Attachment and Pleasure 

images (5)When I use the word attachment I am not using it in the context of commitment to a person or relationships or affection and love.  I am using it in the Buddhists sense that our attachment to a perceived outcome detracts from being present and enjoying  what the present moment offers.

Attachment is striving for an outcome or expecting an outcome and focusing on it to the determent of enjoying the present. It is impossible to be present and mindful if you are focused or attached to an outcome. An example is the focus people put on finding the one who will make them happy rather than being the one that is happy.

People often ask me how they can prepare for a session and my response is to be present and bring an open mind and an open heart.  Those are exactly the things we should bring to sex.  The gift of being totally and completely present and being open to the experience is the greatest benefit of Tantra whether you practice alone or with a partner.  Of course I always recommend partner sex, but sometimes suitable partners are in short supply. Plus Tantra is not all about sex, but it is also about emotional balance, living a compassionate life and being present to experience the joy of being alive.  However, I will state I have never had better,  stronger, or more rewarding orgasms than now when I practice Tantra.  And that is not to mention the fact they are full body orgasms.  So enough about my bragging rights.

Attachment is when you expect an outcome and your focus is so intense on the outcome you want that you fail to enjoy the experience and if the outcome is different the experience is ruined.   This can be best explained by an example.  When I moved back to Pocatello from Boise, I left behind my romantic life and had to begin again.  And I knew it would be different and the men would be more conservative.  This proved to be true.  One man I dated could only have sex a certain way.  He didn’t explain it to me, but when I moved to another position he lost his erection and could not continue. Later he explained to me how he had to have sex.  He had to kiss me a couple of times, but no tongue, play with my breasts a little, giver a tiny bit of oral and then have intercourse.  Me moving or making noise or doing anything other than laying there threw him off his game.  I asked him about it and he said that was how sex was supposed to be and he didn’t think he could do it another way.  I gave it a few more tries and then I was done.  He was attached to his ideas of how sex should be.  However he was also attached to how sex needed to be performed and I use preform in the most engineering like way.   There could be no break from what he considered the norm or he could not achieve orgasm. And I talked with him and from that conversation I concluded that his attachment to his ideas of what was acceptable and appropriate sex were not changeable.

If  you only focus on the orgasm you have missed the pleasure of touching and intimacy and the smell and texture of your partner and all the tiny wonderful things that go into lovemaking.  If you only focus on yourself then you have left out your partner or if you focus too intently on your partner and their pleasure you have left out yourself.  Great sex takes place in the present moment.  It doesn’t take place in the future where you are with the exact right person and everything is perfect and  your abs are toned.  It takes place in the Now.

Attachment is never healthy and robs us of the experience of the present. Buddha




Get what you want in bed?

tantraWhen people learn that do Tantra I am often asked about sex. I wonder why? A lot of times men want to know how to get more of what they need in bed.  Maybe more oral, more stimulation, even more kissing, anal, bondage.

I have the answer.  It is really quite simple.   You ask.  You don’t demand, you don’t manipulate, you don’t bargain.  You ask honestly and politely. For example, “I noticed that you like it when I give you oral sex.  I really love you and want us to be intimately connected and honestly I would like oral sex.  What can I do to make it pleasurable for you?   Can I be cleaner?  Can I lay still and just let you pleasure me?

Most women have issue with oral sex for 3 reasons:  1-Manly smell 2-thrusting into the mouth and gagging. 3- fear of ejaculation in the mouth.

These are things women don’t like and will cause them not to want to perform oral sex.  Of course there are women that like both 2 & 3.  However, I know of no one that likes strong smell coming from the undercarriage.  Okay, I do know of a few fetishes, but I am not speaking about those

Oral sex is just an example, it could be anything, toe sucking, foot massage, spanking, anal, being tied up– whatever it is.  The first step to getting what you want or need is to ask.  I can hear a few men, saying I do ask and she says no.  Then how are you asking?  Are you demanding it?  Do you try to get her real excited and then bring it up, because that just generally ruins the mood.  Do you make passive aggressive hints about it? None of those things I mentioned are asking.  Ask with compassion, honesty, and be polite.  You will be surprised at the outcomes.  Tomorrow more helpful hints on getting what you need. I am pretty sure if an old broad like me can get what she wants, you can too.




Sexual Healing 

I was having a discussion with a student about the chakra systems. There are many and some have strayed very far from their original meaning .  They are just a bit different it seems for everyone.  I recently broke my T4 vertebrae in a fall from a high place.  I was told by a yoga teacher I needed to do the heart opening mediatation because the pain was coming from my heart chakra.  I just looked at her and said no it is coming from the trauma surrounding the injury.  I am too down to earth to be that Tantra gal that is trying to heal people with chakras. And for some reason it is always the heart.  It is never the root chakra always the heart.  This system of chakras is connected to Indian classical yoga, Hatha yoga, and Kundalini yoga plus others.

I work with elemental chakras earth, fire, air, water, ether.   This not only suits my earthy nature but they connect us to what makes up our world.  And I hardly ever tell anyone their heart needs healing.  In fact in Tantra I usually work with the fire chakra and use the fire meditation because Tantra teaches us that we can only connect to our heart if the strongest energy in our body is flowing freely and that is our sexual energy.  So Tantra does sexual healing.   And by healing the trauma we store in our fire chakra from rejection, betrayals, past abuse, shame and whatever troubles us that works its way to the core of our body we heal  the entire body.  That is Tantra.  It uses the strongest energy in the body to heal the rest of us.  To transform.  Just like how the elements transform the earth.

ED and Health.

In my job I hear a lot of problems and I also hear a lot of good happy things from people.  And I try to study and learn as much as I can.  I am not overly fond of the term lifetime learner as if that unusual or something to be patted on the back for, it’s not. If you are not learning every day new and correct information, you are then stuck in a rut of bad out dated information. I haven’t been working much or blogging for the simple fact on April 27th, I broke the T4 vertebrae in my back.  Not from thinning bones or an age related issue.  I fell.  I didn’t lose my balance I stepped onto an unsafe surface.  Since then I am been resting.  I also went in and had my vertebrae repaired to give me the best chance of having a healthy  spine. I have been taking extra supplements,  drinking 48 oz. of water a day, and sleeping about 16 hours a day.  My focus has been on getting healthy and strong. I have one thing going for me great genetics.  That is something none of us have control over. However we have control over what and how we eat, our exercise patterns, our overall activity, which has proven to be more important than exercise, our sexuality, and our state of mind.  We also have control over getting medical care and help when we need it and not to ignore signs of problems.

Which brings me to the point of my blog, ED.  Erectile Dysfunction.  I spent two days watching advertisement about differing products for erectile dysfunction.  At some point I did have to start drinking my favorite adult beverage, Crispin Natural Hard Cider.  I will say that I don’t find drinking adult beverages at odds with my Tantra path.  In moderation adult beverages provide crispinneeded anti-oxidants such as in wine and the very important relaxation response.  When you sit down for a glass of wine or beer or even a good cocktail, you body relaxes as it knows the beverage will make it feel good.  That is not a bad thing if you are moderate.  But you have to be moderate.  And if you can’t be moderate you should not drink.

What I learned from the ED commercials is there are a lot of desperate and misinformed people out there willing to buy snake oil and many doctors pushing Viagra or other pills.   Men seem to have limited knowledge of how their bodies work and the aging process. 

You can see from the  chart there is a spike at about 16 to 18 and an leveling off at 19.  Then there is quite a bit of difference in male levels of hormones. But after 30 all men lose about 1% of their testosterone with each year.  And obviously all men don’t have the same level of male hormones in their bodies.  On the flip side all women don’t have the same levels of female hormones.  I have very high estrogen this doesn’t make me more horny or womanly than women that have lower amounts.  Hormone levels have very little to do with behavior,  and male hormones have to be very low not to get an erection.  My son when he was two years old started getting erections from watching kissing on TV.   My observations are backed up with real scientific proof:   ” A 2012 study finds that the waning of testosterone levels in men is more likely a result of behavioral and health changes than by aging. “Declining testosterone levels are not an inevitable part of the aging process, as many people think,” said study co-author Gary Wittert, MD, professor of medicine at the University of Adelaide in Adelaide, Australia.”  Low Testosterone was linked to poor health, obesity, lack of activity, lack of sexual activity, depression.   Age doesn’t translate to significantly lower levels of male hormones in healthy men.  Diabetes, and heart disease are strongly related to ED as are some medications. 

Dr Oz reports:

Here are the typical ranges for men:

  • Age: 20-40 testosterone level: 400-1,080

  • Age: 40-50 testosterone level: 350-890

  • Age: 50-60 testosterone level: 250-750

  • Age: 70 or above testosterone level: 250-650

Below is a chart from that shows normal levels of testosterone throughout the course of their lives.


Male Female
Age: T Level (ng/dL): Age: T Level (ng/dL):
0-5 months 75-400 0-5 months 20-80
6 mos.-9 yrs. <7-20 6 mos.-9 yrs. <7-20
10-11 yrs. <7-130 10-11 yrs. <7-44
12-13 yrs. <7-800 12-16 yrs. <7-75
14 yrs. <7-1,200 17-18 yrs. 20-75
15-16 yrs. 100-1,200 19+ yrs. 8-60
17-18 yrs. 300-1,200
19+ yrs. 240-950
Avg. Adult Male 270-1,070 Avg. Adult Female 15-70
30+ yrs. -1% per year

 We continue to grow  until we are 25 and then we begin the slow process of aging, which most of us do not notice until 29 and then just a bit and then it doesn’t really sink in until about  46, then it is hey my life could be half over.   This is when many men notice for the first time their erections are different. They have been getting different for a while.   I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but you can not expect the same erections you got a sixteen when you are in your late 30’s or 40’s.  It is not so much things have changed, but you haven’t noticed the natural aging process. I don’t have the breasts I did at 16.  I wish I did.  They were like a force for good in the universe.  With time they changed.  The penis changes with time and the things most boys/men learned at 16 don’t work at  37, 38, 42 or 48.  The same fantasy about the high school sweetheart fails to ignite the flames. The thought of sex doesn’t seems as interesting as the sport event on TV, you fear that sex with your girlfriend will make her feel that you are in a relationship so you avoid it.  Even masturbation doesn’t feel as good as it used to and often doesn’t produce strong orgasms    On one ED  commercial it said, “This doesn’t require any exercise or breathing or any weird stuff like that.”  No it requires you to pay 99.00 a month for an unproven, possibly unsafe supplement.  Breathing and Exercise are weird things.  I will get back to that.

The misinformation and just out and out lies the commercial used to sell a product of little to no value is frightening.   It began with the idea that the man’s wife would leave him if he wasn’t able to penetrate her ever night with a good strong erection.  And his wife needed sex every night because it was her way to cope with life’s stresses.  Let’s break this down.   

A-Sex isn’t just a penis going into a vagina and it is certainly not the only way to satisfy a woman or a man.  There is oral sex, manual simulation, toys, other parts of the body that are orgasmic.  Many women have orgasms from nipple play.  If the entire focus of sex is going to be on the man’s penis a great sex life is never going to happen, plus that is a lot of pressure for the man.   Also it made  me wonder if this guy telling his story is so shallow he won’t give his wife an orgasm any other way than his penis.  And the hard stats are only  25% of women orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. I can remember in high school or college that I reached down to stimulate my clitoris and the guy brushed my hand away and wouldn’t let me.   That guy was 22 years old and sort of misogynist. I would think most men aren’t like that.  Most men will do about anything to pleasure the woman and make sure she has an orgasm. Let’s be honest.  A man needs an erection so he can orgasm. There is not a thing wrong with that, nothing.  As a side note:  Older men might have slightly less firm erections, but they have stronger orgasms.   They are longer and they are stronger.  No one talks about that. Sexual activity for older men is often more enjoyable, relaxed, with the pay off of stronger full body orgasms. Of course that does mean you have to get an erection.  However, erections and orgasms from Viagra are terrible and that drug can damage your penis by pushing too much blood through the tiny valves of the many tiny capillaries that go to the penis.  It is a no win situation.

Green man

You might ask why the picture of the leafy man?  That is the Green Man from Celtic Nature Religions  He represents rebirth and growth.   Something we often do not connect with masculinity. One ritual for many tribes was around Beltane or the spring Equinox the leader of the tribe was expected to have sex in full view of the tribe with a virgin.  Many think it was the sacrifice of the woman’s virginity that was the scared part of the ritual. However, it wasn’t the taking of the girl’s virginity.  What the point was that the leader could perform sexually and that he was sound in his body and mind. It was understood that healthy men could get erections.   An erection signified good health and that was important in a leader.

Erections are a sign of good health.  If you are not having good erections have your health checked first.  It is often a sign of diabetes, or prostate problems or heart disease.  Then the second thing is emotional issues, too much drinking, and lack of a willing and well-matched partner and depression. ED will be common in sexless marriages, or marriages where the woman is very rejecting because that does happen. I lost my ability to have orgasms the last several years of my marriage and for about a year afterward.  Rubbing it harder, and looking at porn and flirting with relationships didn’t make it better.  What made it better was getting out of a dead marriage and learning about Tantra.  Guess what? learning to breath differently and to do exercises did work and has continued to work for me.  Making sure you are healthy with enough blood and oxygen going to your sex organs is important to maintaining erections  and good sexual functioning.  You might even say it is key.  Good health, exercise, intimacy (emotionally)  good mental health and productivity will keep up your male hormones.  Correct breathing and exercise for the lingam area will also protect ED.  The other cure will be discussed tomorrow, night




Our Bodies, Our Sex, Our Lives

One aspect of our lives that continues to surprise me is the lack of knowledge we have about our own bodies and the bodies of our partners. 4_ Lingam MassageWhat I believe is that many suffer from body shame and shame of sex and desire and pleasure.  As we age whether we are in a relationship or not we can grow isolated and withdraw into our own body, and not seek out the comfort of touch and pleasure.  When this happens we become disconnected from our bodies.  Men stop getting erections, and have difficulty achieving orgasms or have weak orgasms or lack desire to find a partner or to be with their partner.  Women seek outside distractions, lose interest in sex and have a difficulty achieving orgasms.  Both men and women might think when having sex, “lets just get it over”  For no matter what, our bodies do cry out for connection and release.  In youth we don’t manifest a lot of sex problems as our biology overrides everything else including shame. So we enter into marriages or partnership with our eyes blinded by love, lust, dreams, hope or a happy life.

Then this original shame comes back after biology fails us and our lust and passion goes.  Osho, the celebrated Tantra teacher, tells us that when we are small we breathe deep, deep into our very centers.  And so we are centered and we are happy in a way that is a miracle.  Then as we grow we become aware there are rules and people to tell us no, stop that or smack us or worse abuse us or ignore us. As a child we are breathing deep into our centers and feeling our happiness and suddenly someone yells at us.  Our breath stops suddenly and fear fills our body.  We exhale.  Then the next breath comes in again it doesn’t go to our center.  It stops higher up.  Until the time when are breath is shallow in our chest and doesn’t enliven our body, but just keeps it functioning at a minimal level. This slowly creeps up on us and hit us in midlife hence the midlife crisis. Then we seek out answers or we wallow in depression and misery and try to further deaden feelings.

However, not every one is like this.  Some people are genuinely happy. Those people follow the principles of Tantra without even knowing them.  They breathe deeply, they love totally, they follow a spiritual path that adds meaning to their life and they question life and can stand the dual nature of life while looking for unity.  And they embrace intimacy.  I believe in happy people, and I believe people can learn to be happy.  I believe people can reclaim their birthright of happiness.

The way to do that is to let go of shame, claim the pleasures of our body, breathe deeply and well and find the joy of sex and live a life that has meaning.  And to do this we must know our bodies and the bodies of our partner and approach them with compassion.  Tantra isn’t about being immoral or giving up values it is about being present in every breath.




Osho on Love

Osho3 Sometimes that love comes as love of self and love of life. Life sometimes doesn’t bring us romantic love we can maintain.  That doesn’t mean there isn’t love in your life.  I have more love in my life as a single person than I ever did married. There is nothing more lonely than living with a person you don’t love and who doesn’t truly love you.  

Questions and Totality

My frame of mind is not good.  I relasped and went on a date. I was not too bad until the 4th mojtio then I could not pretend any longer.  I had to be me.

The truth is when I am working with people,  I am my best me.   When working with people one on one or in a large groups where I am talking or when I have sex, I am in my zone.  That is not really the point of this post. Michael Parkes - Petrouchkas dreamI am not my best me when I feel judged or someone is angry at me or if I feel I am not respected for the person I am.  In these situations I don’t think anyone is their best me. I don’t.  None of us like to be judged, no one likes anger pointed at them and no one likes feeling that their opinions and feelings are not respected.  None of us like to feel invisible or not truly seen.  As humans we have a natural desire to be known, to be understood.  This comes out when we are adolescents as being different than our parents and calling attention to ourselves by the way we dress and talk and do our hair, however we still want the acceptance of our peers so we look like them and not our parents.

That is a driving force of most people is the need to be understood especially at our most intimate times.  There are men and women that go through their entire lives not expressing their true selves.  This is painful and these people have such a deep seated dissatisfaction with life that the main feeling others pick up from them is anger or discomfort.  Many of  these people are like my brother who firmly believes there is a place in the future where he will be happy and healthy and having a great relationship with his wife, or my ex high school boyfriend who thinks we will be together when we are 70 and having great sex.  I believe I will be having great sex at 70, however I believe my ex high school boyfriend will be dead from his bad heart and total lack of self care.  And the difference is Tantra and totality.   I am totally in or I am totally out. There is no religion no philosophy that recommends half heartedness.  Back to my ex high school boyfriend.  He has been married 40 years to a woman he didn’t whole heartedly love, who didn’t give him the sex or affection he carved.  Is that her fault?  No it is not.  He never voiced his needs in a way she could hear. That putting off, that looking to the future to be happy that is not going to happen.  If you are not happy in the present moment you aren’t happy anywhere.

So my date just looks past me, because I am 59.  He is the same age, but wants someone young and pretty and less complex than me. So he begins our date with a 30 minute dissertation on his health issues.  And ends it with the comment he needs 2 Viagra to get an erection.  He has a pacemaker and that is asking for a heart attack.  Because I walk through life in a sort of blessed state anymore, which even my most hardened friends recognize, my best and hottest bartender was working and he kept the mojitos rolling plus he made me laugh until I said enough I am going home.  And I did. Then things went sideways and I slipped into old habits that I am not going to discuss.  The point is we are happiest being exactly who we are without pretense and without barriers.  The other point is we are happiest in the present. The future is an unknown for anyone no matter how much you save no matter how much you plan.

As far as questions.  The main thing I am asked is if I am involved. I am not even sure what the hell that even means.  However, I can say I am sexual.  I do things that make me happy.  I am good.  And that is all I want to reveal. Michael_Parkes_05

Fear based living and pleasure

Michael_Parkes_Thesday_ChidOne the emotional issues I am faced with often if not daily is fear.  Not my fear as I have a pretty good handle on that.   But fears from clients that contact me. They have a fear I will reject them or it won’t be a  useful experience or that it might be illegal and other easy things to discuss.  However, I have had conversations with several as in more than 2 but less than a dozen that are distressed at the pleasure aspect of Tantra.  A core belief of Tantra is that pleasure heals our body.   That through the experience of pleasure with ourselves or with others we have the ability to access the deepest channel of energy in our body and that free flow of energy during an orgasm opens our central channel, or spine if you can’t accept that term, and clears emotional and trauma induced blockages in our body allowing us to heal both physically and emotionally.   However, some people I have had conversations with are afraid they will lose control that somehow what I am doing is sketchy or on the level of a prostitute or working in a Asian Massage parlor.  That is not what I do.  I teach Tantra.  I teach people to experience more and deeper levels of pleasure for  the direct propose of healing. Also the goal of Tantra is not to lose control.   The exact opposite is true, Tantra gives you greater control over your sexual energy and allows that creativity to be used in other endeavors.   One of my good friends said she has noticed a big difference in my attitude since I had begun mediation.  I hate to admit that while I do mediate it is mostly for the purpose of self-pleasuring and what change has come about is that I experience more pleasure through orgasms, but it is with the intent of gaining healing and self knowledge not to relieve stress, not to prove love, not to make another happy, but to experience the deepest and fullest pleasure I can.  I have always had great orgasms, but a lot of time I used them like booze to relieve stress.  I never drank or used drugs in high school because I couldn’t understand how that was going to make me feel better than sex did.  I had good orgasms them, but they are nothing compared to what I experience now.   They are healing.  My teacher wanted to rate everything.  Is it a 8 or a 9. I don’t rate experiences for the simple reason that moment is gone and how can I compare it to anything else and by comparing it how can I experience  the present moment?  All I can say is that my orgasms have changed the quality of my life.  My life is better.  I am happier.  I am healthier from experiencing more pleasure.

It hurts me to deal with people that have such a resistance toward pleasure and healing.  It is not something that I can break through, because that has to come from the other person and being afraid of pleasure and lose of control is firmly rooted in our society.  lion

New Year Resolutions, and the Best Tantric Sex—Ever

aamassage I am glad the craze for New Years Resolutions is basically over.  There are still a few people hanging on trying to change their lives by beginning an exercise program or meditation or drop some weight or build a better relationship or do better at work.  You can name a bunch of stuff.  However, what I have observed over the years is that people don’t change very much.  My sister-in-law has been losing and gaining back the same 75 lbs. for the last twenty years.

Does that mean I don’t believe in change, no.  I do.  I think change comes with daily habits.  You get up you exercise, you drink water, you drink more water, and you eat whole foods that aren’t refined.  Making a few small changes makes all the difference in the world over time.  If you want to have better sex, you learn new techniques.  You practice.  You make sex and intimacy a priority in your life because it builds healthy strong relationships, and protects relationships from damage, plus it promotes better emotional health and physical health.  One of the things I focus a lot on is breathing or pranayama.  Breathing correctly is not something a lot of people do.  They take short shallow breaths that signal to the body that it is a flight or fight response.  This increases stress in the body and muscle tension.

One of the first things in Tantra that is learned is how to breathe. And how to breathe to increase the pleasure and intensity of orgasms. It is not a difficult technique.  Their are also several Kundalini poses that strengthen the sexual organs and develop strength in that area along with pranayama. Tantra is not a complicated practice reserved for a few.  It is a few easy changes in how you view sex and how you experience pleasure and learning how to breath differently.

One simple way Tantric way to increase the intensity and feeling of an orgasm and make it a more expansive experience is to take long deep breaths, to consciously take long deep breaths during foreplay.  Rather than pant take a long deep breath in to the count of 4 or more hold  and let it out slowly.  when taking a breath in imagine the air flowing into your body filling your pelvic region with desire and pleasure. Let your mind be still and experience the feel of your lovers skin, and breath and touch.  Experience as much pleasure as you want to give.  Pleasure is limitless or limited by our own thoughts.

A small change in breathing patterns during sex, learning to still the mind and accept pleasure in all the forms that please you will expand your sex life and make for a blissful New Year.


How to awaken to a higher level of Sexual connection through Tantra mindfulness

One of the things I hear most from my clients is that I have an amazing touch.  I appreciate that comment very much. And I always say thank you and express my gratitude.   Even though I have heard it a lot since I was rather young, it still means a great deal to me personally and professionally.  It is a wonderful compliment, but it got me thinking what is so amazing about my touch.  I have very average hands, very.  Also they are not very strong.  So it has nothing to do with any physical attributes I have or ever had.a hug

My touch is connected to something else and that is the desire to heal or bring pleasure and by pleasure I do not mean orgasm, but the pleasure of being touched in a mindful and present way.  To touch in a way that is accepting and meditative.   Mindfulness in the simplest of terms is to be aware of your intention, to be clear of intruding ideas or thoughts, to suspend judgment, and to be totally and completely present. A mindful touch is full of compassion and love, not romantic love( but that certainly can be part of it)  but love as a way of life.   As soon as I touch someone in my work I try to connect with their energy.  That might take a bit, so I do not rush that process or try to push forward. I have been working at this for about a year and practicing Tantra for about 10 years. In that year of working I have had 1 person I was not able to connect with and the reason was he had expectations of the session that were not going to happen.   I do not bring expectations.  I do not have an agenda.  I am not trying to heal myself by helping others.  And you might ask how does that relate to my sex life?

Frist, it is important to touch the other person with respect, compassion and love.  This does not mean you can’t get dirty, or naughty in fact just the opposite as it is easier to let go with someone you trust, and have respect for and can extend compassion and love.  There is a real fear of sex in this world, when it is the most creative and pleasurable things you can do.  Sex is not dirty, it is not wrong, it is a sacred act of creation.  Secondly think of sex as a positive life giving act that is a precious form of communication.

Third fall deeply into your body and enjoy yourself.    To do that you have to be present.  For example and please excuse me for using myself.  I was massaging a clients hands and looking at his fingers and he asked, “What are you thinking?”  I said, “Nothing, I am mindful of your hand, but I am not thinking about anything.”  The nice thing about becoming mindful is the realization you do not need to be using your brain every moment. It can rest.  And when you need it to do something that includes thinking use it then.  During sex there doesn’t need to be thinking,  There needs to be peace and presence and relaxation and love.  I am not talking love forever and ever, but love and a feeling of connection and compassion for your partner that is transmitted in a mindful touch.   And honest Tantra communication.  Ask with love what you can do to bring more pleasure to your partner and tell them with honesty and love what they can do to give you more pleasure.  Good sex, fulfilling sex is just as much as about receiving as giving.


I date a lot well, I used to date a lot.  In variably, at some point the guy, the man, the datee, would ask what I like most about sex.  My response would always be I don’t understand the question.  Sex is different every time or should be and what was wonderful one night might not be fun Monday afternoon.   And what you loved about one person might not work with another.  However, once that hurtle of judgment and expectations is overcome, sex becomes a more organic and fulfilling experience.    When you add mindfulness the touch shared is amazing.  massage9