Get what you want in bed?

tantraWhen people learn that do Tantra I am often asked about sex. I wonder why? A lot of times men want to know how to get more of what they need in bed.  Maybe more oral, more stimulation, even more kissing, anal, bondage.

I have the answer.  It is really quite simple.   You ask.  You don’t demand, you don’t manipulate, you don’t bargain.  You ask honestly and politely. For example, “I noticed that you like it when I give you oral sex.  I really love you and want us to be intimately connected and honestly I would like oral sex.  What can I do to make it pleasurable for you?   Can I be cleaner?  Can I lay still and just let you pleasure me?

Most women have issue with oral sex for 3 reasons:  1-Manly smell 2-thrusting into the mouth and gagging. 3- fear of ejaculation in the mouth.

These are things women don’t like and will cause them not to want to perform oral sex.  Of course there are women that like both 2 & 3.  However, I know of no one that likes strong smell coming from the undercarriage.  Okay, I do know of a few fetishes, but I am not speaking about those

Oral sex is just an example, it could be anything, toe sucking, foot massage, spanking, anal, being tied up– whatever it is.  The first step to getting what you want or need is to ask.  I can hear a few men, saying I do ask and she says no.  Then how are you asking?  Are you demanding it?  Do you try to get her real excited and then bring it up, because that just generally ruins the mood.  Do you make passive aggressive hints about it? None of those things I mentioned are asking.  Ask with compassion, honesty, and be polite.  You will be surprised at the outcomes.  Tomorrow more helpful hints on getting what you need. I am pretty sure if an old broad like me can get what she wants, you can too.




Start the New Year with higher awareness of Pleasure and Bliss.

aaamassage  I do not make new years resolutions as I do not like to set myself up for failure.  I do however have like to use the time between Christmas and the New Year to regroup, organize and get prepared for changes.  I wanted to talk about a tantric practice and what that means. Tantra isn’t all about sex.  It is also about deep relaxation, and mediation, and breath work.  Much of my Tantra practice focuses on movement and breathing. I have 5 pelvic exercises I do to music each night while using yoni breathing. These movement strengthen my pelvic floor and keep the power of desire open and my back loose and the hips in good working order.  That is one  practice I use to bring pleasure into my life by feeling the music and breath move within me.  Each of us are different, but there are some common threads in our existence.  Most of us worry about age, and loss.  Loss takes many forms, from people, to health, to finances, to desire and passion.  Loss and change is a fact of life.  It is how we react and process that change as to how happy will be in this life.

One area that seems to come up in many of my sessions is the loss of desire or passion.  And to use a farm analogy,  “You have to prime the pump.” The more sexual you are the more sexual you will want to be.  The more you seek out pleasure the more pleasure you will find.  The body has an amazing ability to give us high levels of pleasure and bliss.  Most people simply do not tap into the body’s ability to feel high levels of pleasure.  However, I have to make a distinction between desire and pleasure.

Desire is that feeling of wanting and yearning for physical contact.  It is that fierce need to have someone.  To have sex that overrides anything else.  That feeling is great.  I have never met anyone that doesn’t like that feeling. I will say it again, that feeling is great.  It inspires great poetry, songs, and works of art.  It also inspires us to make changes in our lives for relationships and marriage and numerous other things.  That feeling is the creativity of our sexual desires moving us to change and create and experience pleasure.   That feeling never goes away, but we can become disconnected from it and our own body.  I think that is very true when we only view our sexuality in terms of intercourse and sexual parts.  Your desire your passion doesn’t exist in your yoni or lingman.  It exists in the circuit of energy that arises in the fire chakra and moves up the central channel to our heart and minds. When desire is absent it is often a great concern to people.  It is worded in ways like: we don’t have that spark anymore;  I just don’t feel it anymore; we are just going through the motions; I just want to get it done.  Also variations of this theme.

Pleasure is different.  It is what we feel when we are touched, or have an orgasm.   The ability to enhance pleasure is present in everyone. amassage And it is not based on age or the swift fierce desire of youth.  Pleasure comes from learning how to experience it through techniques.  Tantra offers those techniques.   Pleasure is almost limitless and is one reason that many seek enlightenment through Tantra yoga.  The extension of pleasure over a period of time breaks down the barriers between our limited body and the limitless universe and that is enlightenment to know we are part of the universe and not separate and alone.

I love the heady rush of desire for someone and the need to be with them. It reminds me of how powerful those feelings are and how necessary they are.  However, there is the real trap of thinking that lust, or infatuation or desire is created by someone else or can only be felt when we are young.   That is a emotion that we have but often leave untapped as we don’t know how to access it we don’t know how to have control over bring it forward.  I use my writing, and my Tantra movements and breath work to feel the free flow of desire.  There are other ways, visualizations, meditations and exercises that also increase desire.

Pleasure can become almost limitless through breath work and learning to relax to let the pleasure flow through you rather than holding your breath and tightening up, which cuts short the pleasure.   Connecting or reconnecting  the pathways to desire and  pleasure are a benefit of Tantra yogi.





The Easiest Way to Improve Sex–Be Present.

If you ever have had a random thought go through your head while making love or having sex, however it is defined, you aren’t fully in your body, but in your head and not present. I was almost the most shallow person on the planet as a young women.  I can remember running my hands over a mans’ back and feeling a bump and I was horrified and then my mind just went into a tailspin of “Did I just touch a pimple, a mole, a scar, what the hell was that? And I think the thought process of sex is different in women than men.  Women think during sex, and it is mostly not sexy thoughts.  It is “get this over so I can put some laundry in, or I need to take out some hamburger from the freezer or I wonder if he is looking at how small my boobs are, or how big my boobs are, or how my left boob is bigger than my right boob, or the mole on my boob, or the lone hair on my nipple, or the third nipple I have on my right side and if he sees the third nipple will he think I am a witch?  800px-narcissus-caravaggio_1594-96

The picture is of Narcissus, who became so caught up in his own image he fell in love with himself and couldn’t leave the pond. He ultimately died and was turned into the flower of the same name.  That is how we are when we get caught up in our own thoughts and become less aware of what is happening in the present moment. The chances pleasure and joy are of actually lessened when we are trapped by our own thoughts.

That is how women’s minds work, they aren’t usually judging the man they are just allowing random thoughts to cruise around their heads. What that means is they aren’t in their bodies, the pleasure is secondary, the sex is happening to them not with them.  I actually have always admired how men can just go after it as if the lingam blocks their thoughts.  However, since I do get the opportunity to speak with men about their sex lives I have found they also have intrusive thoughts and quite a few men have difficulty achieving orgasm. Or if the man is asking for something constantly during sex it is a good indication that he is not completely enjoying what is happening in the present moment.

The quickest the easiest way to improve sex it is be present.  Enjoy the feeling in the moment let the pleasure build and breathe and relax.  Trust yourself to enjoy the pleasure of giving and receiving touch.  I like to refer to it as sinking deep into the body.  It is the time when you forget about the outside world, the bills, the mole or pimple or scar or whatever and enjoy how the body feels and tastes and looks and just enjoy it.  Some will say easier said than done, but that is the complexity of being present in any activity.  If you are washing a glass just wash the glass and be mindful of the glass washing.  The same is true for sex.  When you are having sex or making love, just have sex and be mindful of the sex and communicate with understanding and compassion and love.   Easiest improvement to make.



Best Dating Advice–Ever as told to me by a man

The best dating advice I have ever heard is this.  Sleep with them on the first date unless they physically repulse you, and then leave and never see them again.  images (19)

The reason behind sleeping with them on the first date is logical.  The sexual chemistry or whatever pulls us to a person should be strong, so strong that it is irresistible.  So the decision  made by the body is good and should be listened it. But what if  you want to withhold so the man doesn’t get the wrong ideas.  Well, any man that is making judgments on a woman’s taste and sexuality is probably an asshole.  And the man should have enough confidence to believe that that woman is making the choice out of attraction to him not because she is a ____ insert whatever judgmental word you have for women.

What happens next:

1-The sex is amazing and you just sort of stick together

2-The sex sucks and you don’t see each other again.

Either is a win. You have either found someone you like and will be with for a while.  I slept with my ex husband on the first night and we were together for 25 years. I slept  with my ex boyfriend on our first date  and we were together for 5 years. It wasn’t forever, what is?  They weren’t the greatest relationships, but I did learn a lot and had a lot of good sex.   If you sleep with them and it is a total disaster then don’t see the person again, so what?  It was not going to work out anyway.

I find the logic of this sound.  It cuts out all the games, you begin a new relationship in the best possible way, great sex, or you walk away without having wasted a lot of time and heart ache.