One of the main aspects of Tantra is communication. The mantra being basically: positive thought, positive words, positive actions. To stay with that idea for a moment. I do not believe or appreciate false positive talk. You hear a lot of it in yoga. There are certain catch phrases, manifest a good night’s sleep. Or my personal all time favorites– I don’t go to the dentist. I manifest good teeth. I do not buy into that. I believe my thoughts can change my state of being. I do not believe my thoughts can keep my teeth healthy without a dentist. On the point of positive words, I rather hear honest authentic words. I expressed negative words today. And I feel badly about it. I wish I had not said anything at all. But the problem was I was not thinking positive thoughts or asking the right questions.
A key point in Tantra communication is asking for what you want. Not form the universe not from some mystical something, but from the person you are with. You get what you want in bed by asking. And asking from a place of intimacy and connection. Sex is not a ritual that we do or a job or if I do this and this I will get this. Good knowledge and skills make sex easier, but they real benefit of sex is connection. For connection to take place you have to ask for what you want. Not demand, not whine, not manipulate, not bribe, but ask. Ask by using Please and thank you and listening to the answer.
I often hear that people, men people would like more frequency of sex. I understand this. I was with a withholding man. It made no sense to me why he wouldn’t have sex more often. I reacted with frustration and anger. I demanded sex, but I didn’t ask for what I really needed. I needed to feel loved and appreciated and for me that meant having sex and having my sexuality validated. I didn’t say to him, “I love you and I need to feel close to you. Could we please make love?” That is what I truly needed and wanted, but instead I would get mad and say things like, “What the hell is wrong with you? We never have sex!!!” Obviously this didn’t work or get me the desired response and finally we divorced. I never learned to communicate what I wanted. I still struggle with it. I struggled today with it. Life is difficult and we do not need to make it more difficult by not communicating well.
I have taken a lot of courses on communication gone to workshops, been a counselor and a social worker and a teacher, but the best advise the best course of action I have learned is ask for what you want. That is a key Tantra principle. Ask for what you want.