floating around the heavens, it resides in our bodies, our loins, our sex.  When we are open and awakened that force flows more freely through our body giving us greater health and more joy.  Sex floods our bodies with life enriching hormones that keeps us younger, happier and healthier. Sex is the best thing you can do for yourself.  It is not just some momentary pleasure or a blink of an orgasm, it is rejuvenating and those orgasms should be full body orgasms.    Do not settle for less.  As  society we spend 40 hours a week at work and many spend 10 or more hours working out and then spend 10 minutes having sex Saturday night or sex3Sunday morning.  One of the most pleasurable and creative things we do as humans is too time consuming, or my personal favorite, I just want to get done.  Why would you want to feel less pleasure?  Feeling more pleasure protects you from depression, illness and many other issues. Sex is good for you.  It connects you more deeply with yourself and more deeply with your partner.  Even if it is just a sex partner.  Isn’t better to have a fun relaxing time and laugh and have multiple orgasms than not?

I find sex the best thing I do.  It makes me feel the best and happiest and truly at one with myself.  I just love it I always have and it is good for you emotionally and physically.

 

 

An Orgasm is Grace and Enlightenment

btantra

When I begin a session I place my hand on the base of the spine where the Kundalini energy resides, usually dormant. And I say that during an orgasm the energy brushes against the Kundalini energy and gives us a brief glimpse of enlightenment or grace depending on your beliefs.

The teaching of the sexual tantras all come down to one point. Although desire, of whatever shape or form, seeks completion, there is another kind of union than the one we imagine. In this union, achieved when the egocentric model of dualistic thinking is no longer dominant, we are not united with it, nor am I united with you, but we all just are. The movement from object to subject, as described in both Eastern meditation and modern psychotherapy, is training for this union, but its perception usually comes as a surprise, even when images7JVIGRL8this shift is well under way. It is a kind of grace. The emphasis on sexual relations in the tantric teachings make it clear that the ecstatic surprise of orgasm is the best approximation of this grace.”
Mark Epstein, Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life – Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy

Yes to Life & Love & Sex.

One of the frustrating things I cope with is knowing when I am not doing what is best for me.   When I ignore basic skills that bring calm and peace to my life. When I don’t do my yoga, when I fail to stay on my budge or I over-drink or over-eat.  I know eating right, doing my yoga practice, drinking moderately,  managing my money will bring a sense of calm and well-being to my life.  I know that not doing these things will be disruptive and stressful to my life.  One aspect of my life that was stressful when I was young was my sex life and how I conducted it and how I felt about it.  I would say I was somewhat obsessed with sexual activity and fantasy and men. With Tantra I have gained a control over my sexual life that provides a path to being present and relieves me of fantasy and obsession.  That gives me a great deal of calm plus that energy is redirected to improving other aspects of my life.  No, I am not where I want to be but I am much closer and my level of self-awareness is much higher and I have fewer periods of personal confusion and unhappiness.

The level of joy and well being I feel 95% of the time, I owe to Tantra and better understanding of my body and its amazing ability to feel higher levels of pleasure that are very close to  enlightenment. Enlightenment is what I desire more than wonderful soul enhancing sex. I started off wanting better and more intense orgasms, but have developed beyond those physical goals because Tantra offers so much more.  It offers the ability to be present, totally present in the moment of pleasure in sex and life. What many people  feel brings more excitement more pleasure is fantasy and being in the head during sex.  This is the opposite of what Tantra offers. It offers the ability to accept yourself and your partner as they are and to feel the pleasure the  body was created to feel.  Not the fake pleasure of a porn star but the real honest pleasure of a person in the act of love.

This is a thing that happens to me. A person will contact me and ask for  information and I give it. And then they ask for more and I give it. The contact was a first step in asking for help or seeking tools that can add a better life.  And 95% of people come through, but there is a small percentage of those that can’t commit.  I don’t believe in  “selling” or pressuring someone with promises.  The choice has to be self-directed.  However, I do feel badly about those people that can’t say yes to life to love to sex.  I am looking at 60 decades of life and the only things I regret are those I didn’t do. To those things I said no to, not to those things I said yes to.  1305109046_383741

Sexless marriage, never!!!

Everything is wrong with a sexless marriage.  The lack of love and passion is evident to everyone, your children, your grand children, your friends.  The lesson people learn from you isn’t loyalty, commitment, or love.  They learn joyless partnering, suffering, resentment and dishonesty.  

All sexless relationships are based on a lie of some kind.  Women don’t stop liking sex when they get older.  That is a lie.  Sexual desire doesn’t disappear in a long term marriage. That is a lie. Sex hurts. That is a lie.  Whatever the lie is that is being told it infests the relationship with dishonesty.  

A marriage without sex is like having a five course meal placed in front of you and pushing if away to eat cold cereal.  The cereal might sustain you, like self-pleasuring sustains your limited sex, but it never nourishes or heals.  It will not produce good health and contentment.  

Men do not honor their marriage by letting the woman decide not to have sex. A partner that refuses to celebrate the marriage bed is not living up to their promise to be faithful.  When one partner decides not to have sex they have literally said being faithful isn’t important in our marriage and neither is love or joy or true intimacy.  If the other partner doesn’t compassionately bring this issue up they are saying the same,  ” I am willing to suffer and let my partner suffer rather than risk honesty and true intimacy.”

And that is the lesson you teach with your body to everyone around you.  I live with two dogs.  They understand me perfectly as they know my body language.  And other dogs generally respond to me as my body doesn’t convey anything to them but positive emotions.  

You might not say that you have a sexless and therefore passionless marriage, but everyone can read that in ever interaction.  Your children, your family, your friends, your grandchildren. It is apparent, a key factor to happiness is missing.  

Sex is essential to well-being just the same as breathing and eating and sleeping are.  Sex is important to the mind and body.  To disregard sex as unimportant is to disavow your basic humanity.  It isn’t normal.  It isn’t natural.  It is like living a half life.  Sex is the fire in our body our creative force our gift to our beloved.  To live a sexless marriage or even a sexless life is to have one foot in the grave.