Questions and Totality

My frame of mind is not good.  I relasped and went on a date. I was not too bad until the 4th mojtio then I could not pretend any longer.  I had to be me.

The truth is when I am working with people,  I am my best me.   When working with people one on one or in a large groups where I am talking or when I have sex, I am in my zone.  That is not really the point of this post. Michael Parkes - Petrouchkas dreamI am not my best me when I feel judged or someone is angry at me or if I feel I am not respected for the person I am.  In these situations I don’t think anyone is their best me. I don’t.  None of us like to be judged, no one likes anger pointed at them and no one likes feeling that their opinions and feelings are not respected.  None of us like to feel invisible or not truly seen.  As humans we have a natural desire to be known, to be understood.  This comes out when we are adolescents as being different than our parents and calling attention to ourselves by the way we dress and talk and do our hair, however we still want the acceptance of our peers so we look like them and not our parents.

That is a driving force of most people is the need to be understood especially at our most intimate times.  There are men and women that go through their entire lives not expressing their true selves.  This is painful and these people have such a deep seated dissatisfaction with life that the main feeling others pick up from them is anger or discomfort.  Many of  these people are like my brother who firmly believes there is a place in the future where he will be happy and healthy and having a great relationship with his wife, or my ex high school boyfriend who thinks we will be together when we are 70 and having great sex.  I believe I will be having great sex at 70, however I believe my ex high school boyfriend will be dead from his bad heart and total lack of self care.  And the difference is Tantra and totality.   I am totally in or I am totally out. There is no religion no philosophy that recommends half heartedness.  Back to my ex high school boyfriend.  He has been married 40 years to a woman he didn’t whole heartedly love, who didn’t give him the sex or affection he carved.  Is that her fault?  No it is not.  He never voiced his needs in a way she could hear. That putting off, that looking to the future to be happy that is not going to happen.  If you are not happy in the present moment you aren’t happy anywhere.

So my date just looks past me, because I am 59.  He is the same age, but wants someone young and pretty and less complex than me. So he begins our date with a 30 minute dissertation on his health issues.  And ends it with the comment he needs 2 Viagra to get an erection.  He has a pacemaker and that is asking for a heart attack.  Because I walk through life in a sort of blessed state anymore, which even my most hardened friends recognize, my best and hottest bartender was working and he kept the mojitos rolling plus he made me laugh until I said enough I am going home.  And I did. Then things went sideways and I slipped into old habits that I am not going to discuss.  The point is we are happiest being exactly who we are without pretense and without barriers.  The other point is we are happiest in the present. The future is an unknown for anyone no matter how much you save no matter how much you plan.

As far as questions.  The main thing I am asked is if I am involved. I am not even sure what the hell that even means.  However, I can say I am sexual.  I do things that make me happy.  I am good.  And that is all I want to reveal. Michael_Parkes_05

Sex vs Sexuality

michael-parkes-magic-realism-paintings-720-2I have been thinking about this topic a lot. I had a client begin talking about his fantasy. He told me it was a way that he accessed his sexuality. I explained another way that I have come to believe in which was to focus on the sensations of the body, and the breath and to remain present and attentive to the touch. I think he was a bit offended. Fantasy, is all in the head and sex is in the body. Be present and attentive to what you are doing in any activity, but especially sex. And while researching this idea I came across the teaching by Osho and what follows is his explanation of sex and sexuality.


Sex is beautiful, sexuality is ugly, and the difference has to be understood. Sex is a natural phenomenon. Sexuality is unnatural, abnormal and pathological. When sex becomes cerebral, when sex enters in your head, it becomes sexuality.
Now, the head is not the center for sex. It is getting into confusion, it is getting upside down, it is getting deranged. Sex is not the function of the head, but when sex enters in through the head it becomes sexuality. Then you think about sex, then you fantasize about sex. And the more you think, the more you fantasize about it, the more you will get into trouble because then nothing real will ever satisfy you because there is no limitation on fantasy, and reality is limited.
For example, if you start thinking too much about sex you can create beautiful women – women which are only your fantasy; you will never find them anywhere in the world. Or will never come across them. No real woman or man will ever satisfy you because of the fantasy. No real man or woman can fulfill your expectations of fantasy. Fantasy is fantasy; it is a dream.

Sex, Mindfulness, & Positive Thoughts

I was actually going to go online and find a post for today as my creativity is low.  However, what I found about sex and mindfulness was really bad.  They quoted Annie Sprinkles and it is no that I donot like Annie Sprinkles it is just not the person I would look to for ideas about mindfulness.  Plus the article was not very well written,  and it was one of those sites that take 5 minutes to load because it is full of advertisement.   And I do not mind advertisement, just not that much advertisement.

What is Sex:sex1

Sex is any activity we engage in for the purpose of satisfying a sexual desire or need.  Some might say massage is then sexual, but touch is a need that is not sexual but human.  We are born with a need for touch.  Some of us learn that the only way to get touch is through being sexual, but touch is motivated by our humanness.  Sex on the other is also a human need and not one that is wrong or dirty of bad.  Sex is inherently good.  Sex is about want, desire and shared sexual activity.  I grew up in a religion that defined sex strictly by sexual penetration by a man’s penis in a woman’s vagina. Therefore people justified sexual behavior as not sex because there had been no vaginal penetration by the penis.   There is a whole lot more that goes into sex than just that.  Sex includes mutual touching, emailing, flirting, skyping, FaceTime, sexting, dirty talk, and being emotionally sexual with a person.   This does not include activities done to for other purposes.  I may email my friend to discuss the sex I am having with someone and I am confiding this because I need his help or advice.  That is not sex it is conversation.  When I open an email from a lover telling me with he wants to do with me and how badly he wants to be with me, that is sex.   I view sex holistically as a set of emotional and physical behaviors.


What is Mindfulness:untitled (10)

Mindfulness is almost the except opposite of how most of us are living moment to moment   The TV is on, you are checking your phone, and half listening to a family member or friend.  The attention of your mind is spread out and not focused on anything and everything at the same time.  The opposite is being hyper focused on a task to the point of not being aware of the outside world. Distraction and being overly focused are both the opposite of mindfulness. Mindfulness is the state of mind where the task being performed is fully taking up the mind, but without the stress of focus.  For example, when I am washing my tea cup.  I am washing my tea cup not thinking about anything but I am aware of the  water, the towel, the cup and my surroundings.  Outside thoughts are not intruding on my task nor an I obsessively washing the tea cup.  Mindfulness is awareness without intruding thoughts and the act of being fully present in whatever we are doing from taking out the trash, to listening, yo  the having sex.

Positive thoughts: blog1

I will say that I sort of hate the positive thought parade.  I have been defined as being negative my entire life when in fact I was being realistic.  The last time I was called negative was when I voiced concerns about getting a good night’s sleep because of being in a strange mattress at a yoga retreat. At least 5 people yelled at me that I should think what a welcoming bed I had and how I would sleep like a baby. What I voiced was a legitimate concern about my sleep.  I was bombarded with what I term wishful thinking and inauthentic speaking.  Being positive isn’t saying the universe is on my side.  Life isn’t Stars Wars.  Positivity is more deeply rooted in the idea of being okay with yourself and with others and withholding judgments.  It is the belief that the world is more good than bad and that everything is going to be okay, because everything is going to be okay.

Tomorrow how mindful sex is the best sex.




Lifesavers: Sex and Poetry and Yoga

Other than yoga, writing saved my life.  It is and was a place where I could be completely honest and voice feelings that I couldn’t say to others.  Most if not all my poetry has to do with sexual experiences and particularly my grasping for intimacy and also my ambivalence about intimacy.  I have a great faith in writing and writing our truth.  Even if others do not read it.  It has value.  It has been placed in the heavens and at least shines is truth on the writer.  At least honest writing does. So for me it is also another practice at Tantra communication and my goal of being honest about my life.


The necklace dish

I rummage through a homemade pot for a coral necklace, my

fingers run over fresh water pearls, faceted amber, spikes of turquoise, but the

coral is missing.

Impatiently I search and then give up eager to sip cocktails and make small talk.

The next day I find the necklace in an unexpected place that brings the memory of why.


Reaching behind my neck, I unhook the silver clasp and tentatively brush my mouth

over his lips while knowing it is unnecessary, unneeded.

His mouth opens and the kiss lingers until I pull away. This isn’t why, isn’t

necessary, isn’t needed.

The necklace falls from my hand as my fingers touch the tattoo that circles his neck, some silly

phrases from a movie. He shivers and whispers, “Hurry, I’m hard.”

I chuckle into his neck, “You are always in a hurry and hard.”

I am comfortable with the growing familiarity of demands, eager not to talk or think.

“I’ll be in touch,” ” I know you will be.”

We don’t kiss goodbye or watch where the other goes. I press my hand to my face

inhaling the scent of him like it is cocaine.

Intensity of Orgasms and how to keep it.

One  of the concerns I have heard more than once or twice is that people want to have  stronger more intense orgasms.  This means different things to different people.  I am not completely sure on this, but to men it seems to mean they want to experience the intensity and excitement of when they were younger and got erections by seeing someone or looking at a certain image and having a strong desire to have sex with what they saw.  This intensity of feeling over rides guilt or consequences and is so strong that we are willing to risk anything to be with that person.  That falling in love feeling or lust or mutual attraction is intense.  It makes for intense orgasms.  So for me and from listening to others intensity comes from emotions and the desire  we feel for the other:  our need to touch them, to see them, to please them, to watch them orgasm.

There is really nothing that compares to the lust of youth. If anyone could bottle that and sell it, they would be rich.  Of course Viagra is not the same.  Lust and the strong desire to have sex comes from being with a person you have strong sexual chemistry with.  Most if not all our relationships of the romantic sort begin with sexual attraction.  That is good.    Sexual attraction is a good beginning to a relationships, but it doesn’t last.  In fact according to scientific studies sexual attractions lasts 2 years, 6 months and 21 days.  Then you have to like the person.   Intensity of orgasms should not get confused with the intensity of new relationships. Intensity  of orgasm comes from good skills, correct breathing, good communication with your partner and lack of trauma in the relationship and in your body.     The funny thing about orgasmsjoe-manganiello is the more relaxed you are they better they are. Since I am the only person I have truly intimate knowledge of their sex life I have to use myself as an example.  I had very weak sort of dial in orgasms in the last years of my marriage because I was unhappy I was traumatized and I was numb.  That showed up in every aspect of my life including my orgasms.  And now as I am moving up on my sixth decade I can say my orgasms are stronger, longer, and more intense then at any time in my life, and I will credit my Tantra practice  for that.