Get what you want in bed?

tantraWhen people learn that do Tantra I am often asked about sex. I wonder why? A lot of times men want to know how to get more of what they need in bed.  Maybe more oral, more stimulation, even more kissing, anal, bondage.

I have the answer.  It is really quite simple.   You ask.  You don’t demand, you don’t manipulate, you don’t bargain.  You ask honestly and politely. For example, “I noticed that you like it when I give you oral sex.  I really love you and want us to be intimately connected and honestly I would like oral sex.  What can I do to make it pleasurable for you?   Can I be cleaner?  Can I lay still and just let you pleasure me?

Most women have issue with oral sex for 3 reasons:  1-Manly smell 2-thrusting into the mouth and gagging. 3- fear of ejaculation in the mouth.

These are things women don’t like and will cause them not to want to perform oral sex.  Of course there are women that like both 2 & 3.  However, I know of no one that likes strong smell coming from the undercarriage.  Okay, I do know of a few fetishes, but I am not speaking about those

Oral sex is just an example, it could be anything, toe sucking, foot massage, spanking, anal, being tied up– whatever it is.  The first step to getting what you want or need is to ask.  I can hear a few men, saying I do ask and she says no.  Then how are you asking?  Are you demanding it?  Do you try to get her real excited and then bring it up, because that just generally ruins the mood.  Do you make passive aggressive hints about it? None of those things I mentioned are asking.  Ask with compassion, honesty, and be polite.  You will be surprised at the outcomes.  Tomorrow more helpful hints on getting what you need. I am pretty sure if an old broad like me can get what she wants, you can too.

 

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Touch what it should be and what is shouldn’t be

Universally, we all long to be touched.  It is hardwired into our bodies that we long for touch. Some people require less and some require more, but we all require it.  One of the aspects of touch is learning how to touch your partner and knowing how they liked to be touched and where.  This requires one thing.  Ask!!!  That is it Ask!!! Women will respond to touch they don’t like by saying a variation of the following: don’t, not there, stop it or actually pulling away or pushing your hand away. Men just sort of suffer it out, but it still bothers them.    Many times it isn’t that we don’t want to be touched,  but the way we are being touched feels too rough to even too gentle. It is really about asking.  images (11)

It is also learning some basics about touch. A touch should always feel confident to the receiver.  Whether the touch is going to be gentle, rough or even a slap it should be done with confidence.  There is nothing worse than to be on the other end of a half-hearted slap that doesn’t really contact right and feels sort of half-assed. Then there is the too gentle touch like I am going to break and it is just not about being too gentle but tentative.  Then there is my least favorite type of touch, this one was perfected by my ex-husband,  the grabbing, grasping, icky pawed at touch.  I like being touched rough.  I like being grabbed.  It is exciting when it is part of the how that sex is playing out.  However, when a person constantly grabs without any intention or confidence it is unnerving. It doesn’t spark desire it kills it. I often demonstrate touch to men on the chest.  When the chest is massaged in a circular up and outward motion it is very pleasant.  However,  I then demonstrate a touch that is actually unpleasant and that is reaching over the chest and nipple area and dragging my fingers downward.  No one has ever stated this feels good. And I do it to demonstrate an unpleasant or even bad way of touching someone.  I ask  first and then discuss it afterwards.

Another aspect of touch that I employ is to get myself in sync with the energy of the person receiving the touch, by breathing with them making eye contact talking a little to convey intention Then I actually do this and I know how it sounds, but I ask or pray that my touch conveys love and understanding. That is what I want to flow from me to any other person not only those that I work with, but my family, my friends, my partners, my dogs.

Tantra Communication or the Art of asking for what you want in Bed!

One aspect of Tantra that I am really trying to work on is the  art of communication.  I value honesty and honest communication. But to be honest sometimes my honest communication is just rude.  So this is an area of work for me.  What I think is very valuable is that I offer a time and space when a person can be completely honest about their sexual concerns.  I take my job as a coach, counselor,  teacher seriously and I to not betray confidences or talk about my clients.  So when a person does lie to me about somethings that is absolutely not worth lying about, it throws me.  Plus it is not helpful to the person I am in session with.  That lie stands between getting honest help and getting help based on a falsehood.  Help based on a falsehood is not help at all and will not feel like help and will not resonate within your body as something beneficial.1305109046_383741

It is similar to the woman who lies about having an orgasm.  When she figures out how to orgasm how does she tell her partner, who thinks she has been having orgasms all the time ?  It is catch 22 and the main reason lies and dishonesty are so harmful, but especially in the bedroom and intimate relationships or friendships or professional relationships. Dishonesty and falsehoods are just harmful, but mostly to ourselves.

For example if I need something in bed and I am not getting it that unmet even unspoken need puts a wall between me and my partner.  It may be an unspoken and invisible wall, but it is still a wall.  And it still creates barriers rather than building intimacy.  And that needs becomes a huge issue of unspoken and unresolved conflict.  And here is where a lesson from Tantra comes into play.  It encourages us to ask for what we want and need in bed and in life.  The catch is that we are to ask with love and compassion.  Once our needs are framed in love the other person is more likely to want to meet our needs.   This is not manipulation.  It is s technique of communication. Tantra provides techniques.

I spent years demanding sex from my ex-husband.  I could have said, “I love you and I want to share that love by  making love to you.” However that would have been dishonest.  I should have said, “Can you please listen to me and understand I am speaking from my heart, I need sex to validate my femaleness.  I need sex because it is an important part of my identity.   However, I do not love you and it feels like just sex to me and if we can’t make love, I believe we should consider ending this relationship.”   That sounds just a little too honest.  However, that honesty would have saved me tens years of unhappiness. Plus at that time I would have sought  out another marriage  and perhaps found the soulmate that has eluded me.  But instead I choose dishonesty and the person it most hurt was me.

If you have session with me be honest.  I can help you more through honesty than any other way.  Be honest and open with your partners and friends and people in general and ask for what you want and do it with love.  My religious background taught me to lie, mostly to myself about what I wanted.  What lifts me up in Tantra is the technique  of honesty in communication and asking for what is truly in my heart and doing that with compassion,

Peace out my bed awaits, jill

The art is my Michael Parks please check out his gallery. 600full-michael-parkes