I have been visiting family with small childern who have busy busy lives. It is exhausting just to watch the work and time involved. It brought back how extraordinarily busy I was in my 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s with my family, my home, our family business, and marriage. I will not say my marriage failed because of the lack of sex. It failed because my ex is an asshole and that is as much explanation as I can give.
However, I remember the sex was always hurried, took place late at night or sometimes early in the morning. There was very little pleasure involved and it was mostly focused on let’s hurry and get an orgasm and finish. It was what I can only describe as low quality sex. My ex was dissatisfied with my body and the lack of romantic feelings in our marriage.
There was nothing wrong with my body it was just a way for him to be critical and unloving. Also, I didn’t have romantic feelings for him. I knew that the day we got married. Like many young women I wanted the get married and have a family and I didn’t make a conscious choice. I made a choice based on what I thought I was expected to do. Was I happy. Sometimes. I was too busy to give it much thought. Maybe that should have been a clue. That I needed to think about my life, my choices, my marriage.
Too many people don’t think and instead just stay busy and react to life rather than make conscious choices about how they want their life to feel and how they want their marriage to feel. Letting a relationship just exist results in stagnation and eventually a deadening of joy in all aspects of life. Women can react by becoming non orgasmic and men can react by suffering from ED or other sexual dysfunction. A marriage a partnership is incomplete without real intimacy.
I talk to clients and people I know and one common problem is that people don’t have time for intimacy. I often hear from young people in their 30’s that they only have sex once or twice a month. That is not enough to keep feelings of intimacy alive and growing. When the sexual aspect of marriage is not nurtured your lover eventually becomes your friend and then your roommate. To live celibate with our partner ourlover is unnatural and to have rushed hurried sex is to cheat yourself of life’s greatest pleasure, love making. It is called love-making because it produces love.
However, to make love there has to be time and that is where the sex date comes in. If your marriage/relationship is important, time has to be made for sex. Making a sex date doesn’t take away from passion or spontaneity in fact it can often add to it as something to look forward to and plan for. The stage can be set, anticipation of pleasure inhances sex and it feels like you are courting and passion is kindled. It might feel unnatural at first to set time aside but in time it will be something to look forward to. So many people look forward to sitting down in with a snack and watching TV or get excited about beer and a football game. Sex feels better than those things. Touching and being touched is the most pleasurable thing in life, it is the first thing we seek out as babies, it is what we yearn for in adolescence, but when we marry and life takes over sex takes second place to a football?