I am constantly asking my friends, my family, people I work with and people I randomly run into what they consider good sex. I have girlfriend who loves sex, but has never had an orgasm with a man. I am thinking why bother or why aren’t you asking to be pleased and why do you like sex so much if you don’t orgasm? I don’t have the answers but bizarrely enough neither does she. There is just this strange acceptance that sex is like that and it can’t be changed. My thinking about this brings me to a rather odd conclusion, but one that has some logic to it. We develop a sexual map when we are young and we don’t deviate much from it. We accept that sex and relationships are a certain way. A lot of women learn to accept that sex is something a man does to them and they are somewhat passive in their sex lives. And men accept the idea sex is something they do to women.
This sexual map is something we base our relationships on and act out in the bedroom or sometimes in totally inappropriate ways. Often a man’s sexual map will include how to group women. Nice women behave this way and they really don’t like sex or only like it with men they deeply love, and they don’t talk about it so I treat them with respect. Women who like sex or talk about sex are whores and I can talk to them as I wish. These feeling and beliefs based are based on childhood teaching, religious or otherwise, and women have their own maps of what men should act like and how they should behave. One girlfriend told me that men should just know how to please a woman because they are men. I said, well is there some school for men to teach them how to be men and how to please women in bed?
So both sexes have a sexual map and instead of this guiding us to good sex it tends to lead up to bad sex and bad relationships. Bad sex for me is sex without connection and no orgasm. Good sex always has an orgasm and a point of deep connection. However some people are stuck in their rut and as much as they say they want to change they won’t give up old patterns. They take the ideas given to them and pervert them. I have seen people do this with Tantra. I know Tantra people who have emotional and sexual relationships with people who come to them for help. I find that appalling and a terrible example of boundaries. One thing I speak about a lot is honest and clear communication and asking for what we want. Yet the catch is that if what I am saying is offensive or if what the other person is saying is offensive the listener has the right to ask them not to speak.
There is a huge difference between open and honest communication and being abusive and crude. The difference is usually shown when the verbally abusive person is asked to refrain from their behavior and they fall back on their old sexual map of what women and men should be like together. As they have deviated from that map, they meet honesty or differences with fear and anger and lashing out at the person that has taken them off course. I myself took a long time to come to Tantra. I didn’t accept many of its teachings and I didn’t accept the spiritual aspect of it. I had a map. And it went like this, I got married; I had kids; they went to college and got good jobs. I would then return to the work force to help my husband build up a substantial retirement fund. My husband and I would enjoy a great relationship with our kids and grandkids and have plenty of money for vacations. We would have our normal sex that was orgasmic but lacking in intimacy or connection. And then I would gracefully grow old baking cookies and bread and tending my roses and my husband would adore me like my grandfathers adored their wives and my father adored my mother.
That was my sexual or life map. And I was attached it. Completely attached to it. It took some tragic shit for me to give up on that, and I damaged people and myself and built up a huge amount of anger. The it took a long time for me to finally move past that anger. One key turning point was that a neighbor developed an alarming hate for me. It was alarming and connected with her own sexual map and a romantic rejection, which she blamed on me. One day when she knew I would be gone for a few hours with my daughter on a Sunday drive she went into my backyard and strangled my dog. I came home to see her leaving my backyard and to my dog laying their lifeless on the ground. I still get shivers thinking about it. I suspect she wanted me to react and go over and start a fight with her so she could hit on me and then call the police. I didn’t do anything but feel shock and then I called the police, reported the incident, buried the dog, and called a friend. Because what I felt wasn’t anger. It was grief and I felt that grief rather than anger and I knew that my only emotion for intense feelings was no longer anger or rejection but the true emotion under the anger: hurt, sadness, grief, loss, embarrassment, disappointment. Whatever it was I was no longer locked into one emotion or one map of how I should behave. I as recently told I was old. This is not new information to me. In fact I have suspected it for the last 10 years or more.
However, it doesn’t impact me. I have goals and desires and plan to be sexual until I break a hip or something. And I plan to continue my tantric journey and hopefully help others explore their on sexual maps for places where they are off course or trapped.
Peace out, jill