Sexual Healing 

I was having a discussion with a student about the chakra systems. There are many and some have strayed very far from their original meaning .  They are just a bit different it seems for everyone.  I recently broke my T4 vertebrae in a fall from a high place.  I was told by a yoga teacher I needed to do the heart opening mediatation because the pain was coming from my heart chakra.  I just looked at her and said no it is coming from the trauma surrounding the injury.  I am too down to earth to be that Tantra gal that is trying to heal people with chakras. And for some reason it is always the heart.  It is never the root chakra always the heart.  This system of chakras is connected to Indian classical yoga, Hatha yoga, and Kundalini yoga plus others.

I work with elemental chakras earth, fire, air, water, ether.   This not only suits my earthy nature but they connect us to what makes up our world.  And I hardly ever tell anyone their heart needs healing.  In fact in Tantra I usually work with the fire chakra and use the fire meditation because Tantra teaches us that we can only connect to our heart if the strongest energy in our body is flowing freely and that is our sexual energy.  So Tantra does sexual healing.   And by healing the trauma we store in our fire chakra from rejection, betrayals, past abuse, shame and whatever troubles us that works its way to the core of our body we heal  the entire body.  That is Tantra.  It uses the strongest energy in the body to heal the rest of us.  To transform.  Just like how the elements transform the earth.

ED and Health.

In my job I hear a lot of problems and I also hear a lot of good happy things from people.  And I try to study and learn as much as I can.  I am not overly fond of the term lifetime learner as if that unusual or something to be patted on the back for, it’s not. If you are not learning every day new and correct information, you are then stuck in a rut of bad out dated information. I haven’t been working much or blogging for the simple fact on April 27th, I broke the T4 vertebrae in my back.  Not from thinning bones or an age related issue.  I fell.  I didn’t lose my balance I stepped onto an unsafe surface.  Since then I am been resting.  I also went in and had my vertebrae repaired to give me the best chance of having a healthy  spine. I have been taking extra supplements,  drinking 48 oz. of water a day, and sleeping about 16 hours a day.  My focus has been on getting healthy and strong. I have one thing going for me great genetics.  That is something none of us have control over. However we have control over what and how we eat, our exercise patterns, our overall activity, which has proven to be more important than exercise, our sexuality, and our state of mind.  We also have control over getting medical care and help when we need it and not to ignore signs of problems.

Which brings me to the point of my blog, ED.  Erectile Dysfunction.  I spent two days watching advertisement about differing products for erectile dysfunction.  At some point I did have to start drinking my favorite adult beverage, Crispin Natural Hard Cider.  I will say that I don’t find drinking adult beverages at odds with my Tantra path.  In moderation adult beverages provide crispinneeded anti-oxidants such as in wine and the very important relaxation response.  When you sit down for a glass of wine or beer or even a good cocktail, you body relaxes as it knows the beverage will make it feel good.  That is not a bad thing if you are moderate.  But you have to be moderate.  And if you can’t be moderate you should not drink.

What I learned from the ED commercials is there are a lot of desperate and misinformed people out there willing to buy snake oil and many doctors pushing Viagra or other pills.   Men seem to have limited knowledge of how their bodies work and the aging process. 

You can see from the  chart there is a spike at about 16 to 18 and an leveling off at 19.  Then there is quite a bit of difference in male levels of hormones. But after 30 all men lose about 1% of their testosterone with each year.  And obviously all men don’t have the same level of male hormones in their bodies.  On the flip side all women don’t have the same levels of female hormones.  I have very high estrogen this doesn’t make me more horny or womanly than women that have lower amounts.  Hormone levels have very little to do with behavior,  and male hormones have to be very low not to get an erection.  My son when he was two years old started getting erections from watching kissing on TV.   My observations are backed up with real scientific proof:   ” A 2012 study finds that the waning of testosterone levels in men is more likely a result of behavioral and health changes than by aging. “Declining testosterone levels are not an inevitable part of the aging process, as many people think,” said study co-author Gary Wittert, MD, professor of medicine at the University of Adelaide in Adelaide, Australia.”http://www.medicaldaily.com/male-sex-drive-mighty-testosterone-alone-responsible-libido-246793.  Low Testosterone was linked to poor health, obesity, lack of activity, lack of sexual activity, depression.   Age doesn’t translate to significantly lower levels of male hormones in healthy men.  Diabetes, and heart disease are strongly related to ED as are some medications. 

Dr Oz reports:

Here are the typical ranges for men:

  • Age: 20-40 testosterone level: 400-1,080

  • Age: 40-50 testosterone level: 350-890

  • Age: 50-60 testosterone level: 250-750

  • Age: 70 or above testosterone level: 250-650

Below is a chart from http://www.healthline.com/health/low-testosterone/testosterone-levels-by-age#Adolescence that shows normal levels of testosterone throughout the course of their lives.

 

Male Female
Age: T Level (ng/dL): Age: T Level (ng/dL):
0-5 months 75-400 0-5 months 20-80
6 mos.-9 yrs. <7-20 6 mos.-9 yrs. <7-20
10-11 yrs. <7-130 10-11 yrs. <7-44
12-13 yrs. <7-800 12-16 yrs. <7-75
14 yrs. <7-1,200 17-18 yrs. 20-75
15-16 yrs. 100-1,200 19+ yrs. 8-60
17-18 yrs. 300-1,200
19+ yrs. 240-950
Avg. Adult Male 270-1,070 Avg. Adult Female 15-70
30+ yrs. -1% per year

 We continue to grow  until we are 25 and then we begin the slow process of aging, which most of us do not notice until 29 and then just a bit and then it doesn’t really sink in until about  46, then it is hey my life could be half over.   This is when many men notice for the first time their erections are different. They have been getting different for a while.   I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but you can not expect the same erections you got a sixteen when you are in your late 30’s or 40’s.  It is not so much things have changed, but you haven’t noticed the natural aging process. I don’t have the breasts I did at 16.  I wish I did.  They were like a force for good in the universe.  With time they changed.  The penis changes with time and the things most boys/men learned at 16 don’t work at  37, 38, 42 or 48.  The same fantasy about the high school sweetheart fails to ignite the flames. The thought of sex doesn’t seems as interesting as the sport event on TV, you fear that sex with your girlfriend will make her feel that you are in a relationship so you avoid it.  Even masturbation doesn’t feel as good as it used to and often doesn’t produce strong orgasms    On one ED  commercial it said, “This doesn’t require any exercise or breathing or any weird stuff like that.”  No it requires you to pay 99.00 a month for an unproven, possibly unsafe supplement.  Breathing and Exercise are weird things.  I will get back to that.

The misinformation and just out and out lies the commercial used to sell a product of little to no value is frightening.   It began with the idea that the man’s wife would leave him if he wasn’t able to penetrate her ever night with a good strong erection.  And his wife needed sex every night because it was her way to cope with life’s stresses.  Let’s break this down.   

A-Sex isn’t just a penis going into a vagina and it is certainly not the only way to satisfy a woman or a man.  There is oral sex, manual simulation, toys, other parts of the body that are orgasmic.  Many women have orgasms from nipple play.  If the entire focus of sex is going to be on the man’s penis a great sex life is never going to happen, plus that is a lot of pressure for the man.   Also it made  me wonder if this guy telling his story is so shallow he won’t give his wife an orgasm any other way than his penis.  And the hard stats are only  25% of women orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. I can remember in high school or college that I reached down to stimulate my clitoris and the guy brushed my hand away and wouldn’t let me.   That guy was 22 years old and sort of misogynist. I would think most men aren’t like that.  Most men will do about anything to pleasure the woman and make sure she has an orgasm. Let’s be honest.  A man needs an erection so he can orgasm. There is not a thing wrong with that, nothing.  As a side note:  Older men might have slightly less firm erections, but they have stronger orgasms.   They are longer and they are stronger.  No one talks about that. Sexual activity for older men is often more enjoyable, relaxed, with the pay off of stronger full body orgasms. Of course that does mean you have to get an erection.  However, erections and orgasms from Viagra are terrible and that drug can damage your penis by pushing too much blood through the tiny valves of the many tiny capillaries that go to the penis.  It is a no win situation.

Green man

You might ask why the picture of the leafy man?  That is the Green Man from Celtic Nature Religions  He represents rebirth and growth.   Something we often do not connect with masculinity. One ritual for many tribes was around Beltane or the spring Equinox the leader of the tribe was expected to have sex in full view of the tribe with a virgin.  Many think it was the sacrifice of the woman’s virginity that was the scared part of the ritual. However, it wasn’t the taking of the girl’s virginity.  What the point was that the leader could perform sexually and that he was sound in his body and mind. It was understood that healthy men could get erections.   An erection signified good health and that was important in a leader.

Erections are a sign of good health.  If you are not having good erections have your health checked first.  It is often a sign of diabetes, or prostate problems or heart disease.  Then the second thing is emotional issues, too much drinking, and lack of a willing and well-matched partner and depression. ED will be common in sexless marriages, or marriages where the woman is very rejecting because that does happen. I lost my ability to have orgasms the last several years of my marriage and for about a year afterward.  Rubbing it harder, and looking at porn and flirting with relationships didn’t make it better.  What made it better was getting out of a dead marriage and learning about Tantra.  Guess what? learning to breath differently and to do exercises did work and has continued to work for me.  Making sure you are healthy with enough blood and oxygen going to your sex organs is important to maintaining erections  and good sexual functioning.  You might even say it is key.  Good health, exercise, intimacy (emotionally)  good mental health and productivity will keep up your male hormones.  Correct breathing and exercise for the lingam area will also protect ED.  The other cure will be discussed tomorrow, night

 

 

 

Our Bodies, Our Sex, Our Lives

One aspect of our lives that continues to surprise me is the lack of knowledge we have about our own bodies and the bodies of our partners. 4_ Lingam MassageWhat I believe is that many suffer from body shame and shame of sex and desire and pleasure.  As we age whether we are in a relationship or not we can grow isolated and withdraw into our own body, and not seek out the comfort of touch and pleasure.  When this happens we become disconnected from our bodies.  Men stop getting erections, and have difficulty achieving orgasms or have weak orgasms or lack desire to find a partner or to be with their partner.  Women seek outside distractions, lose interest in sex and have a difficulty achieving orgasms.  Both men and women might think when having sex, “lets just get it over”  For no matter what, our bodies do cry out for connection and release.  In youth we don’t manifest a lot of sex problems as our biology overrides everything else including shame. So we enter into marriages or partnership with our eyes blinded by love, lust, dreams, hope or a happy life.

Then this original shame comes back after biology fails us and our lust and passion goes.  Osho, the celebrated Tantra teacher, tells us that when we are small we breathe deep, deep into our very centers.  And so we are centered and we are happy in a way that is a miracle.  Then as we grow we become aware there are rules and people to tell us no, stop that or smack us or worse abuse us or ignore us. As a child we are breathing deep into our centers and feeling our happiness and suddenly someone yells at us.  Our breath stops suddenly and fear fills our body.  We exhale.  Then the next breath comes in again it doesn’t go to our center.  It stops higher up.  Until the time when are breath is shallow in our chest and doesn’t enliven our body, but just keeps it functioning at a minimal level. This slowly creeps up on us and hit us in midlife hence the midlife crisis. Then we seek out answers or we wallow in depression and misery and try to further deaden feelings.

However, not every one is like this.  Some people are genuinely happy. Those people follow the principles of Tantra without even knowing them.  They breathe deeply, they love totally, they follow a spiritual path that adds meaning to their life and they question life and can stand the dual nature of life while looking for unity.  And they embrace intimacy.  I believe in happy people, and I believe people can learn to be happy.  I believe people can reclaim their birthright of happiness.

The way to do that is to let go of shame, claim the pleasures of our body, breathe deeply and well and find the joy of sex and live a life that has meaning.  And to do this we must know our bodies and the bodies of our partner and approach them with compassion.  Tantra isn’t about being immoral or giving up values it is about being present in every breath.

 

 

 

Questions and Totality

My frame of mind is not good.  I relasped and went on a date. I was not too bad until the 4th mojtio then I could not pretend any longer.  I had to be me.

The truth is when I am working with people,  I am my best me.   When working with people one on one or in a large groups where I am talking or when I have sex, I am in my zone.  That is not really the point of this post. Michael Parkes - Petrouchkas dreamI am not my best me when I feel judged or someone is angry at me or if I feel I am not respected for the person I am.  In these situations I don’t think anyone is their best me. I don’t.  None of us like to be judged, no one likes anger pointed at them and no one likes feeling that their opinions and feelings are not respected.  None of us like to feel invisible or not truly seen.  As humans we have a natural desire to be known, to be understood.  This comes out when we are adolescents as being different than our parents and calling attention to ourselves by the way we dress and talk and do our hair, however we still want the acceptance of our peers so we look like them and not our parents.

That is a driving force of most people is the need to be understood especially at our most intimate times.  There are men and women that go through their entire lives not expressing their true selves.  This is painful and these people have such a deep seated dissatisfaction with life that the main feeling others pick up from them is anger or discomfort.  Many of  these people are like my brother who firmly believes there is a place in the future where he will be happy and healthy and having a great relationship with his wife, or my ex high school boyfriend who thinks we will be together when we are 70 and having great sex.  I believe I will be having great sex at 70, however I believe my ex high school boyfriend will be dead from his bad heart and total lack of self care.  And the difference is Tantra and totality.   I am totally in or I am totally out. There is no religion no philosophy that recommends half heartedness.  Back to my ex high school boyfriend.  He has been married 40 years to a woman he didn’t whole heartedly love, who didn’t give him the sex or affection he carved.  Is that her fault?  No it is not.  He never voiced his needs in a way she could hear. That putting off, that looking to the future to be happy that is not going to happen.  If you are not happy in the present moment you aren’t happy anywhere.

So my date just looks past me, because I am 59.  He is the same age, but wants someone young and pretty and less complex than me. So he begins our date with a 30 minute dissertation on his health issues.  And ends it with the comment he needs 2 Viagra to get an erection.  He has a pacemaker and that is asking for a heart attack.  Because I walk through life in a sort of blessed state anymore, which even my most hardened friends recognize, my best and hottest bartender was working and he kept the mojitos rolling plus he made me laugh until I said enough I am going home.  And I did. Then things went sideways and I slipped into old habits that I am not going to discuss.  The point is we are happiest being exactly who we are without pretense and without barriers.  The other point is we are happiest in the present. The future is an unknown for anyone no matter how much you save no matter how much you plan.

As far as questions.  The main thing I am asked is if I am involved. I am not even sure what the hell that even means.  However, I can say I am sexual.  I do things that make me happy.  I am good.  And that is all I want to reveal. Michael_Parkes_05

Tantra is important.

sex4 One Reason sex begins to feel the same and sort of tired and worn out

is that most of us fall into patterns or habits.  Even in masturbation we tend to touch ourselves in the same way at the same rhythm to the same

images and fantasies.  At some point our bodies fail to react with excitement and pleasure.  So we try a faster pace or a harder touch and it takes longer

to get less and less pleasure.  I have been there.  Where I could only orgasm on my back moving my hand a certain way on my clitoris and thinking certain thoughts. and there could be no disruption to my routine or I  could not achieve an orgasm.   And those destructive habits became a part of my married sex also.  One of the blessings of divorce was that I had to move beyond that. I experimented with toys, different ways to touch, with men, and finally came to Tantra as important to sex.

One reason Tantra is important is that you learn to touch in a different way.  Your touch is filled with intention. The intention is to give pleasure and to receive pleasure.  Also breath is incorporated in the touch to make sure the body is feed with energy to feel the greatest  amount of desire and pleasure. And at higher levels of Tantra visualization and mediations and sounds are added to increase the feeling of expansion and pleasure. Or as I recently explained to a client,” more better”….  I got excited.  It is something I love to talk about and believe in.  Tantra is important as a way to love and to have sex.  It not only teaches acceptance of our own bodies, but to extend that acceptance to others.

However, I think most importantly it teaches how to touch in a way that isn’t judgmental, isn’t demanding, or harsh but kind and encouraging.  I am not saying that rough sex isn’t fun and exciting.  It is.  But even in rough sex if the intention is to please there is a different texture to the touch.  Also Tantra gives confidence to sex and how to touch to give the most pleasure and how to breathe to experience the most pleasure.  One of the benefits I have received through Tantra and why I believe it is important is the quality of my orgasms when I am with myself or a partner. The biggest gift Tantra gives is the expansion of pleasure and the best gift we can give a partner is our own pleasure. It makes you feel happy and intimate  to bring someone pleasure and to watch that experience of ecstasy unfold on your partners face.  It is why many people, men and women, enjoy giving oral pleasure.  You get to watch the change of expression from happy to intense pleasure to a relaxed state of bliss.  That is what sex, intimacy and Tantra is all about.  And that is why I love it. untitled (24)

 

But this way feels natural

I actually sort of love hearing that.  I usually hear it when I am helping with conscious deep breathing.  Most people go well I just breathe.  And you likely breathe the wrong way.  With short shallow breaths that produce tension and pain in your upper back and between your shoulder blades.  That is not neck pain or back pain that is tension, pure and simple tension.  That is actually increased by short shallow breaths. btantra I used to have it every day.  Every single day and I just expected it.  From age 21 to about 44.  It was a pain I lived with daily.  When I began writing, it of course worsened. One reason was stress and the other was the fact I sat and typed for long periods of time and our bodies are not designed to sit.  Then in my mid forties I began to do yoga and I struggled with what Rodney Yee described as conscious breathing. I still struggle with my breath exercises. Because I am not doing what I feel is natural, which really mean easiest.  Learning to control the breath is one of the most difficult parts of my practice. It is hard.  It doesn’t feel natural.  I still struggle with it.  However, I do understand the value of learning how to breathe.  And to be honest once I began using conscious breathing, my neck pain stopped and I haven’t had it for 15 years.  On top of that I had broken my neck at 20 and the doctors assured me I would have arthritis in my neck, which I have not had.

Now I am going to get sexual.  When most people achieve orgasm they tend to hold their breath and tighten up the muscles in their legs and buttocks often leading to the cramp in the ball of the feet.  We have all been there and it feels natural.

However, when the breath is cut off and the flow energy is stop by the clenching of muscles the orgasms is actually confined and shortened. By using deep breathing methods and the ocean breath to relax the body the orgasm has a chance to expand and flow outward. I would compare it to waves of pleasure sweeping through the body.  And no it doesn’t feel natural at first, but with practice it is like tide bringing in ever increasing pleasure.    

 

Start the New Year with higher awareness of Pleasure and Bliss.

aaamassage  I do not make new years resolutions as I do not like to set myself up for failure.  I do however have like to use the time between Christmas and the New Year to regroup, organize and get prepared for changes.  I wanted to talk about a tantric practice and what that means. Tantra isn’t all about sex.  It is also about deep relaxation, and mediation, and breath work.  Much of my Tantra practice focuses on movement and breathing. I have 5 pelvic exercises I do to music each night while using yoni breathing. These movement strengthen my pelvic floor and keep the power of desire open and my back loose and the hips in good working order.  That is one  practice I use to bring pleasure into my life by feeling the music and breath move within me.  Each of us are different, but there are some common threads in our existence.  Most of us worry about age, and loss.  Loss takes many forms, from people, to health, to finances, to desire and passion.  Loss and change is a fact of life.  It is how we react and process that change as to how happy will be in this life.

One area that seems to come up in many of my sessions is the loss of desire or passion.  And to use a farm analogy,  “You have to prime the pump.” The more sexual you are the more sexual you will want to be.  The more you seek out pleasure the more pleasure you will find.  The body has an amazing ability to give us high levels of pleasure and bliss.  Most people simply do not tap into the body’s ability to feel high levels of pleasure.  However, I have to make a distinction between desire and pleasure.

Desire is that feeling of wanting and yearning for physical contact.  It is that fierce need to have someone.  To have sex that overrides anything else.  That feeling is great.  I have never met anyone that doesn’t like that feeling. I will say it again, that feeling is great.  It inspires great poetry, songs, and works of art.  It also inspires us to make changes in our lives for relationships and marriage and numerous other things.  That feeling is the creativity of our sexual desires moving us to change and create and experience pleasure.   That feeling never goes away, but we can become disconnected from it and our own body.  I think that is very true when we only view our sexuality in terms of intercourse and sexual parts.  Your desire your passion doesn’t exist in your yoni or lingman.  It exists in the circuit of energy that arises in the fire chakra and moves up the central channel to our heart and minds. When desire is absent it is often a great concern to people.  It is worded in ways like: we don’t have that spark anymore;  I just don’t feel it anymore; we are just going through the motions; I just want to get it done.  Also variations of this theme.

Pleasure is different.  It is what we feel when we are touched, or have an orgasm.   The ability to enhance pleasure is present in everyone. amassage And it is not based on age or the swift fierce desire of youth.  Pleasure comes from learning how to experience it through techniques.  Tantra offers those techniques.   Pleasure is almost limitless and is one reason that many seek enlightenment through Tantra yoga.  The extension of pleasure over a period of time breaks down the barriers between our limited body and the limitless universe and that is enlightenment to know we are part of the universe and not separate and alone.

I love the heady rush of desire for someone and the need to be with them. It reminds me of how powerful those feelings are and how necessary they are.  However, there is the real trap of thinking that lust, or infatuation or desire is created by someone else or can only be felt when we are young.   That is a emotion that we have but often leave untapped as we don’t know how to access it we don’t know how to have control over bring it forward.  I use my writing, and my Tantra movements and breath work to feel the free flow of desire.  There are other ways, visualizations, meditations and exercises that also increase desire.

Pleasure can become almost limitless through breath work and learning to relax to let the pleasure flow through you rather than holding your breath and tightening up, which cuts short the pleasure.   Connecting or reconnecting  the pathways to desire and  pleasure are a benefit of Tantra yogi.

 

 

 

 

I get it! Breathe in Breathe out.

I received that email from someone.  That is all it said.  I suppose they were being funny or I don’t know.  I hazard to guess what people think anymore or their motivations.  However, I do know one thing.  In general people do not get it.  They do not breathe in or out correctly.  Most people take short shallow breaths that use the upper body to pump air into them.  Because with every breath you take you pull the tension into the upper back.  Another aspect of breath is that our body is nourished by the amount of oxygen that is getting to each cell.  When we are in a constant state of taking short shallow breaths the energy flow of the body is less.  Many people take short shallow breaths that builds up tension in the upper back and neck. Over time that tension becomes chronic and even with a good massage it doesn’t go away for very long. images (6)

Deep relaxation breath is one way to relieve upper back and neck tension.  By using the diaphragm for what it was made for breathing instead of taking short shallow breaths through the mouth, the body relaxes into a state of balance that is free of tension and stress.  During my sessions I use the this deep breathing to bring relaxation to the entire back and body.  So there is a lot of breathe in, breath out.  And the goal is to completely fill the lungs with new air and to exhale all the used air so there is a free current of energy in the body.

Another aspect of the breath is that often at the point of orgasm people, men and women, tighten up and hold their breath.  This does not make for a more powerful orgasm.  I have heard everything from it is natural you have to do it that way to just the regular it feels right to do it that way. A lot of things feel right that aren’t.  By holding on to the breath you are actually cutting off the flow of energy.  By tightening up your muscles the energy is being diverted from the orgasm.  When you breath into the orgasm and relax the body, the orgasm has room to expand and to involve the entire body not just one organ. The power of just deep relaxation breath is immense, but in combination with other breathing techniques the body can be recharged and re-energized to where tension does not build up in the muscles and the free flow of energy during orgasms becomes a full body orgasm rather than just a small burst of energy located primarily in the sex organs.  It is about breathing in and breathing out but doing it with purpose and intention to flood the body with air and energy