Modern Tantra Teachers: What they are Missing and Why their message is often Dangerous.  

One of the worst people I have met was my first Tantra teacher. She used ghost writers to write her books, her background was largely made-up, she was barely literate, she had no education or training outside of men telling her she was a dantrika. Her selling mantra is Sex is Medicine. She has gone on to be very successful, a coveted speaker, and publishes in MBG .   This is the holy grail of the new-age, yoga self-help thing.  .   However, their last Tantra writer committed suicide so there is that issue that no one in the Tantra community addresses.  Here is an article that addresses some of her death.

Upon reading, it is apparent this was a deeply troubled woman who used Tantra as a means to escape and to benefit from her natural beauty and skills, but to also express her inherent caring and love. It is also apparent that she hadn’t healed her own wounds and that left her open to despair and suffering. I feel very upset by this death as I do with all suicides. I have also been rather shocked at the Tantra communities lack of concern or even acknowledgment of her death. Tantra is a hot topic currently and selling well and no one wants to look at the dark side. There is a dark side. That dark side is that many people go into Tantra deeply wounded, and suffering from untreated mental health issues. They are looking for relief and a way to heal. If you are dedicated to your path it can work.  

However, many teachers get caught up in selling themselves, establishing themselves as experts, acting in nonauthentic ways to promote themselves as filled with love. Some of us that are filled with love don’t act like you expect. Some of the kindest most healthy people I have ever known have had some rough edges. Also, honesty is the highest virtue and if you don’t speak from a place of honesty no matter how kind it is, the sentiment is false. Also, many Tantra teachers have left sex jobs as strippers aka dancers, escorts seeking acceptance in a community that values their talents. I personally have no issue with sex jobs. I know my teacher tried to hide her past, going as far to change her name, and that she experienced significant damage as a sex worker. She was also a sexually abused child, which was a wound that was still raw when I met her. In our certification retreat, I was the only none sex worker and the only one who had not experienced childhood abuse. Abuse, past trauma, substance abuse are all aspects of the human condition and many Tantra teachers have experienced them and have healed stronger from the experience. However, many are the walking wounded and their position places them in contact with people looking for healing, which also places the teacher in a position to do harm.

I felt such a deep betrayal of trust from my teacher I left the retreat. I still feel betrayed and discussed the matter with a totally disinterested party made my peace and certified with another teacher.  I value many of the things I learned and I have continued my learning in Buddhism and Tibetan Tantra. Over six months of teaching I confided my deepest feelings and hopes and felt I was truly understood to be faced with judgment and criticism at the retreat. It was also apparent she knew very little about Tantra and her curiosity focused exclusively on sex and orgasms. No one is more pro sex and orgasm than me.  However, learning how to orgasm, use jade balls, is not Tantra that is just sex education.

Since I began my Tantra practice 4 years ago, I have seen a continued debasement of Tantra and troubling abuses. This done in many ways, but I am going to address 2 of the most dangerous ideas that are circulating.

1-Sex can heal you:

There is this totally false idea going around that a session with a popular Tantra practitioner can transform you, in short hero worship.  I think having sex with Tom Jones would heal me, but I understand that is a fantasy.  The idea that sex will heal you is also a fantasy unless the sex is taking place in a loving intimate relationship. 

My favorite quote is you are your own best guru. No one can heal you. That is your task in the world to heal your original wound of being separated from the divine when you were born.  It is the same for everyone. Someone can give you tools, support you by listening and giving you information. However, that sad truth is orgasms won’t enlighten you or heal you. Healing is hard soul work and if you have been wounded, Tantra can help you heal if you practice the meditations, the movements, the breath and act consciously. Just having orgasms isn’t going to cure you, although it will feel good and it is a nice fantasy and a pretty good marketing tool.   

Along with this same line, is that everyone is harmed sexually by our culture. No, that is not true. I have met too many healthy happy people to believe that. It is just not true. Not everyone needs sexual healing. It still feels good, though. 

2-Tantra is doing sex techniques:

No. Just no. I have seen about everything marketed under Tantra, yoni yoga, learning to be a multi orgasmic woman or man, finding your inner goddess, jade egg, non-ejaculatory sex

Tantra uses techniques of massage, breath, special meditations, touch, and movement to align the body to feel the greatest amount of pleasure. This moves the person from friction sex to Tantra sex. These are techniques that when learned can produce great transformation. This also takes practice and a deeper understanding of Tantra than a massage or any one technique can give.  

Tantra is non-religious yet spiritual. It is sacred intimacy. It is touching ourselves and our lover with the intention to give pleasure. Tantra is sexual energy moving inwards to the heart for the purpose of enlightenment. Our hankering or obsession for sex and the control we feel it has over our lives is actually an indication of our body being out of balance. Sex is natural and good.  This can not be taught by learning one or several tantra sex techniques. 

Our Western Society is still a sex-negative culture. We see sex everywhere, we sell everything by using sex, and now I see people using sex to sell Tantra, but we still feel it is basically wrong and dirty. As a society, we struggle with shame and fear when it comes to our bodies and sex. We fear that we will experience too much desire or too much pleasure. We judge. We rush through sex with the idea of let’s just get it done. We fail to honor the sacred nature of our bodies and our sex organs. There is a fear that we will lose ourselves in too much pleasure or desire. We are often taught, we need to control the amount of sex we have, the type of sex, and how much pleasure we feel. That is silly and limiting.   Even saying that not everyone believes this there are people that embrace sex, and love and intimacy naturally and completely.  Those people are blessed.   

Tantra is about transformation.  It is from moving out of limiting beliefs and finding acceptance, love, and peace of mind. 

What to expect from a Tantric Massage and what you will learn

 All of the teaching is done hands on and ina fully integrated manner.  The general feedback I get is that this was way above my expectations.  And for those wanting to know what to expect as your practioner what you will learn.  If you get a bunch of mambo jumbo think twice.  If the practioner become overtly sexual that isn’t appropriate either.  Recently, many men and women have been speaking up about trauma they have experienced during Tantra sessions.   It can happen.  I am glad to say that is 4 years of practice I have only felt like I didn’t meet expectations less than a handful of times and have never inflicted trauma.  

  • What to Learn from your first Tantra Session? 

Tantra should be seen as a practice to bring deep pleasure to the body and to integrate the body to a higher degree. Tantra doesn’t see a separation of body and spirit. The body is us. And the goal is the feel the unity of the body and not feel separate from it. Our mind our thoughts should not feel separate from our bodies or worse in conflict. The needs of the body are also the needs of the mind.

1-Tantra is a yoga practice that is based on Tibetan Buddhism, but is non-religious. Buddhism believes all human conflict comes from anger and attachment. It is very simple. Anger arises when our needs are not being met or we experience another painful emotion and we translate it into anger. We get hurt and we are angry at the person the hurts us. Anger is a root cause of our dissatisfaction and a chief emotion when were are not in harmony with ourselves. Attachment is striving for an outcome or expecting an outcome and focusing on it to the determent of enjoying the present. It is impossible to be present and mindful if you are focused or attached to an outcome. An example is the focus people put on finding the one who will make them happy rather than being the one that is happy.

Tantra believes we create our own soulmate when we deeply connect with our partner. Through the practice of Tantra we become soulmates with our chosen partner and conflicts are resolved more easily and we feel loved and connected to our partner.  

2-The practice of Tantra incorporates 4 basic practices and ideas:

1-Breath work as a way to manage energy, feelings and to gain more control over feelings of pleasure

2-Mediation/ the elemental Chakra system this is used to activate the Kundalini energy and to achieve enlightenment 

                3-tantic communication

                4-Movement& Sound &Touch.


1-The Breath: a great deal of importance is placed on breathing and breath work or pranayama for the simple reason that our life begins with our first inhalation and ends with our last exhalation. So in truth life can be seen as one long breath. Air is what brings energy into our bodies and enriches our blood and keeps us alive. 

It is also a way to manage our state of mind and sense of well-being.

The 3 Main breathing techniques used in Tantra are

-long deep breathing or relaxation breath. The purpose is to relax the body and increase a free flow of energy within the body. When used during sex it brings pleasure closer to the surface of the skin as the body is full of air and energy. This is the main breath and should be used throughout the day and especially during sex. 

-The correct technique is simply breathing in through the nose and filling the body with your breath taking a slight pause and letting out all of the breath through the nose. Mouth breathing should be avoided unless it is being used in Ocean breath.  

-Ocean Breath. This is used at the beginning of an orgasm or at a time to bring more energy into the fire chakra area that holds our sexual organs. It can also be used to bring healing to the body and in particular the air chakra that controls our speech and expression. 

It is simply opening the mouth wide and breathing into the belly and exhaling the same breath through the mouth. This can be done with the primal sound of awww which is healing to the air chakra and helps us communicate more authentically or you don’t have to make sound. By continuing the Ocean Breath during an orgasm you can prolong the orgasm and expand it throughout the body. This does take practice and overcoming the idea it is weird.

Lingam Breath- is used to exercise the pelvic floor and to increase energy and to bring greater health to the pelvic floor. It is practiced by taking in a deep breath holding the breath and tightening the PC muscles. Releasing the muscles and then exhaling the breath—holding the breath and pulsing the same PC muscles 5 times vigorously. The benefits of this breath is increased energy to the fire chakra, more control over the Lingam when engaging in penetrative sex and as a preventive measure against urinary incontinence and rectal prolapse. It should be done several times a day and always practiced before self-pleasuring.

***There are other advanced breathing techniques that are used in the mediations and to strengthen the fire chakra.


2-Mediation/ the elemental Chakra system this is used to activate the Kundalini energy and to achieve enlightenment 

Tibetan uses a system of elemental chakras. Each Chakra is represented by a shape and color and sound. The mediation for each chakra takes about 15 to 20 minutes to complete and dedication to learn. The fire mediation I use during a session is meant for self-pleasuring to pull energy to the fire chakra    

Fire Mediation for Self-Pleasuring or during sex: You use relaxation breath and visualize a red dot of light in the center of the heart. You pull the red dot of light to the center channel that is visualized as a white light running from the top of your head to the root of your body. The red point of light is placed in the central channel and expanded to the size of a grape and while taking deep long breath you visualize it moving down the central channel until you reach the lingman or yoni and then you expand the red ball of light to a triangle of red light in your fire chakra. Take a deep breath-hold-tighten the PC muscle and lock the energy into place. Then continue with sex or self-pleasuring after you have had an orgasm take a deep breath shrink the triangle of red light in your fire chakra to the size of a red marble move it back up the central channel to the heart area shrink it further down to the size of a pin point of light and visualize it moving back into the heart and becoming tinier and tinier until it is fully incorporated into the body.    

3-Tantric Communication: Tantric communication is simply communicating your needs and listening to the needs of others with compassion and engagement and being present. This is further explored in later sessions with a worksheet and text if interested. 

 4-Movement & Sound &Touch: Tantra has 5 basic core movements that are used with deep relaxation breath to increase desire, bring strength and energy to the fire chakra, and to move that energy up the central channel. It is possible thought movement to find enlightenment and often achieve orgasm.  

Sound is used in the Ocean Breath and in the five mediations to vibrate the chakra and to bring healing. Also each chakra has a sound attached to it that is used during the mediation.    

Touch is what you experience in the massage. Tantric touch means to be present, to have an intention. My intentions are to bring pleasure, relaxation, and learning. Often the only time we bring intention to our touch is when we are violent and intend to hurt someone. Tantric touch is the opposite of that. The touch imparts a deep sense of acceptance of  the body. Often the complete acceptance of your partner’s body can bring about healing and love. It is a gift you give to your partner that may have been denied to them by others.

The first steps are often difficult because it is new and differs so much from our western view of sex. So begin with acceptance of where you are, do not focus on outcomes, let go of attachments, and the basic step is long deep breathing and compassion for yourself first and others.  



Tantra and Healing your soul for Love 

Thank you Sensual Soul Healing Community on Facebook and Matt Licatta
“What is the best way to prepare for a healthy, deeply satisfying intimate relationship? How can you attract the right partner? Someone who can accompany you on the path, a fellow traveler who is genuinely interested in exploring relationship as a transformative, modern-day crucible of healing and awakening?
There are many responses to these sorts of questions: workshops to attend, ten “secrets” to attract your perfect soul mate, twelve steps to manifesting your twin flame, tantric practices to learn and master. It can be important to experiment with any approach you feel drawn to and is resonant with your longing.
The suggestion I usually make, however, is not nearly as sexy or compelling, or all that fun or flashy, or even overtly “spiritual”:
Learn how to take care of yourself. Start there and you will lay the foundation for a rich, meaningful, and nourishing relationship with another. 
For it is the degree to which you are able to take responsibility for your own core emotional wounding that you will release your partner(s) from this burden, which is not theirs to carry. As long as there is a subtle expectation that your partner’s role is to enact the archetype of the “good other” that was missing in earlier developmental times, you will not be able to assume the risk that intimacy demands, lead with your vulnerability, and harness the incredibly transformational energy of the relational field.
Allow yourself to become curious about what triggers you, the feelings you’ll do anything not to feel, and the unique behaviors you engage in to distract yourself from activating emotional experience. Rather than urgently spinning to find relief from this material, instead move closer toward it. Train yourself to enter inside it, touch it, feel it, and come to know its texture. Provide a holding environment where the feelings can be illuminated, be worked through, and integrated in loving presence.
To what degree do you believe another person will fill the void for you, make the emptiness go away, relieve you from feelings and limiting beliefs you do not want to confront, and protect you from the unattended ghosts of your unlived life?
As spiritually-oriented people, we are quite sure that we have transcended all this, but please inquire carefully, for its expressions can be subtle. As long as we are looking to our partners to fulfill those functions that were not offered to us as young children, it will be difficult to come into a fulfilling, loving relationship that is not riddled with the pain of projection.
Your partner is here to help and support you, and make the journey by your side as a loving, caring fellow traveler of the path. But they are not here to (re)parent you or take care of your unlived life for you, for this is your sacred work and it would be unkind of them to attempt to take these holy tasks from you. All the long-lost allies of abandonment, rejection, unworthiness, and shame. rage, jealousy, unmet grief and partly processed loneliness. They have all come into the relational field with you, as part of an extraordinary gathering.
When all is said and done, perhaps there is no secret to co-creating a fulfilling, supportive, mutually beneficial intimate relationship, as it is always in the end a movement of the unknown. Healthy intimacy is not something you will figure out one day by way of some checklist or magical formula, but something you are asked to live in each moment, in all its chaotic glory. 
By learning to take care of yourself, you are creating a foundation upon which the mysteries of intimacy can come alive within and around you, providing a crucible like no other for the great work of aliveness that you have come here to embody.”
~ Matt Licata ~

Tantra and Soulmates

More people look online for love and marriage than sex.  Love, marriage, dating are the number one searches.  This is true of men and women.  Men and women are more alike than different.  We both want connection, love, acceptance and compassion along with intimacy.  

Unfortunately, in our society we see very little.  We are pressured to feel sexual jealousy, competitiveness, hostility, and lack sexual knowledge and skills and communication skills.  

Tantra can move a couple into the realm of soulmates as Osho explains:

You are born with the capacity to love, but you are not born with the art of love. That art of love has to be taught, has to be imbibed.

People feel bored with their wives and with their husbands. 

The reason is they have not been able to contact the other’s real soul. They have been able to contact the body, but they have missed the contact that happens heart to heart, center to center, soul to soul. Once you know how to contact soul to soul, when you have become soul-mates, then there is no boredom at all. 

Then there is always something to discover in the other because each being is an infinity, and each being contains God Himself There is no end to exploring. Unless you become capable of decoding the inner mystery of your woman or your man, you will sooner or later get fed up, bored.

That’s why I say Tantra should become a compulsory phenomenon for all human beings. Each school, each college, each university, should teach Tantra. 

Tantra is the science of contacting souls, of going to the deepest core of the other. Only in a world which knows the art of Tantra will this boredom disappear; otherwise it cannot disappear.

Unless you learn the secret art of Tantra…

Tantra is one of the most important secrets ever discovered.

 But it is very delicate because it is the GREATEST art. To paint is easy, to create poetry is easy, but to create a communion with the energy of the other, a dancing communion, is the greatest and the most difficult art to learn.

People are against me because I am telling people how to love. I am telling people how to make love a prayer. 

I am telling people how to love so deeply that love itself becomes your religion — that your woman one day disappears and you find God there, that your man one day disappears and you find God there; that one day, in deep communion, in deep orgasmic experience, in that ecstasy, for a moment you both disappear and there is only God and nothing else.

Remember, there is no need to be afraid of women, no need to be afraid of men. We are all alike, the same God. We have to learn how to love each other. We have to come closer to each other because that is the only way to come close to God. 

Love is one of the greatest doors to God, just as awareness is another.

The East has followed the way of awareness and become lopsided. The West has followed the way of love and has become lopsided. I teach you both: a loving awareness, a conscious love And with this you will become integrated, you will attain individuation.
~ Osho

Tantra and Penis size

I get a lot of questions about penis size and I have to remind men they are often looking at flaccid penises, not the penis in glory.  Unless a man is gay, they just don’t have good penis information.  The average size erect is 5 3/4 inches and a bit more than an inch around.  80% of men fall into this cagetgory or smaller.  The remaining 20% are bigger.  I have always been a fan of the penis.   

This link gives a rather extensive view about penis size and how men feel about their penis.  If you read it and look at the pictures you will notice the vast differences.  However, your penis is or if you are a woman learn love for the lingam.  It is beautiful in its variety.

What is sexual energy vs tantric energy

I respond to many emails about erections.  Yup, I said that.  It really happens a lot.  And after a few discrete question done in the spirit of wanting to give compassionate help, I find out that the erection are in fact there.

However, the man is unhappy with the quality of the erections.  They aren’t spontaneous, they aren’t as hard, there isn’t the intensity. 

Honestly, Tantra can help with these issues.  However, there is also the truth of getting older, disease, approaching death and the myriad aspects of age.  I have been very blessed to have not only good genetics, but also strong life energy.  Genetics is what it is.  Energy on the other hand can be increased.  When energy is increased in the body, there is a sense of overall well-being, creativity, and happiness.

So what does that have to do with sex?  Everything! 

In Tibatian/Elemental Tantra we work with elemental chakras-


Whatever is in the universe is in us.  We can increase the energy in our body through meditation that gathers energy and brings it back into the body.  These mediatation alone or with sex clear the central channel of any emotional or physical blocks.  By practicing all aspects of Tantra energy floods your entire body.  And the strongest source of energy is sexual energy.  That energy can increase in your body no matter the age and you will feel the energetic power of sex and with it will come an increase in creativity and happiness. 

 A lot of articles on Tantric sex, not all, focus on the physical aspects alone.  A very well read website took information they found on my website and expanded it into many articles on Full body orgasms.  I am not offended by them taking my information as a certainly do not own it.  What I am offended by is their focus on the mechanics of sex, certain touches, certain breathing practices.  One reason I find this focus offense is they use porn terms like edging.  In Indian Tantra that is called riding the tiger a much more poetic term that truly captures the essence of the activity. calls it edging and focuses on graphic techniques and I think there is a place for teaching techniques, but it disspells the true purpose and beauty of Tantra.  In the Tantra I learned to hold off orgasms and it was called walking the razor’s edge. 

It is done in connection with the FIRE meditation so that the energy of fire is burning through your body. This doesn’t exhaust your body but instead enlivens it and sends sexual energy through out the body.  This energy brings an increase in the body’s energy, sexual energy, happiness and creativity.  It also gives you clarity and the ability to be present.  That is the true gift of Tantra, not a particular technique, not a bastardized version of a scared aspect of building sexual energy.  For me I rather walk the razor’s edge than edge. I don’t want a watered down version of Tantra.  I want the real thing.  

Oh yeah, erections are important and Tantra can definitely help with them.