Tantra offers very real help for erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, low intensity orgasms and lack of desire. However, like anything of value it has to be practiced consistently. It can’t be a one time thing and then be expected to work. Nothing in life really works that way. Yet I get plenty of clients looking for help as sort of a last ditch effort to revive their sex drive, and any other issues involving sex. Under those circumstance I can usually offer some help, but it is a less than ideal situation. As with anything we shouldn’t wait until to last minute to fix things. Often I feel I doing triage instead on Tantra. If your car oil light is blinking you don’t wait until the engine is smoking to take it in. Our bodies are the same. To have optimal health you have to do certain things. You have to drink enough water 8 to 10 8oz glasses a day. You have to exercise at least 20 minutes every day. Drink moderately, and eat moderately, have a spiritual path or purpose and have a healthy sex life. This is not hard stuff, but it is what you need.
I often am contacted by men after they have lived 5 years, 10 years, or 15 years without sex. Some have found outlets through Tantra, girlfriends, other avenues. Many have remained “faithful” This is my take on being faithful. It is hard if the marriage or partnership isn’t meeting both sexual and emotional needs. And if one of the partners refuses to meet the needs of the other and this goes both ways. They have broken the promises of marriage and aren’t being faithful. I don’t think a person who won’t have sex with their partner is being faithful. They have broken that vow first. This is something that needs to be discussed with nonviolent communication techniques that I touch on in a session, but I expand on them in my 21DayTantra wellness certification. Tantric sex does cure or enhance the health of your body. However, it doesn’t do it with porn style sex. Tantra cures by opening the heart balancing your elemental chakras and allowing sexual energy to flow freely bringing the body back into balance and letting joy be present in each moment.
This is a subject that is important to me and yet has the possibility of offending people. And since it is not my goal to offend people I approach the topic with hesitancy. What I want to dicuss is healing and Tantra and sex. It is true Tantra does heal and the healing works takes place in the fire chakra or genitile region as that is where we store our trauma and pain. When the body has a lot of trauma from rejection, to injury, to past abuse, it will shut down sexual responses. This can lead to difficulty getting and maintaining an erection, lack of intensity during orgasms or a general lack of interest in sex. Often men will notice a change in erections around the age of 37 to 46. They mention that it takes longer to get erect and they don’t seem as firm and the actual orgasm is less intense. That is what I see and have studied. Then in a slightly older group of men 56 to 64 I hear that they have difficulty getting maintaining erections and often they are unable to maintain a firm erection to engage in sex. This is accompanied by weak orgasms. Another problem I see is younger men that have difficulty having an orgasm.
I am going to address these issues by age:
21 to 30 year old men who can’t orgasm. This seems to be directly connected with intimacy and emotional connection. Men aren’t sex machines and can’t perform on command so often hook-up sex fueled by booze often won’t provide satisfying sex and orgasm can be delayed. This is an issue the resolves when a satisfying emotional partnership is formed. Relaxation and breathing techniques help also having knowledge of human sexuality, sexual responses, and sexual anatomy. I can remember my ex husband when we first married thought women peed from the vaginia. He was oblivious to female anatomy. This can and does present problems for young men. A man needs to know his way around the yoni.
37 to 46 year old men with a change in erections and lose of intensity. An emotional issue is that men tend to compare everything to their sexual response at 16 to 20. This period of time is an anomaly in sexual function. The youthful body is flush with hormones and it is like a birth into sexuality. Everything is new and overwhelming. Emotions and sexual responses are intensified. Erections are plentiful and spontaneous. Usually men learn to orgasms quickly and intensely with little integration of the complete body or as I often point out the lingam was the focal point of pleasure and orgasms. However, this is not a productive way to approach adult sex. Adult sex requires foreplay, extended stimulation of the entire body and in particular of the yoni and lingam, but it needs to be the right sort of stimulation. An openness to new ideas, new ways of viewing sex will generally intensity orgasms and often lead to full body orgasms. And if good sexual communication skills haven’t been learned this is the time for that to occur. Health also impacts sex and this is the time to develop healthy habits or drinking enough water, engaging in deep breathing, exploring a spiritual path or purpose to life and exercise and a healthy weight. Also some men won’t notice any change. It is also a good time to have male hormone levels checked. And not to rely on a doctor that says you are within range. The range is huge and you want to be on the upper end. Sexually you should be experimenting and enjoying full body orgasms.
- 56 to 64 year old men with a lose of desire or living a life void of sex. This is generally my most challenging group. For 2 reasons. 1) They have very rigid ideas about sex and how to have an orgasm. They have often been using a fantasy from their youth to fuel the desire for masterbation. 2) Because of the lack of sex they have lost the ability to experience pleasure. This is not true of even 15% of the men in this age group. Most are as functional and have as much desire as 30 year old men. However, for the men having issues in this age group it is focused on the inability to become fully erect and to maintain the erection and also orgasms that lack intensity. Once again these are totally normal reactions to what we have learned about sex. Unfortunately, most of what we have learned is negative and inaccurate. Holding your breath straining like you are going to have a bowl movement is not going to produce a good orgasm. It won’t. There is an idea that this is how your orgasms happened when you were young, but that is also inaccurate. Your body was at the peak of health the orgasm virtually flowed out while you took deep full breaths. Instead of remembering those complete full breaths the mind remembers the muscular tension, which was really youthful strength. Plus if the person has been living many years without sex the pleasure of tantric touch can be overwhelming and the body is overloaded and can’t take it in. It is not like when a person is young. Lust desire can override a lot of things. However, if a person has spent years ignoring his or her sexual needs that had built up a lot of trauma in the body and spirit. It is not healthy to be celibate for extended periods of time. It is a use it or lose it thing.
- Erections can be an issue, but unless there is an underlying health issue that is because of lack of direct stimulation of the lingam. It needs to be adored and love on.
- Tantra provides answers for all these issues and produces full body orgasms and engagement.
It is hard to believe, I know, but some people live without sex! A lot of married people live without sex! And they tell me they love the other person and get along great. I hear this from men I have dated, my friends, acquaintances, clients sometimes, but I would never write about my clients. I love my kids and my siblings and my friends, but I do not have sex with them and I wouldn’t live with them. I would only be married if I was married to a person I wanted to have sex with for the rest of my life. That is why we get married to experience intimacy on a level we can’t with others and that extra thing that makes a marriage worthwhile is sex. I have heard many explanations and not one as made sense or seemed truthful or honest.
I admit I am sensitive on this subject as I had a stalker for 8 years. 8 years!! I knew he was crazy as I am not that hot that a person would have fantasies about me for 25 years and then stalk me for another 8. It was not flattering it was deeply disturbing. This was a person I had known since 4th grade and thought of as a good friend. We dated briefly the summer before I went to college and other than a few kisses our relationship wasn’t sexual. Somehow he grew unhappy with his wife and she stopped wanting sex and he developed this elaborate fantasy about me. We were going to get married, honeymoon at the Black Swan Inn, go camping together, pan for gold and have all this great sex he had been waiting for all his life.
Honestly I was stunned when he revealed it to me. And he talked about all this hot sex we had together. I didn’t remember having sex with him so I called a friend that I have also known since 4th grade and asked her if I had sex with Leo. (made up name). She said no, and I gave a reason I rather not reveal as it was typical and shallow as I was an 18-year-old girl and used to dating athletic college boys. . What was reinforced in this talk was that men often get stuck in the past remembering old sexual experiences and they are make them more intense every time they think of them and masturbate or get erect. If we reinforce a memory with pleasure it becomes stronger and we look back on the past with desire and compare it to the present. The present is found lacking.
The past is not real life. It is like my boobs. I have pretty good boobs, but at 16 I had spectacular boobs. Honestly, I would stare at them for hours. I don’t compare my boobs to those amazing perky breasts I had at sixteen and you can’t compare feelings you had when you are pumped up with mating hormones of a young person to what you feel after life sets in say between 38 and 46.
Life changes us.
My stalker had a sexless marriage. I asked why as I knew his wife and she liked sex when I knew her. “Leo” said she had changed after her babies. Something happened with her parts.
And I am going like what? Did she prolapse? Okay, it was the only thing I could think of that could keep a woman from having sex.
He said, the doctor’s cut her, she is very small. Body size and vagina size are not related. Just like body size and penis size aren’t related. Plus, in the old days the doctor’s cut everyone so you didn’t tear because they were too lazy to wait and let you naturally stretch to let the baby out. I have been seen a natural childbirth and can tell everyone that the yoni is amazing. It is very sturdy. So this idea of something happening during childbirth and some mystery problem of the yoni didn’t really add up for me.
Then Leo added, he was too much of a gentleman to press for sex. This is more psychology than Tantra, but it is the truth. So here it is—
Sex and intimacy are basic needs of our bodies. If you are not having sex you are denying yourself and your partner what your body was made for. You are not being a gentleman by living in a sexless marriage. You are not doing your partner a favor by letting her live without sex. It is bad for the yoni. It will atrophy and she will have issues with infections and incontinence. And as a man living sexless you will have problems with erections, and depression. Our bodies are created for pleasure. There is no limit to the amount of pleasure you can feel. I don’t have the same sexual function as when I was 16 or 36 or 46 but I have better orgasms then I have ever had in my life. I feel more pleasure sexually and non- sexually than I ever had. Also I am happy with how I look and my health and I owe a lot of that to yoga and Tantra.
Some too good genes