Get what you want in bed?

tantraWhen people learn that do Tantra I am often asked about sex. I wonder why? A lot of times men want to know how to get more of what they need in bed.  Maybe more oral, more stimulation, even more kissing, anal, bondage.

I have the answer.  It is really quite simple.   You ask.  You don’t demand, you don’t manipulate, you don’t bargain.  You ask honestly and politely. For example, “I noticed that you like it when I give you oral sex.  I really love you and want us to be intimately connected and honestly I would like oral sex.  What can I do to make it pleasurable for you?   Can I be cleaner?  Can I lay still and just let you pleasure me?

Most women have issue with oral sex for 3 reasons:  1-Manly smell 2-thrusting into the mouth and gagging. 3- fear of ejaculation in the mouth.

These are things women don’t like and will cause them not to want to perform oral sex.  Of course there are women that like both 2 & 3.  However, I know of no one that likes strong smell coming from the undercarriage.  Okay, I do know of a few fetishes, but I am not speaking about those

Oral sex is just an example, it could be anything, toe sucking, foot massage, spanking, anal, being tied up– whatever it is.  The first step to getting what you want or need is to ask.  I can hear a few men, saying I do ask and she says no.  Then how are you asking?  Are you demanding it?  Do you try to get her real excited and then bring it up, because that just generally ruins the mood.  Do you make passive aggressive hints about it? None of those things I mentioned are asking.  Ask with compassion, honesty, and be polite.  You will be surprised at the outcomes.  Tomorrow more helpful hints on getting what you need. I am pretty sure if an old broad like me can get what she wants, you can too.




Full Body Orgasm.

1coupleWhen I try to tell people about the ability to have full body orgasms all the time not just on occasion, I get odd looks.  One person asked me, if his whole body would feel like his lingam did when he had an orgasm.  He might have used other words, same meaning.  I said yes, that orgasmic energy raises up through your entire body yet it does so while the body is completely relaxed and the only focus is on the pleasure of the moment.  And yes it does feel as if you have fused with your partner and the universe.  I usually write my own stuff because I like to, but I found this awesome article and so am going to link to it.  And sometimes I like to have my own thoughts  and experiences verified by others.


Our Bodies, Our Sex, Our Lives

One aspect of our lives that continues to surprise me is the lack of knowledge we have about our own bodies and the bodies of our partners. 4_ Lingam MassageWhat I believe is that many suffer from body shame and shame of sex and desire and pleasure.  As we age whether we are in a relationship or not we can grow isolated and withdraw into our own body, and not seek out the comfort of touch and pleasure.  When this happens we become disconnected from our bodies.  Men stop getting erections, and have difficulty achieving orgasms or have weak orgasms or lack desire to find a partner or to be with their partner.  Women seek outside distractions, lose interest in sex and have a difficulty achieving orgasms.  Both men and women might think when having sex, “lets just get it over”  For no matter what, our bodies do cry out for connection and release.  In youth we don’t manifest a lot of sex problems as our biology overrides everything else including shame. So we enter into marriages or partnership with our eyes blinded by love, lust, dreams, hope or a happy life.

Then this original shame comes back after biology fails us and our lust and passion goes.  Osho, the celebrated Tantra teacher, tells us that when we are small we breathe deep, deep into our very centers.  And so we are centered and we are happy in a way that is a miracle.  Then as we grow we become aware there are rules and people to tell us no, stop that or smack us or worse abuse us or ignore us. As a child we are breathing deep into our centers and feeling our happiness and suddenly someone yells at us.  Our breath stops suddenly and fear fills our body.  We exhale.  Then the next breath comes in again it doesn’t go to our center.  It stops higher up.  Until the time when are breath is shallow in our chest and doesn’t enliven our body, but just keeps it functioning at a minimal level. This slowly creeps up on us and hit us in midlife hence the midlife crisis. Then we seek out answers or we wallow in depression and misery and try to further deaden feelings.

However, not every one is like this.  Some people are genuinely happy. Those people follow the principles of Tantra without even knowing them.  They breathe deeply, they love totally, they follow a spiritual path that adds meaning to their life and they question life and can stand the dual nature of life while looking for unity.  And they embrace intimacy.  I believe in happy people, and I believe people can learn to be happy.  I believe people can reclaim their birthright of happiness.

The way to do that is to let go of shame, claim the pleasures of our body, breathe deeply and well and find the joy of sex and live a life that has meaning.  And to do this we must know our bodies and the bodies of our partner and approach them with compassion.  Tantra isn’t about being immoral or giving up values it is about being present in every breath.




Fear based living and pleasure

Michael_Parkes_Thesday_ChidOne the emotional issues I am faced with often if not daily is fear.  Not my fear as I have a pretty good handle on that.   But fears from clients that contact me. They have a fear I will reject them or it won’t be a  useful experience or that it might be illegal and other easy things to discuss.  However, I have had conversations with several as in more than 2 but less than a dozen that are distressed at the pleasure aspect of Tantra.  A core belief of Tantra is that pleasure heals our body.   That through the experience of pleasure with ourselves or with others we have the ability to access the deepest channel of energy in our body and that free flow of energy during an orgasm opens our central channel, or spine if you can’t accept that term, and clears emotional and trauma induced blockages in our body allowing us to heal both physically and emotionally.   However, some people I have had conversations with are afraid they will lose control that somehow what I am doing is sketchy or on the level of a prostitute or working in a Asian Massage parlor.  That is not what I do.  I teach Tantra.  I teach people to experience more and deeper levels of pleasure for  the direct propose of healing. Also the goal of Tantra is not to lose control.   The exact opposite is true, Tantra gives you greater control over your sexual energy and allows that creativity to be used in other endeavors.   One of my good friends said she has noticed a big difference in my attitude since I had begun mediation.  I hate to admit that while I do mediate it is mostly for the purpose of self-pleasuring and what change has come about is that I experience more pleasure through orgasms, but it is with the intent of gaining healing and self knowledge not to relieve stress, not to prove love, not to make another happy, but to experience the deepest and fullest pleasure I can.  I have always had great orgasms, but a lot of time I used them like booze to relieve stress.  I never drank or used drugs in high school because I couldn’t understand how that was going to make me feel better than sex did.  I had good orgasms them, but they are nothing compared to what I experience now.   They are healing.  My teacher wanted to rate everything.  Is it a 8 or a 9. I don’t rate experiences for the simple reason that moment is gone and how can I compare it to anything else and by comparing it how can I experience  the present moment?  All I can say is that my orgasms have changed the quality of my life.  My life is better.  I am happier.  I am healthier from experiencing more pleasure.

It hurts me to deal with people that have such a resistance toward pleasure and healing.  It is not something that I can break through, because that has to come from the other person and being afraid of pleasure and lose of control is firmly rooted in our society.  lion

What is better Passion or Sexual Technique

The old school of thought was if you loved a person enough you would have good sex. I think that is true for some people.  Some people have a very strong emotional and physical bond and they are able to work on love making and sex until it really works well for them and they stay together for their entire lives. According to the  American Psychologist Association:

Marriage and divorce are both common experiences. In Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50. Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.

The likelihood of staying with your first marriage partner your entire life is not very good anymore.  I do know a lot of lifetime partners and it is awesome to see happy couples.  They are couples that make being together seem easy and you can tell they still carry that original spark of passion. I believe that happy couples have happy sex lives and they have found the techniques that work for them. In this case the couple has kept passion and developed techniques that bring sexual fulfillment.  This is of course is  the best case scenario that most people want.  Yet, I will say this couple has spent time learning about each other in bed and out of bed and deserve their happiness.  a kiss

I also know there are many couples that care about each other, but are stuck in a sexual rut and don’t explore.  These are good marriages where the couple is not having great sex because they lack skills and often knowledge.  And then there is always the shame issue for both men and women.  These couples have the potential to have a great marriage with great sex, but haven’t quite mastered the skill set of communication, exploration, and techniques.  This couple can benefit from Tantra techniques that teach a new way of relating to the body, teach tantric communication skills, and tantric sexual techniques especially the yoni and lingam massage with breath work.  This is a couple that genuinely care about each other, but haven’t mastered skills that bring them the greatest sexual pleasure. I believe most couples fall in this range, where we have to find time to be passionate and sexual.

The last couple is that couple who are together for all the wrongs reasons, an unplanned pregnancy, economic reasons, for convenience  or social standing, but not love or caring.  Everyone knows this couple, everyone.  One partner is usually abusive and the other is passive and enjoys the outward appearance of being a couple.  This couple needs to go their separate ways.  I was this couple when I was married.  There are some relationships that can’t be fixed, even with duct tape.