I took most of last week off to be fully present and involved in my son’s wedding. Of course it was worth it to see love in the best possible light and to see two people that are both attractive and young and excited about starting a life together. Even as age changes us and we have experiences that didn’t quite live up to the hype it’s still wonderful to see love. I of course have been single for 13 years. I assume I could get married if that was something I wanted or needed, but I was married for 25 years and I liked being married, but believe my course is one of solitude. One of the last times I dated, the man would call me up and ask me if I was lonely and if I wanted to come and spend the night. I have to be honest. I don’t get lonely. There is the crazy dog situation that just sort of happened and that bizarrely takes up a lot of my time. I do have an active sex life, mostly with myself and intimate relationships with both male and females that meet my needs.
I truly believe we are most happy in good partnerships, but we are the most unhappy in bad partnerships. I am not lonely at this point in my life. I have good friends, my sex life is actually personal but does exist, I have work that I enjoy and I get to meet great people and I have my spiritual path. The loneliest I have ever been was during my marriage. As much promise as I see in love I know that it doesn’t make everything right with us or create great sex. If it did we would all be happy. Happiness has to be achieved before partnership. Asking another person to make you happy is too great of a burden for anyone to carry.
As for sex, the best sex I have ever experienced has been in uncommitted relationships however I am at a point that I feel like my gift is to great to squander on men or boys that are not committed to me in some way, and by commitment I do not mean faithful or married or even bf/gf. I mean we have a connection that is both sexual and emotional. And that can be for one night or 5 years. I don’t know. I teach a lot of the mechanics of good sex, but mechanical sex isn’t good. It leaves you empty and often guilty. Good sex goes beyond mechanics and touches our deepest emotions and opens us up to love. And here I mean love as described by Thich Nhat Hanh, the ability to extend our compassion to encompass another and that might not be forever or even a lifetime, but at that moment it goes beyond selfish wants. At the heart of great sex is honesty and integrity of our emotions. It seams contradictory, but when we have sex even with a wife or husband we no longer love it hurts us. When we turn away from our real desires and needs that hurts us. So when we see love that is open and on display as it is in weddings we are happy for the love that is real and honest.
I have been lucky for the most part to work with very open clients who genuinely want to learn. That is really what Tantra is all about, opening a space for more pleasure and ultimately more love in the largest sense of that word.