Sex is good for you.

imagesJMHGUYPZI do not like to generalize.  I also do not like to lump people into categories.  It is not fair.  Each of us looks at life through our own prism of experience, beliefs, education, spiritual growth, mental wellness or illness. The world is experienced differently by each of us. It is not that people are so varied it is that the prism we gaze at the world through is so varied and casts so many different colors onto the world.  It is true some people look at the world through rose colored glasses and see the good.  Others see everything cast in shadow and so they find darkness. The same goes for sex.  If we look at sex as a bright fiery pleasure we get pleasure from it.  If  we view sex as dirty or nasty  or naughty  or only as a means to express love in certain circumstances or worse a duty, sex becomes tainted and dark.

Open honest sex is good.  It is the best thing we can do for our bodies.  And yes with time our bodies change, however;  sex and desire isn’t just for the young. Sex is our life force.  Our life force isn’t some nebulous thing floating around the heavens, it resides in our bodies, our loins, our sex.  When we are open and awakened that force flows more freely through our body giving us greater health and more joy.  Sex floods our bodies with life enriching hormones that keeps us younger, happier and healthier. Sex is the best thing you can do for yourself.  It is not just some momentary pleasure or a blink of an orgasm, it is rejuvenating and those orgasms should be full body orgasms.    Do not settle for less.  As  society we spend 40 hours a week at work and many spend 10 or more hours working out and then spend 10 minutes having sex Saturday night or sex3Sunday morning.  One of the most pleasurable and creative things we do as humans is too time consuming, or my personal favorite, I just want to get done.  Why would you want to feel less pleasure?  Feeling more pleasure protects you from depression, illness and many other issues. Sex is good for you.  It connects you more deeply with yourself and more deeply with your partner.  Even if it is just a sex partner.  Isn’t better to have a fun relaxing time and laugh and have multiple orgasms than not?

I find sex the best thing I do.  It makes me feel the best and happiest and truly at one with myself.  I just love it I always have and it is good for you emotionally and physically.



An Orgasm is Grace and Enlightenment


When I begin a session I place my hand on the base of the spine where the Kundalini energy resides, usually dormant. And I say that during an orgasm the energy brushes against the Kundalini energy and gives us a brief glimpse of enlightenment or grace depending on your beliefs.

The teaching of the sexual tantras all come down to one point. Although desire, of whatever shape or form, seeks completion, there is another kind of union than the one we imagine. In this union, achieved when the egocentric model of dualistic thinking is no longer dominant, we are not united with it, nor am I united with you, but we all just are. The movement from object to subject, as described in both Eastern meditation and modern psychotherapy, is training for this union, but its perception usually comes as a surprise, even when images7JVIGRL8this shift is well under way. It is a kind of grace. The emphasis on sexual relations in the tantric teachings make it clear that the ecstatic surprise of orgasm is the best approximation of this grace.”
Mark Epstein, Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life – Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy

Full Body Orgasm.

1coupleWhen I try to tell people about the ability to have full body orgasms all the time not just on occasion, I get odd looks.  One person asked me, if his whole body would feel like his lingam did when he had an orgasm.  He might have used other words, same meaning.  I said yes, that orgasmic energy raises up through your entire body yet it does so while the body is completely relaxed and the only focus is on the pleasure of the moment.  And yes it does feel as if you have fused with your partner and the universe.  I usually write my own stuff because I like to, but I found this awesome article and so am going to link to it.  And sometimes I like to have my own thoughts  and experiences verified by others.


ED and Health.

In my job I hear a lot of problems and I also hear a lot of good happy things from people.  And I try to study and learn as much as I can.  I am not overly fond of the term lifetime learner as if that unusual or something to be patted on the back for, it’s not. If you are not learning every day new and correct information, you are then stuck in a rut of bad out dated information. I haven’t been working much or blogging for the simple fact on April 27th, I broke the T4 vertebrae in my back.  Not from thinning bones or an age related issue.  I fell.  I didn’t lose my balance I stepped onto an unsafe surface.  Since then I am been resting.  I also went in and had my vertebrae repaired to give me the best chance of having a healthy  spine. I have been taking extra supplements,  drinking 48 oz. of water a day, and sleeping about 16 hours a day.  My focus has been on getting healthy and strong. I have one thing going for me great genetics.  That is something none of us have control over. However we have control over what and how we eat, our exercise patterns, our overall activity, which has proven to be more important than exercise, our sexuality, and our state of mind.  We also have control over getting medical care and help when we need it and not to ignore signs of problems.

Which brings me to the point of my blog, ED.  Erectile Dysfunction.  I spent two days watching advertisement about differing products for erectile dysfunction.  At some point I did have to start drinking my favorite adult beverage, Crispin Natural Hard Cider.  I will say that I don’t find drinking adult beverages at odds with my Tantra path.  In moderation adult beverages provide crispinneeded anti-oxidants such as in wine and the very important relaxation response.  When you sit down for a glass of wine or beer or even a good cocktail, you body relaxes as it knows the beverage will make it feel good.  That is not a bad thing if you are moderate.  But you have to be moderate.  And if you can’t be moderate you should not drink.

What I learned from the ED commercials is there are a lot of desperate and misinformed people out there willing to buy snake oil and many doctors pushing Viagra or other pills.   Men seem to have limited knowledge of how their bodies work and the aging process. 

You can see from the  chart there is a spike at about 16 to 18 and an leveling off at 19.  Then there is quite a bit of difference in male levels of hormones. But after 30 all men lose about 1% of their testosterone with each year.  And obviously all men don’t have the same level of male hormones in their bodies.  On the flip side all women don’t have the same levels of female hormones.  I have very high estrogen this doesn’t make me more horny or womanly than women that have lower amounts.  Hormone levels have very little to do with behavior,  and male hormones have to be very low not to get an erection.  My son when he was two years old started getting erections from watching kissing on TV.   My observations are backed up with real scientific proof:   ” A 2012 study finds that the waning of testosterone levels in men is more likely a result of behavioral and health changes than by aging. “Declining testosterone levels are not an inevitable part of the aging process, as many people think,” said study co-author Gary Wittert, MD, professor of medicine at the University of Adelaide in Adelaide, Australia.”  Low Testosterone was linked to poor health, obesity, lack of activity, lack of sexual activity, depression.   Age doesn’t translate to significantly lower levels of male hormones in healthy men.  Diabetes, and heart disease are strongly related to ED as are some medications. 

Dr Oz reports:

Here are the typical ranges for men:

  • Age: 20-40 testosterone level: 400-1,080

  • Age: 40-50 testosterone level: 350-890

  • Age: 50-60 testosterone level: 250-750

  • Age: 70 or above testosterone level: 250-650

Below is a chart from that shows normal levels of testosterone throughout the course of their lives.


Male Female
Age: T Level (ng/dL): Age: T Level (ng/dL):
0-5 months 75-400 0-5 months 20-80
6 mos.-9 yrs. <7-20 6 mos.-9 yrs. <7-20
10-11 yrs. <7-130 10-11 yrs. <7-44
12-13 yrs. <7-800 12-16 yrs. <7-75
14 yrs. <7-1,200 17-18 yrs. 20-75
15-16 yrs. 100-1,200 19+ yrs. 8-60
17-18 yrs. 300-1,200
19+ yrs. 240-950
Avg. Adult Male 270-1,070 Avg. Adult Female 15-70
30+ yrs. -1% per year

 We continue to grow  until we are 25 and then we begin the slow process of aging, which most of us do not notice until 29 and then just a bit and then it doesn’t really sink in until about  46, then it is hey my life could be half over.   This is when many men notice for the first time their erections are different. They have been getting different for a while.   I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but you can not expect the same erections you got a sixteen when you are in your late 30’s or 40’s.  It is not so much things have changed, but you haven’t noticed the natural aging process. I don’t have the breasts I did at 16.  I wish I did.  They were like a force for good in the universe.  With time they changed.  The penis changes with time and the things most boys/men learned at 16 don’t work at  37, 38, 42 or 48.  The same fantasy about the high school sweetheart fails to ignite the flames. The thought of sex doesn’t seems as interesting as the sport event on TV, you fear that sex with your girlfriend will make her feel that you are in a relationship so you avoid it.  Even masturbation doesn’t feel as good as it used to and often doesn’t produce strong orgasms    On one ED  commercial it said, “This doesn’t require any exercise or breathing or any weird stuff like that.”  No it requires you to pay 99.00 a month for an unproven, possibly unsafe supplement.  Breathing and Exercise are weird things.  I will get back to that.

The misinformation and just out and out lies the commercial used to sell a product of little to no value is frightening.   It began with the idea that the man’s wife would leave him if he wasn’t able to penetrate her ever night with a good strong erection.  And his wife needed sex every night because it was her way to cope with life’s stresses.  Let’s break this down.   

A-Sex isn’t just a penis going into a vagina and it is certainly not the only way to satisfy a woman or a man.  There is oral sex, manual simulation, toys, other parts of the body that are orgasmic.  Many women have orgasms from nipple play.  If the entire focus of sex is going to be on the man’s penis a great sex life is never going to happen, plus that is a lot of pressure for the man.   Also it made  me wonder if this guy telling his story is so shallow he won’t give his wife an orgasm any other way than his penis.  And the hard stats are only  25% of women orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. I can remember in high school or college that I reached down to stimulate my clitoris and the guy brushed my hand away and wouldn’t let me.   That guy was 22 years old and sort of misogynist. I would think most men aren’t like that.  Most men will do about anything to pleasure the woman and make sure she has an orgasm. Let’s be honest.  A man needs an erection so he can orgasm. There is not a thing wrong with that, nothing.  As a side note:  Older men might have slightly less firm erections, but they have stronger orgasms.   They are longer and they are stronger.  No one talks about that. Sexual activity for older men is often more enjoyable, relaxed, with the pay off of stronger full body orgasms. Of course that does mean you have to get an erection.  However, erections and orgasms from Viagra are terrible and that drug can damage your penis by pushing too much blood through the tiny valves of the many tiny capillaries that go to the penis.  It is a no win situation.

Green man

You might ask why the picture of the leafy man?  That is the Green Man from Celtic Nature Religions  He represents rebirth and growth.   Something we often do not connect with masculinity. One ritual for many tribes was around Beltane or the spring Equinox the leader of the tribe was expected to have sex in full view of the tribe with a virgin.  Many think it was the sacrifice of the woman’s virginity that was the scared part of the ritual. However, it wasn’t the taking of the girl’s virginity.  What the point was that the leader could perform sexually and that he was sound in his body and mind. It was understood that healthy men could get erections.   An erection signified good health and that was important in a leader.

Erections are a sign of good health.  If you are not having good erections have your health checked first.  It is often a sign of diabetes, or prostate problems or heart disease.  Then the second thing is emotional issues, too much drinking, and lack of a willing and well-matched partner and depression. ED will be common in sexless marriages, or marriages where the woman is very rejecting because that does happen. I lost my ability to have orgasms the last several years of my marriage and for about a year afterward.  Rubbing it harder, and looking at porn and flirting with relationships didn’t make it better.  What made it better was getting out of a dead marriage and learning about Tantra.  Guess what? learning to breath differently and to do exercises did work and has continued to work for me.  Making sure you are healthy with enough blood and oxygen going to your sex organs is important to maintaining erections  and good sexual functioning.  You might even say it is key.  Good health, exercise, intimacy (emotionally)  good mental health and productivity will keep up your male hormones.  Correct breathing and exercise for the lingam area will also protect ED.  The other cure will be discussed tomorrow, night




Our Bodies, Our Sex, Our Lives

One aspect of our lives that continues to surprise me is the lack of knowledge we have about our own bodies and the bodies of our partners. 4_ Lingam MassageWhat I believe is that many suffer from body shame and shame of sex and desire and pleasure.  As we age whether we are in a relationship or not we can grow isolated and withdraw into our own body, and not seek out the comfort of touch and pleasure.  When this happens we become disconnected from our bodies.  Men stop getting erections, and have difficulty achieving orgasms or have weak orgasms or lack desire to find a partner or to be with their partner.  Women seek outside distractions, lose interest in sex and have a difficulty achieving orgasms.  Both men and women might think when having sex, “lets just get it over”  For no matter what, our bodies do cry out for connection and release.  In youth we don’t manifest a lot of sex problems as our biology overrides everything else including shame. So we enter into marriages or partnership with our eyes blinded by love, lust, dreams, hope or a happy life.

Then this original shame comes back after biology fails us and our lust and passion goes.  Osho, the celebrated Tantra teacher, tells us that when we are small we breathe deep, deep into our very centers.  And so we are centered and we are happy in a way that is a miracle.  Then as we grow we become aware there are rules and people to tell us no, stop that or smack us or worse abuse us or ignore us. As a child we are breathing deep into our centers and feeling our happiness and suddenly someone yells at us.  Our breath stops suddenly and fear fills our body.  We exhale.  Then the next breath comes in again it doesn’t go to our center.  It stops higher up.  Until the time when are breath is shallow in our chest and doesn’t enliven our body, but just keeps it functioning at a minimal level. This slowly creeps up on us and hit us in midlife hence the midlife crisis. Then we seek out answers or we wallow in depression and misery and try to further deaden feelings.

However, not every one is like this.  Some people are genuinely happy. Those people follow the principles of Tantra without even knowing them.  They breathe deeply, they love totally, they follow a spiritual path that adds meaning to their life and they question life and can stand the dual nature of life while looking for unity.  And they embrace intimacy.  I believe in happy people, and I believe people can learn to be happy.  I believe people can reclaim their birthright of happiness.

The way to do that is to let go of shame, claim the pleasures of our body, breathe deeply and well and find the joy of sex and live a life that has meaning.  And to do this we must know our bodies and the bodies of our partner and approach them with compassion.  Tantra isn’t about being immoral or giving up values it is about being present in every breath.




Tantra is important.

sex4 One Reason sex begins to feel the same and sort of tired and worn out

is that most of us fall into patterns or habits.  Even in masturbation we tend to touch ourselves in the same way at the same rhythm to the same

images and fantasies.  At some point our bodies fail to react with excitement and pleasure.  So we try a faster pace or a harder touch and it takes longer

to get less and less pleasure.  I have been there.  Where I could only orgasm on my back moving my hand a certain way on my clitoris and thinking certain thoughts. and there could be no disruption to my routine or I  could not achieve an orgasm.   And those destructive habits became a part of my married sex also.  One of the blessings of divorce was that I had to move beyond that. I experimented with toys, different ways to touch, with men, and finally came to Tantra as important to sex.

One reason Tantra is important is that you learn to touch in a different way.  Your touch is filled with intention. The intention is to give pleasure and to receive pleasure.  Also breath is incorporated in the touch to make sure the body is feed with energy to feel the greatest  amount of desire and pleasure. And at higher levels of Tantra visualization and mediations and sounds are added to increase the feeling of expansion and pleasure. Or as I recently explained to a client,” more better”….  I got excited.  It is something I love to talk about and believe in.  Tantra is important as a way to love and to have sex.  It not only teaches acceptance of our own bodies, but to extend that acceptance to others.

However, I think most importantly it teaches how to touch in a way that isn’t judgmental, isn’t demanding, or harsh but kind and encouraging.  I am not saying that rough sex isn’t fun and exciting.  It is.  But even in rough sex if the intention is to please there is a different texture to the touch.  Also Tantra gives confidence to sex and how to touch to give the most pleasure and how to breathe to experience the most pleasure.  One of the benefits I have received through Tantra and why I believe it is important is the quality of my orgasms when I am with myself or a partner. The biggest gift Tantra gives is the expansion of pleasure and the best gift we can give a partner is our own pleasure. It makes you feel happy and intimate  to bring someone pleasure and to watch that experience of ecstasy unfold on your partners face.  It is why many people, men and women, enjoy giving oral pleasure.  You get to watch the change of expression from happy to intense pleasure to a relaxed state of bliss.  That is what sex, intimacy and Tantra is all about.  And that is why I love it. untitled (24)


But this way feels natural

I actually sort of love hearing that.  I usually hear it when I am helping with conscious deep breathing.  Most people go well I just breathe.  And you likely breathe the wrong way.  With short shallow breaths that produce tension and pain in your upper back and between your shoulder blades.  That is not neck pain or back pain that is tension, pure and simple tension.  That is actually increased by short shallow breaths. btantra I used to have it every day.  Every single day and I just expected it.  From age 21 to about 44.  It was a pain I lived with daily.  When I began writing, it of course worsened. One reason was stress and the other was the fact I sat and typed for long periods of time and our bodies are not designed to sit.  Then in my mid forties I began to do yoga and I struggled with what Rodney Yee described as conscious breathing. I still struggle with my breath exercises. Because I am not doing what I feel is natural, which really mean easiest.  Learning to control the breath is one of the most difficult parts of my practice. It is hard.  It doesn’t feel natural.  I still struggle with it.  However, I do understand the value of learning how to breathe.  And to be honest once I began using conscious breathing, my neck pain stopped and I haven’t had it for 15 years.  On top of that I had broken my neck at 20 and the doctors assured me I would have arthritis in my neck, which I have not had.

Now I am going to get sexual.  When most people achieve orgasm they tend to hold their breath and tighten up the muscles in their legs and buttocks often leading to the cramp in the ball of the feet.  We have all been there and it feels natural.

However, when the breath is cut off and the flow energy is stop by the clenching of muscles the orgasms is actually confined and shortened. By using deep breathing methods and the ocean breath to relax the body the orgasm has a chance to expand and flow outward. I would compare it to waves of pleasure sweeping through the body.  And no it doesn’t feel natural at first, but with practice it is like tide bringing in ever increasing pleasure.    


The Easiest Way to Improve Sex–Be Present.

If you ever have had a random thought go through your head while making love or having sex, however it is defined, you aren’t fully in your body, but in your head and not present. I was almost the most shallow person on the planet as a young women.  I can remember running my hands over a mans’ back and feeling a bump and I was horrified and then my mind just went into a tailspin of “Did I just touch a pimple, a mole, a scar, what the hell was that? And I think the thought process of sex is different in women than men.  Women think during sex, and it is mostly not sexy thoughts.  It is “get this over so I can put some laundry in, or I need to take out some hamburger from the freezer or I wonder if he is looking at how small my boobs are, or how big my boobs are, or how my left boob is bigger than my right boob, or the mole on my boob, or the lone hair on my nipple, or the third nipple I have on my right side and if he sees the third nipple will he think I am a witch?  800px-narcissus-caravaggio_1594-96

The picture is of Narcissus, who became so caught up in his own image he fell in love with himself and couldn’t leave the pond. He ultimately died and was turned into the flower of the same name.  That is how we are when we get caught up in our own thoughts and become less aware of what is happening in the present moment. The chances pleasure and joy are of actually lessened when we are trapped by our own thoughts.

That is how women’s minds work, they aren’t usually judging the man they are just allowing random thoughts to cruise around their heads. What that means is they aren’t in their bodies, the pleasure is secondary, the sex is happening to them not with them.  I actually have always admired how men can just go after it as if the lingam blocks their thoughts.  However, since I do get the opportunity to speak with men about their sex lives I have found they also have intrusive thoughts and quite a few men have difficulty achieving orgasm. Or if the man is asking for something constantly during sex it is a good indication that he is not completely enjoying what is happening in the present moment.

The quickest the easiest way to improve sex it is be present.  Enjoy the feeling in the moment let the pleasure build and breathe and relax.  Trust yourself to enjoy the pleasure of giving and receiving touch.  I like to refer to it as sinking deep into the body.  It is the time when you forget about the outside world, the bills, the mole or pimple or scar or whatever and enjoy how the body feels and tastes and looks and just enjoy it.  Some will say easier said than done, but that is the complexity of being present in any activity.  If you are washing a glass just wash the glass and be mindful of the glass washing.  The same is true for sex.  When you are having sex or making love, just have sex and be mindful of the sex and communicate with understanding and compassion and love.   Easiest improvement to make.



I get it! Breathe in Breathe out.

I received that email from someone.  That is all it said.  I suppose they were being funny or I don’t know.  I hazard to guess what people think anymore or their motivations.  However, I do know one thing.  In general people do not get it.  They do not breathe in or out correctly.  Most people take short shallow breaths that use the upper body to pump air into them.  Because with every breath you take you pull the tension into the upper back.  Another aspect of breath is that our body is nourished by the amount of oxygen that is getting to each cell.  When we are in a constant state of taking short shallow breaths the energy flow of the body is less.  Many people take short shallow breaths that builds up tension in the upper back and neck. Over time that tension becomes chronic and even with a good massage it doesn’t go away for very long. images (6)

Deep relaxation breath is one way to relieve upper back and neck tension.  By using the diaphragm for what it was made for breathing instead of taking short shallow breaths through the mouth, the body relaxes into a state of balance that is free of tension and stress.  During my sessions I use the this deep breathing to bring relaxation to the entire back and body.  So there is a lot of breathe in, breath out.  And the goal is to completely fill the lungs with new air and to exhale all the used air so there is a free current of energy in the body.

Another aspect of the breath is that often at the point of orgasm people, men and women, tighten up and hold their breath.  This does not make for a more powerful orgasm.  I have heard everything from it is natural you have to do it that way to just the regular it feels right to do it that way. A lot of things feel right that aren’t.  By holding on to the breath you are actually cutting off the flow of energy.  By tightening up your muscles the energy is being diverted from the orgasm.  When you breath into the orgasm and relax the body, the orgasm has room to expand and to involve the entire body not just one organ. The power of just deep relaxation breath is immense, but in combination with other breathing techniques the body can be recharged and re-energized to where tension does not build up in the muscles and the free flow of energy during orgasms becomes a full body orgasm rather than just a small burst of energy located primarily in the sex organs.  It is about breathing in and breathing out but doing it with purpose and intention to flood the body with air and energy


Men and Guilt and ED


One of the most baffling things to me is the experience of guilt.  If something is going to make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t do it.  On the other hand if you are going to do it, don’t feel guilty about it because guilt will not make anything  better.   In fact, I believe a lot of men like to feel guilty as proof they are a good person.  Man: “I feel bad so I must be a good boyfriend or husband or worker or father or son or whatever.” Feeling bad  about doing something that goes against your moral boundaries doesn’t make you a good person.  Feeling bad about your behaviors only builds up a lot of stress in the body, closes or blocks channels of energy, and when you get to be 60 or so or even 50 makes you more predisposed to ED if you are a man.  We will talk about women tomorrow as that is more related to pent up resentment.

However, back to guilt.  All those bad feeling collect.  The guilt, the self loathing, the bitterness collect in the root chakra or fire chakra and form a block of energy and the sexual energy is trapped and it manifests as ED.  The desire is there, the lust is there, but the ability to connect with the fire energy of the lingam has been blocked.  The lingam is not a separate part of the body.  It does not think for itself.  It is  intimately connected with the heart and the mind.   One reason men in particular have such vivid recollections of their teenage years and the girls or women, boys or men, that roused them to erections is that the channel between the fire chakra and air charka of the heart and the water chakra of the mind is open and the energy flows effortlessly.  And that person or image connects with the imagination and inspires feelings of lust or love or admiration. It is the fact all the senses are engaged and the flow of energy to the lingman and back up the central channel is free and open.

Certainly for some this is not true.  People that have come from a very strict religious backgrounds where self pleasuring or natural sexual expression is seen as bad and sinful can develop an early block; often not ever seeking out basic knowledge about sex and their own bodies or experimenting in relationships or in marriage. Then in the mid years it becomes apparent something elusive is missing, the experience of sex is not meaningful or loses its shine.  And erections and even orgasms are more difficult to achieve and when they are there is a muffled quality to them.  Then a man or a woman feels as if something is lost, or missed.  However rather than looking inward the gaze is always outwards. A different person will bring back those delicious feelings of newness and sexual ecstasy.  Different sexual positions or acts will bring more pleasure.  I really need to do this or need to do that to have sexual satisfaction and that does work to an extent, but leaves the person constantly chasing  the idea that something new will satisfy them or arouse them. Michael constantly looking for something more or different is to miss out on the experience.  I have dated a lot and I have had sex with quite a few men and a question I have heard fairly consistently over the last decade is what do you like most, and then I give really good oral, or I like to do this to a woman.  As a woman I am not here to be any man’s fantasy or to have things done to me.  Our own bodies are the place to achieve pleasure to be able to include another is a gift but they are not an object to stimulate or to be used as toy for our own arousal.  Sex between people requires equal pleasure and consent.  And the goal should not be just an orgasm, but pleasure and sustained pleasure will always result in an orgasm.


To wrap this up, the reason everyone likes orgasms so much is that the boundaries of our mind and body dissolve and the energy of life and the universe flows freely through our bodies.  And in that time we have a feeling of oneness with our partner or the universe and if we are really lucky both.