My frame of mind is not good. I relasped and went on a date. I was not too bad until the 4th mojtio then I could not pretend any longer. I had to be me.
The truth is when I am working with people, I am my best me. When working with people one on one or in a large groups where I am talking or when I have sex, I am in my zone. That is not really the point of this post. I am not my best me when I feel judged or someone is angry at me or if I feel I am not respected for the person I am. In these situations I don’t think anyone is their best me. I don’t. None of us like to be judged, no one likes anger pointed at them and no one likes feeling that their opinions and feelings are not respected. None of us like to feel invisible or not truly seen. As humans we have a natural desire to be known, to be understood. This comes out when we are adolescents as being different than our parents and calling attention to ourselves by the way we dress and talk and do our hair, however we still want the acceptance of our peers so we look like them and not our parents.
That is a driving force of most people is the need to be understood especially at our most intimate times. There are men and women that go through their entire lives not expressing their true selves. This is painful and these people have such a deep seated dissatisfaction with life that the main feeling others pick up from them is anger or discomfort. Many of these people are like my brother who firmly believes there is a place in the future where he will be happy and healthy and having a great relationship with his wife, or my ex high school boyfriend who thinks we will be together when we are 70 and having great sex. I believe I will be having great sex at 70, however I believe my ex high school boyfriend will be dead from his bad heart and total lack of self care. And the difference is Tantra and totality. I am totally in or I am totally out. There is no religion no philosophy that recommends half heartedness. Back to my ex high school boyfriend. He has been married 40 years to a woman he didn’t whole heartedly love, who didn’t give him the sex or affection he carved. Is that her fault? No it is not. He never voiced his needs in a way she could hear. That putting off, that looking to the future to be happy that is not going to happen. If you are not happy in the present moment you aren’t happy anywhere.
So my date just looks past me, because I am 59. He is the same age, but wants someone young and pretty and less complex than me. So he begins our date with a 30 minute dissertation on his health issues. And ends it with the comment he needs 2 Viagra to get an erection. He has a pacemaker and that is asking for a heart attack. Because I walk through life in a sort of blessed state anymore, which even my most hardened friends recognize, my best and hottest bartender was working and he kept the mojitos rolling plus he made me laugh until I said enough I am going home. And I did. Then things went sideways and I slipped into old habits that I am not going to discuss. The point is we are happiest being exactly who we are without pretense and without barriers. The other point is we are happiest in the present. The future is an unknown for anyone no matter how much you save no matter how much you plan.
As far as questions. The main thing I am asked is if I am involved. I am not even sure what the hell that even means. However, I can say I am sexual. I do things that make me happy. I am good. And that is all I want to reveal.