I do not like to generalize. I also do not like to lump people into categories. It is not fair. Each of us looks at life through our own prism of experience, beliefs, education, spiritual growth, mental wellness or illness. The world is experienced differently by each of us. It is not that people are so varied it is that the prism we gaze at the world through is so varied and casts so many different colors onto the world. It is true some people look at the world through rose colored glasses and see the good. Others see everything cast in shadow and so they find darkness. The same goes for sex. If we look at sex as a bright fiery pleasure we get pleasure from it. If we view sex as dirty or nasty or naughty or only as a means to express love in certain circumstances or worse a duty, sex becomes tainted and dark.
Open honest sex is good. It is the best thing we can do for our bodies. And yes with time our bodies change, however; sex and desire isn’t just for the young. Sex is our life force. Our life force isn’t some nebulous thing floating around the heavens, it resides in our bodies, our loins, our sex. When we are open and awakened that force flows more freely through our body giving us greater health and more joy. Sex floods our bodies with life enriching hormones that keeps us younger, happier and healthier. Sex is the best thing you can do for yourself. It is not just some momentary pleasure or a blink of an orgasm, it is rejuvenating and those orgasms should be full body orgasms. Do not settle for less. As society we spend 40 hours a week at work and many spend 10 or more hours working out and then spend 10 minutes having sex Saturday night or Sunday morning. One of the most pleasurable and creative things we do as humans is too time consuming, or my personal favorite, I just want to get done. Why would you want to feel less pleasure? Feeling more pleasure protects you from depression, illness and many other issues. Sex is good for you. It connects you more deeply with yourself and more deeply with your partner. Even if it is just a sex partner. Isn’t better to have a fun relaxing time and laugh and have multiple orgasms than not?
I find sex the best thing I do. It makes me feel the best and happiest and truly at one with myself. I just love it I always have and it is good for you emotionally and physically.
When people learn that do Tantra I am often asked about sex. I wonder why? A lot of times men want to know how to get more of what they need in bed. Maybe more oral, more stimulation, even more kissing, anal, bondage.
I have the answer. It is really quite simple. You ask. You don’t demand, you don’t manipulate, you don’t bargain. You ask honestly and politely. For example, “I noticed that you like it when I give you oral sex. I really love you and want us to be intimately connected and honestly I would like oral sex. What can I do to make it pleasurable for you? Can I be cleaner? Can I lay still and just let you pleasure me?
Most women have issue with oral sex for 3 reasons: 1-Manly smell 2-thrusting into the mouth and gagging. 3- fear of ejaculation in the mouth.
These are things women don’t like and will cause them not to want to perform oral sex. Of course there are women that like both 2 & 3. However, I know of no one that likes strong smell coming from the undercarriage. Okay, I do know of a few fetishes, but I am not speaking about those.
Oral sex is just an example, it could be anything, toe sucking, foot massage, spanking, anal, being tied up– whatever it is. The first step to getting what you want or need is to ask. I can hear a few men, saying I do ask and she says no. Then how are you asking? Are you demanding it? Do you try to get her real excited and then bring it up, because that just generally ruins the mood. Do you make passive aggressive hints about it? None of those things I mentioned are asking. Ask with compassion, honesty, and be polite. You will be surprised at the outcomes. Tomorrow more helpful hints on getting what you need. I am pretty sure if an old broad like me can get what she wants, you can too.
My frame of mind is not good. I relasped and went on a date. I was not too bad until the 4th mojtio then I could not pretend any longer. I had to be me.
The truth is when I am working with people, I am my best me. When working with people one on one or in a large groups where I am talking or when I have sex, I am in my zone. That is not really the point of this post. I am not my best me when I feel judged or someone is angry at me or if I feel I am not respected for the person I am. In these situations I don’t think anyone is their best me. I don’t. None of us like to be judged, no one likes anger pointed at them and no one likes feeling that their opinions and feelings are not respected. None of us like to feel invisible or not truly seen. As humans we have a natural desire to be known, to be understood. This comes out when we are adolescents as being different than our parents and calling attention to ourselves by the way we dress and talk and do our hair, however we still want the acceptance of our peers so we look like them and not our parents.
That is a driving force of most people is the need to be understood especially at our most intimate times. There are men and women that go through their entire lives not expressing their true selves. This is painful and these people have such a deep seated dissatisfaction with life that the main feeling others pick up from them is anger or discomfort. Many of these people are like my brother who firmly believes there is a place in the future where he will be happy and healthy and having a great relationship with his wife, or my ex high school boyfriend who thinks we will be together when we are 70 and having great sex. I believe I will be having great sex at 70, however I believe my ex high school boyfriend will be dead from his bad heart and total lack of self care. And the difference is Tantra and totality. I am totally in or I am totally out. There is no religion no philosophy that recommends half heartedness. Back to my ex high school boyfriend. He has been married 40 years to a woman he didn’t whole heartedly love, who didn’t give him the sex or affection he carved. Is that her fault? No it is not. He never voiced his needs in a way she could hear. That putting off, that looking to the future to be happy that is not going to happen. If you are not happy in the present moment you aren’t happy anywhere.
So my date just looks past me, because I am 59. He is the same age, but wants someone young and pretty and less complex than me. So he begins our date with a 30 minute dissertation on his health issues. And ends it with the comment he needs 2 Viagra to get an erection. He has a pacemaker and that is asking for a heart attack. Because I walk through life in a sort of blessed state anymore, which even my most hardened friends recognize, my best and hottest bartender was working and he kept the mojitos rolling plus he made me laugh until I said enough I am going home. And I did. Then things went sideways and I slipped into old habits that I am not going to discuss. The point is we are happiest being exactly who we are without pretense and without barriers. The other point is we are happiest in the present. The future is an unknown for anyone no matter how much you save no matter how much you plan.
As far as questions. The main thing I am asked is if I am involved. I am not even sure what the hell that even means. However, I can say I am sexual. I do things that make me happy. I am good. And that is all I want to reveal.
Universally, we all long to be touched. It is hardwired into our bodies that we long for touch. Some people require less and some require more, but we all require it. One of the aspects of touch is learning how to touch your partner and knowing how they liked to be touched and where. This requires one thing. Ask!!! That is it Ask!!! Women will respond to touch they don’t like by saying a variation of the following: don’t, not there, stop it or actually pulling away or pushing your hand away. Men just sort of suffer it out, but it still bothers them. Many times it isn’t that we don’t want to be touched, but the way we are being touched feels too rough to even too gentle. It is really about asking.
It is also learning some basics about touch. A touch should always feel confident to the receiver. Whether the touch is going to be gentle, rough or even a slap it should be done with confidence. There is nothing worse than to be on the other end of a half-hearted slap that doesn’t really contact right and feels sort of half-assed. Then there is the too gentle touch like I am going to break and it is just not about being too gentle but tentative. Then there is my least favorite type of touch, this one was perfected by my ex-husband, the grabbing, grasping, icky pawed at touch. I like being touched rough. I like being grabbed. It is exciting when it is part of the how that sex is playing out. However, when a person constantly grabs without any intention or confidence it is unnerving. It doesn’t spark desire it kills it. I often demonstrate touch to men on the chest. When the chest is massaged in a circular up and outward motion it is very pleasant. However, I then demonstrate a touch that is actually unpleasant and that is reaching over the chest and nipple area and dragging my fingers downward. No one has ever stated this feels good. And I do it to demonstrate an unpleasant or even bad way of touching someone. I ask first and then discuss it afterwards.
Another aspect of touch that I employ is to get myself in sync with the energy of the person receiving the touch, by breathing with them making eye contact talking a little to convey intention Then I actually do this and I know how it sounds, but I ask or pray that my touch conveys love and understanding. That is what I want to flow from me to any other person not only those that I work with, but my family, my friends, my partners, my dogs.
I forget to write about women and as a woman I should know something, I suppose. Just like I can’t generalize about men; I can’t generalize about women. My experiences as a woman aren’t the same as other women’s experiences. However, from talking with my female friends and listening to men talk about women, I can say this resentment builds over time and is a killer for good sex and intimacy and relationships.
Resentment is funny thing because it starts out as kindness or compromise. Our husband or boyfriend or lover asks for something and rather than voice our true feelings, such as, “Honey I love you but I am not going to go get you a beer this time.” We get up and get the beer and the first 100 times we don’t say anything and then suddenly the resentment sets in–hard. Then it is a fight and then it builds up and then we aren’t feeling sexy toward the partner, at all. This starts a little cycle. The woman has resentments, she says no, the partner then feels rejected and then they either push too hard for sex or stop pushing for sex. Both are bad. The key is resentment and not communicating boundaries form the very beginning. If I am constantly and positively releasing the my feelings then resentment doesn’t set in. At least when I recognize I feel resentment it needs to be stated and not is some venting crazed way. I know couples that have been married 30, 40 years and never fought until that one fight and it lead to a divorce after decades of not fighting. Resentment is tricky like that.
To communicate in Tantra is to be clear about what we want. To communicate what we want in life, in relationships, in bed requires knowing what we want and then clearly stating it. Yet, stating it from a place of love and compassion for the other person. Back to the beer example. “Honey, I love you and if I am up getting me a beer I will gladly get one for you, but asking me to make a special trip for you makes me resent you.” That is the truth and spoken from love and compassion the partner can hear the truth. Truth is what brings our lives joy in bed and out of bed. Here I fall back on my own life. One reason I like sex so much is that during sex I feel most real, most true to myself, and most alive. Those feelings can not flow if resentment is blocking them.
One aspect of Tantra that I am really trying to work on is the art of communication. I value honesty and honest communication. But to be honest sometimes my honest communication is just rude. So this is an area of work for me. What I think is very valuable is that I offer a time and space when a person can be completely honest about their sexual concerns. I take my job as a coach, counselor, teacher seriously and I to not betray confidences or talk about my clients. So when a person does lie to me about somethings that is absolutely not worth lying about, it throws me. Plus it is not helpful to the person I am in session with. That lie stands between getting honest help and getting help based on a falsehood. Help based on a falsehood is not help at all and will not feel like help and will not resonate within your body as something beneficial.
It is similar to the woman who lies about having an orgasm. When she figures out how to orgasm how does she tell her partner, who thinks she has been having orgasms all the time ? It is catch 22 and the main reason lies and dishonesty are so harmful, but especially in the bedroom and intimate relationships or friendships or professional relationships. Dishonesty and falsehoods are just harmful, but mostly to ourselves.
For example if I need something in bed and I am not getting it that unmet even unspoken need puts a wall between me and my partner. It may be an unspoken and invisible wall, but it is still a wall. And it still creates barriers rather than building intimacy. And that needs becomes a huge issue of unspoken and unresolved conflict. And here is where a lesson from Tantra comes into play. It encourages us to ask for what we want and need in bed and in life. The catch is that we are to ask with love and compassion. Once our needs are framed in love the other person is more likely to want to meet our needs. This is not manipulation. It is s technique of communication. Tantra provides techniques.
I spent years demanding sex from my ex-husband. I could have said, “I love you and I want to share that love by making love to you.” However that would have been dishonest. I should have said, “Can you please listen to me and understand I am speaking from my heart, I need sex to validate my femaleness. I need sex because it is an important part of my identity. However, I do not love you and it feels like just sex to me and if we can’t make love, I believe we should consider ending this relationship.” That sounds just a little too honest. However, that honesty would have saved me tens years of unhappiness. Plus at that time I would have sought out another marriage and perhaps found the soulmate that has eluded me. But instead I choose dishonesty and the person it most hurt was me.
If you have session with me be honest. I can help you more through honesty than any other way. Be honest and open with your partners and friends and people in general and ask for what you want and do it with love. My religious background taught me to lie, mostly to myself about what I wanted. What lifts me up in Tantra is the technique of honesty in communication and asking for what is truly in my heart and doing that with compassion,
Peace out my bed awaits, jill
The art is my Michael Parks please check out his gallery.
One of the main aspects of Tantra is communication. The mantra being basically: positive thought, positive words, positive actions. To stay with that idea for a moment. I do not believe or appreciate false positive talk. You hear a lot of it in yoga. There are certain catch phrases, manifest a good night’s sleep. Or my personal all time favorites– I don’t go to the dentist. I manifest good teeth. I do not buy into that. I believe my thoughts can change my state of being. I do not believe my thoughts can keep my teeth healthy without a dentist. On the point of positive words, I rather hear honest authentic words. I expressed negative words today. And I feel badly about it. I wish I had not said anything at all. But the problem was I was not thinking positive thoughts or asking the right questions.
A key point in Tantra communication is asking for what you want. Not form the universe not from some mystical something, but from the person you are with. You get what you want in bed by asking. And asking from a place of intimacy and connection. Sex is not a ritual that we do or a job or if I do this and this I will get this. Good knowledge and skills make sex easier, but they real benefit of sex is connection. For connection to take place you have to ask for what you want. Not demand, not whine, not manipulate, not bribe, but ask. Ask by using Please and thank you and listening to the answer.
I often hear that people, men people would like more frequency of sex. I understand this. I was with a withholding man. It made no sense to me why he wouldn’t have sex more often. I reacted with frustration and anger. I demanded sex, but I didn’t ask for what I really needed. I needed to feel loved and appreciated and for me that meant having sex and having my sexuality validated. I didn’t say to him, “I love you and I need to feel close to you. Could we please make love?” That is what I truly needed and wanted, but instead I would get mad and say things like, “What the hell is wrong with you? We never have sex!!!” Obviously this didn’t work or get me the desired response and finally we divorced. I never learned to communicate what I wanted. I still struggle with it. I struggled today with it. Life is difficult and we do not need to make it more difficult by not communicating well.
I have taken a lot of courses on communication gone to workshops, been a counselor and a social worker and a teacher, but the best advise the best course of action I have learned is ask for what you want. That is a key Tantra principle. Ask for what you want.