Attachment and Pleasure 

images (5)When I use the word attachment I am not using it in the context of commitment to a person or relationships or affection and love.  I am using it in the Buddhists sense that our attachment to a perceived outcome detracts from being present and enjoying  what the present moment offers.

Attachment is striving for an outcome or expecting an outcome and focusing on it to the determent of enjoying the present. It is impossible to be present and mindful if you are focused or attached to an outcome. An example is the focus people put on finding the one who will make them happy rather than being the one that is happy.

People often ask me how they can prepare for a session and my response is to be present and bring an open mind and an open heart.  Those are exactly the things we should bring to sex.  The gift of being totally and completely present and being open to the experience is the greatest benefit of Tantra whether you practice alone or with a partner.  Of course I always recommend partner sex, but sometimes suitable partners are in short supply. Plus Tantra is not all about sex, but it is also about emotional balance, living a compassionate life and being present to experience the joy of being alive.  However, I will state I have never had better,  stronger, or more rewarding orgasms than now when I practice Tantra.  And that is not to mention the fact they are full body orgasms.  So enough about my bragging rights.

Attachment is when you expect an outcome and your focus is so intense on the outcome you want that you fail to enjoy the experience and if the outcome is different the experience is ruined.   This can be best explained by an example.  When I moved back to Pocatello from Boise, I left behind my romantic life and had to begin again.  And I knew it would be different and the men would be more conservative.  This proved to be true.  One man I dated could only have sex a certain way.  He didn’t explain it to me, but when I moved to another position he lost his erection and could not continue. Later he explained to me how he had to have sex.  He had to kiss me a couple of times, but no tongue, play with my breasts a little, giver a tiny bit of oral and then have intercourse.  Me moving or making noise or doing anything other than laying there threw him off his game.  I asked him about it and he said that was how sex was supposed to be and he didn’t think he could do it another way.  I gave it a few more tries and then I was done.  He was attached to his ideas of how sex should be.  However he was also attached to how sex needed to be performed and I use preform in the most engineering like way.   There could be no break from what he considered the norm or he could not achieve orgasm. And I talked with him and from that conversation I concluded that his attachment to his ideas of what was acceptable and appropriate sex were not changeable.

If  you only focus on the orgasm you have missed the pleasure of touching and intimacy and the smell and texture of your partner and all the tiny wonderful things that go into lovemaking.  If you only focus on yourself then you have left out your partner or if you focus too intently on your partner and their pleasure you have left out yourself.  Great sex takes place in the present moment.  It doesn’t take place in the future where you are with the exact right person and everything is perfect and  your abs are toned.  It takes place in the Now.

Attachment is never healthy and robs us of the experience of the present. Buddha




An Orgasm is Grace and Enlightenment


When I begin a session I place my hand on the base of the spine where the Kundalini energy resides, usually dormant. And I say that during an orgasm the energy brushes against the Kundalini energy and gives us a brief glimpse of enlightenment or grace depending on your beliefs.

The teaching of the sexual tantras all come down to one point. Although desire, of whatever shape or form, seeks completion, there is another kind of union than the one we imagine. In this union, achieved when the egocentric model of dualistic thinking is no longer dominant, we are not united with it, nor am I united with you, but we all just are. The movement from object to subject, as described in both Eastern meditation and modern psychotherapy, is training for this union, but its perception usually comes as a surprise, even when images7JVIGRL8this shift is well under way. It is a kind of grace. The emphasis on sexual relations in the tantric teachings make it clear that the ecstatic surprise of orgasm is the best approximation of this grace.”
Mark Epstein, Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life – Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy

Osho on Love

Osho3 Sometimes that love comes as love of self and love of life. Life sometimes doesn’t bring us romantic love we can maintain.  That doesn’t mean there isn’t love in your life.  I have more love in my life as a single person than I ever did married. There is nothing more lonely than living with a person you don’t love and who doesn’t truly love you.  

Sex vs Sexuality

michael-parkes-magic-realism-paintings-720-2I have been thinking about this topic a lot. I had a client begin talking about his fantasy. He told me it was a way that he accessed his sexuality. I explained another way that I have come to believe in which was to focus on the sensations of the body, and the breath and to remain present and attentive to the touch. I think he was a bit offended. Fantasy, is all in the head and sex is in the body. Be present and attentive to what you are doing in any activity, but especially sex. And while researching this idea I came across the teaching by Osho and what follows is his explanation of sex and sexuality.


Sex is beautiful, sexuality is ugly, and the difference has to be understood. Sex is a natural phenomenon. Sexuality is unnatural, abnormal and pathological. When sex becomes cerebral, when sex enters in your head, it becomes sexuality.
Now, the head is not the center for sex. It is getting into confusion, it is getting upside down, it is getting deranged. Sex is not the function of the head, but when sex enters in through the head it becomes sexuality. Then you think about sex, then you fantasize about sex. And the more you think, the more you fantasize about it, the more you will get into trouble because then nothing real will ever satisfy you because there is no limitation on fantasy, and reality is limited.
For example, if you start thinking too much about sex you can create beautiful women – women which are only your fantasy; you will never find them anywhere in the world. Or will never come across them. No real woman or man will ever satisfy you because of the fantasy. No real man or woman can fulfill your expectations of fantasy. Fantasy is fantasy; it is a dream.

Tantra is important.

sex4 One Reason sex begins to feel the same and sort of tired and worn out

is that most of us fall into patterns or habits.  Even in masturbation we tend to touch ourselves in the same way at the same rhythm to the same

images and fantasies.  At some point our bodies fail to react with excitement and pleasure.  So we try a faster pace or a harder touch and it takes longer

to get less and less pleasure.  I have been there.  Where I could only orgasm on my back moving my hand a certain way on my clitoris and thinking certain thoughts. and there could be no disruption to my routine or I  could not achieve an orgasm.   And those destructive habits became a part of my married sex also.  One of the blessings of divorce was that I had to move beyond that. I experimented with toys, different ways to touch, with men, and finally came to Tantra as important to sex.

One reason Tantra is important is that you learn to touch in a different way.  Your touch is filled with intention. The intention is to give pleasure and to receive pleasure.  Also breath is incorporated in the touch to make sure the body is feed with energy to feel the greatest  amount of desire and pleasure. And at higher levels of Tantra visualization and mediations and sounds are added to increase the feeling of expansion and pleasure. Or as I recently explained to a client,” more better”….  I got excited.  It is something I love to talk about and believe in.  Tantra is important as a way to love and to have sex.  It not only teaches acceptance of our own bodies, but to extend that acceptance to others.

However, I think most importantly it teaches how to touch in a way that isn’t judgmental, isn’t demanding, or harsh but kind and encouraging.  I am not saying that rough sex isn’t fun and exciting.  It is.  But even in rough sex if the intention is to please there is a different texture to the touch.  Also Tantra gives confidence to sex and how to touch to give the most pleasure and how to breathe to experience the most pleasure.  One of the benefits I have received through Tantra and why I believe it is important is the quality of my orgasms when I am with myself or a partner. The biggest gift Tantra gives is the expansion of pleasure and the best gift we can give a partner is our own pleasure. It makes you feel happy and intimate  to bring someone pleasure and to watch that experience of ecstasy unfold on your partners face.  It is why many people, men and women, enjoy giving oral pleasure.  You get to watch the change of expression from happy to intense pleasure to a relaxed state of bliss.  That is what sex, intimacy and Tantra is all about.  And that is why I love it. untitled (24)


Best Quote on Sex and Life and Love

New Year Resolutions, and the Best Tantric Sex—Ever

aamassage I am glad the craze for New Years Resolutions is basically over.  There are still a few people hanging on trying to change their lives by beginning an exercise program or meditation or drop some weight or build a better relationship or do better at work.  You can name a bunch of stuff.  However, what I have observed over the years is that people don’t change very much.  My sister-in-law has been losing and gaining back the same 75 lbs. for the last twenty years.

Does that mean I don’t believe in change, no.  I do.  I think change comes with daily habits.  You get up you exercise, you drink water, you drink more water, and you eat whole foods that aren’t refined.  Making a few small changes makes all the difference in the world over time.  If you want to have better sex, you learn new techniques.  You practice.  You make sex and intimacy a priority in your life because it builds healthy strong relationships, and protects relationships from damage, plus it promotes better emotional health and physical health.  One of the things I focus a lot on is breathing or pranayama.  Breathing correctly is not something a lot of people do.  They take short shallow breaths that signal to the body that it is a flight or fight response.  This increases stress in the body and muscle tension.

One of the first things in Tantra that is learned is how to breathe. And how to breathe to increase the pleasure and intensity of orgasms. It is not a difficult technique.  Their are also several Kundalini poses that strengthen the sexual organs and develop strength in that area along with pranayama. Tantra is not a complicated practice reserved for a few.  It is a few easy changes in how you view sex and how you experience pleasure and learning how to breath differently.

One simple way Tantric way to increase the intensity and feeling of an orgasm and make it a more expansive experience is to take long deep breaths, to consciously take long deep breaths during foreplay.  Rather than pant take a long deep breath in to the count of 4 or more hold  and let it out slowly.  when taking a breath in imagine the air flowing into your body filling your pelvic region with desire and pleasure. Let your mind be still and experience the feel of your lovers skin, and breath and touch.  Experience as much pleasure as you want to give.  Pleasure is limitless or limited by our own thoughts.

A small change in breathing patterns during sex, learning to still the mind and accept pleasure in all the forms that please you will expand your sex life and make for a blissful New Year.


But this way feels natural

I actually sort of love hearing that.  I usually hear it when I am helping with conscious deep breathing.  Most people go well I just breathe.  And you likely breathe the wrong way.  With short shallow breaths that produce tension and pain in your upper back and between your shoulder blades.  That is not neck pain or back pain that is tension, pure and simple tension.  That is actually increased by short shallow breaths. btantra I used to have it every day.  Every single day and I just expected it.  From age 21 to about 44.  It was a pain I lived with daily.  When I began writing, it of course worsened. One reason was stress and the other was the fact I sat and typed for long periods of time and our bodies are not designed to sit.  Then in my mid forties I began to do yoga and I struggled with what Rodney Yee described as conscious breathing. I still struggle with my breath exercises. Because I am not doing what I feel is natural, which really mean easiest.  Learning to control the breath is one of the most difficult parts of my practice. It is hard.  It doesn’t feel natural.  I still struggle with it.  However, I do understand the value of learning how to breathe.  And to be honest once I began using conscious breathing, my neck pain stopped and I haven’t had it for 15 years.  On top of that I had broken my neck at 20 and the doctors assured me I would have arthritis in my neck, which I have not had.

Now I am going to get sexual.  When most people achieve orgasm they tend to hold their breath and tighten up the muscles in their legs and buttocks often leading to the cramp in the ball of the feet.  We have all been there and it feels natural.

However, when the breath is cut off and the flow energy is stop by the clenching of muscles the orgasms is actually confined and shortened. By using deep breathing methods and the ocean breath to relax the body the orgasm has a chance to expand and flow outward. I would compare it to waves of pleasure sweeping through the body.  And no it doesn’t feel natural at first, but with practice it is like tide bringing in ever increasing pleasure.    


Start the New Year with higher awareness of Pleasure and Bliss.

aaamassage  I do not make new years resolutions as I do not like to set myself up for failure.  I do however have like to use the time between Christmas and the New Year to regroup, organize and get prepared for changes.  I wanted to talk about a tantric practice and what that means. Tantra isn’t all about sex.  It is also about deep relaxation, and mediation, and breath work.  Much of my Tantra practice focuses on movement and breathing. I have 5 pelvic exercises I do to music each night while using yoni breathing. These movement strengthen my pelvic floor and keep the power of desire open and my back loose and the hips in good working order.  That is one  practice I use to bring pleasure into my life by feeling the music and breath move within me.  Each of us are different, but there are some common threads in our existence.  Most of us worry about age, and loss.  Loss takes many forms, from people, to health, to finances, to desire and passion.  Loss and change is a fact of life.  It is how we react and process that change as to how happy will be in this life.

One area that seems to come up in many of my sessions is the loss of desire or passion.  And to use a farm analogy,  “You have to prime the pump.” The more sexual you are the more sexual you will want to be.  The more you seek out pleasure the more pleasure you will find.  The body has an amazing ability to give us high levels of pleasure and bliss.  Most people simply do not tap into the body’s ability to feel high levels of pleasure.  However, I have to make a distinction between desire and pleasure.

Desire is that feeling of wanting and yearning for physical contact.  It is that fierce need to have someone.  To have sex that overrides anything else.  That feeling is great.  I have never met anyone that doesn’t like that feeling. I will say it again, that feeling is great.  It inspires great poetry, songs, and works of art.  It also inspires us to make changes in our lives for relationships and marriage and numerous other things.  That feeling is the creativity of our sexual desires moving us to change and create and experience pleasure.   That feeling never goes away, but we can become disconnected from it and our own body.  I think that is very true when we only view our sexuality in terms of intercourse and sexual parts.  Your desire your passion doesn’t exist in your yoni or lingman.  It exists in the circuit of energy that arises in the fire chakra and moves up the central channel to our heart and minds. When desire is absent it is often a great concern to people.  It is worded in ways like: we don’t have that spark anymore;  I just don’t feel it anymore; we are just going through the motions; I just want to get it done.  Also variations of this theme.

Pleasure is different.  It is what we feel when we are touched, or have an orgasm.   The ability to enhance pleasure is present in everyone. amassage And it is not based on age or the swift fierce desire of youth.  Pleasure comes from learning how to experience it through techniques.  Tantra offers those techniques.   Pleasure is almost limitless and is one reason that many seek enlightenment through Tantra yoga.  The extension of pleasure over a period of time breaks down the barriers between our limited body and the limitless universe and that is enlightenment to know we are part of the universe and not separate and alone.

I love the heady rush of desire for someone and the need to be with them. It reminds me of how powerful those feelings are and how necessary they are.  However, there is the real trap of thinking that lust, or infatuation or desire is created by someone else or can only be felt when we are young.   That is a emotion that we have but often leave untapped as we don’t know how to access it we don’t know how to have control over bring it forward.  I use my writing, and my Tantra movements and breath work to feel the free flow of desire.  There are other ways, visualizations, meditations and exercises that also increase desire.

Pleasure can become almost limitless through breath work and learning to relax to let the pleasure flow through you rather than holding your breath and tightening up, which cuts short the pleasure.   Connecting or reconnecting  the pathways to desire and  pleasure are a benefit of Tantra yogi.