When I use the word attachment I am not using it in the context of commitment to a person or relationships or affection and love. I am using it in the Buddhists sense that our attachment to a perceived outcome detracts from being present and enjoying what the present moment offers.
Attachment is striving for an outcome or expecting an outcome and focusing on it to the determent of enjoying the present. It is impossible to be present and mindful if you are focused or attached to an outcome. An example is the focus people put on finding the one who will make them happy rather than being the one that is happy.
People often ask me how they can prepare for a session and my response is to be present and bring an open mind and an open heart. Those are exactly the things we should bring to sex. The gift of being totally and completely present and being open to the experience is the greatest benefit of Tantra whether you practice alone or with a partner. Of course I always recommend partner sex, but sometimes suitable partners are in short supply. Plus Tantra is not all about sex, but it is also about emotional balance, living a compassionate life and being present to experience the joy of being alive. However, I will state I have never had better, stronger, or more rewarding orgasms than now when I practice Tantra. And that is not to mention the fact they are full body orgasms. So enough about my bragging rights.
Attachment is when you expect an outcome and your focus is so intense on the outcome you want that you fail to enjoy the experience and if the outcome is different the experience is ruined. This can be best explained by an example. When I moved back to Pocatello from Boise, I left behind my romantic life and had to begin again. And I knew it would be different and the men would be more conservative. This proved to be true. One man I dated could only have sex a certain way. He didn’t explain it to me, but when I moved to another position he lost his erection and could not continue. Later he explained to me how he had to have sex. He had to kiss me a couple of times, but no tongue, play with my breasts a little, giver a tiny bit of oral and then have intercourse. Me moving or making noise or doing anything other than laying there threw him off his game. I asked him about it and he said that was how sex was supposed to be and he didn’t think he could do it another way. I gave it a few more tries and then I was done. He was attached to his ideas of how sex should be. However he was also attached to how sex needed to be performed and I use preform in the most engineering like way. There could be no break from what he considered the norm or he could not achieve orgasm. And I talked with him and from that conversation I concluded that his attachment to his ideas of what was acceptable and appropriate sex were not changeable.
If you only focus on the orgasm you have missed the pleasure of touching and intimacy and the smell and texture of your partner and all the tiny wonderful things that go into lovemaking. If you only focus on yourself then you have left out your partner or if you focus too intently on your partner and their pleasure you have left out yourself. Great sex takes place in the present moment. It doesn’t take place in the future where you are with the exact right person and everything is perfect and your abs are toned. It takes place in the Now.