TANTRA: the YONI and what men don’t know

One thing I encounter is a true lack of understanding as to how the yoni works.  I often ask clients if their partner is having orgasms.  I usually get yes  and I ask how do you know? Do you ask ? That is the simplest way.  No, they moan.  That is not a very good indication.   Do they have strong vaginal contractions?  A good female orgasm will make the womb contract it is like the universe is moving through your body and you are being transported to a different realm.  And you squirt and your are flooded with warmth and no it isn’t pee.  I have tasted it. Plus I have a video that shows the fluid coming out of the vaginia and the vaginia contracting while pushing out the fluid.  If you have seem porn where there is a big arc of fluid that is pee, sorry that isn’t how female ejactulate works.  Yes many women can squirt if given proper stimulation and for a woman it is the best sort of orgasm.  The best. However women have a variety of sexual response and clitoral orgasms are not imamature or second rate.  They still are awesome.

One issue I get pretty consistently is  ” my gf, wife has had children  and her pussy  is too big  to satisfy me.”  Well first it takes 1 year for the body to return to normal.  However the yoni works much the same way as the lingam.  When the yoni is stimulated and the body is stimulated it swells with blood and becomes tighter and juicer.  Just the same way the lingam swells with blood and grows longer and thicker so does the yoni it grows tight elongates and throbs.  If you aren’t getting these responses then the woman isn’t ready for penetration.  Focus on foreplay, focus on pleasure of the entire body, breathe in enegy,  be aware of the body and the pleasure it feels.  Don’t focus on friction sex or strictly penetration.  That is for teenagers.  Focus on lifting your consciousness to a higher more energetic plane where your entire body is orgasmic.  One more thing.  Men will complain about what they precieve as big pussies, but never consider they have a small dick.  My ex always complained I had a big pussy.  But the truth was he had a small dick with soft erections from drinking a bottle of Jim Beam every night.  Since leaving him I have never heard that complaint since.  Know the yoni, love the yoni, stimulate the  yoni until it clamps down on your penis no matter its size.  That is how it is made. 


I ask a lot of questions in a session, but I also listen.  One thing I inquire about is if the person has experienced the rise of kundalini energy or of their sexual energy or fire energy, or if their orgasms are only felt in the fire chakra or sex region.  Most people state that they experience an orgasm only in their sex region.  

 If an orgasm is only felt in the pelvis the biology behind that is the rest of the body isn’t engaged or stimulated.  There is a lack of response in the rest of the body as it hasn’t been touched and the overall energy level in the body is low.  Yes, stimulating the sex organs alone will produce an orgasm, but it will remain in the sex organs and not be a full body orgasm.  

The Tantra explaination is that the kundalini energy hasn’t been awakened and can’t rise through your body and expand as there are blocks in the central channel, the chakras are misaligned so the sexual energy is trapped in the sex chakra.  You don’t trust yourself not to be burned by your own pleasure and desire.   In Tibetan Tantra that chakra is referred to as the fire chakra and when properly energized burns through the blocks in the other chakras so it can travel up the central channel to bring a glimpse of enlightenment through a full body orgasm.  The body is free to feel the full expression of desire, of pleasure, of bliss.  

I have a friend who acts as my confidante, sexual counselor and explainer of all things male and incomprehension-able to me.  He claims that to experience a full body orgasm the stars must be right, the partner must be right, all things must combine perfectly to produce this full body orgasm.  

On this our opinions diverge. And I have too much respect for him to disagree with him.  I only experience full body orgasms and have for years.  In many ways it has been extradionarily healing.  Since I am satisfied at deep soul level I don’t feel the need to engage in ego based sex where I am trying to prove something, or to seek out partners for the sole purpose of having sex.  When I was young and after my divorce I had periods of promiscuity.  I engaged in a lot of random unfulfilling sex.   I had orgasms.  Anyone can have an orgasm.  It is the natural function of your body.   And while I had orgasms with my ex husband they became increasingly unstastisfying and only reinforced that I was missing something wonderful. Here I digress.  I have met many unhappy married men who stay married because they profess they love their wives but in reality don’t want to split up their assets and feel loyalty to the marriage. Let me give you a reality check. If you are living in a community property state your assets are fully split up anyway.  Secondly, platonic love is reserved for sisters, mothers, daughters, not your wife. And speaking strictly as a woman I don’t want any man to stay with me out of a misguided sense of duty.  Also there is the lonileness factor and the unwillingness to take responsibility for your own life.  My ex moved out of our house and in with his mother and then lived for short periods of time with girlfriends until he found a new wife.   He is 61 years old and has never taken care of himself or lived alone.  He remains a child in everything but form.  Alone time even if it is brief is imperative to growth.  No one is served remaining in a loveless marriage neither the partners nor any childern.  When I say loveless I mean romantic love and desire. 

What the hell does that have to do with full body orgasms? Well a good deal. Full body orgasms are a technique.  Through Tantra breath work, body work and a amazingly powerful fire meditation full body orgasms are possible for 99% of men and women.

The other key is total acceptance of your body and the body of your beloved. Acceptance comes through touch, and taste and smell using all of our own senses in sex. 

And this is not bragging but an illustrative story.  I spent an hour touching my partner, with my mouth,my face, my body and then pleasure him. Afterwards he laid there with his hand on his head I guess so as to not let the energy escape and he said, my head tingles. That is the fire rising through the body burning away blocks to pleasure.  

Don’t settle for a smoking ember when you can have a roaring fire that lights up your entire body and mind. 

Tantra & Sexual Healing of the Yoni

Men are in a unquie position to help a woman heal from traumatic experiences either sexual or otherwise.  In Tantra the penis is referred to as the lingam or jade shaft or wand of light.  The lingam is seem as a not a weapon but as a organ of healing.  It can massage places in the yoni or vagina to bring health and well being.  Yet many men have a conflicted relationship to their lingam.  They have been told not to touch it or women have said it hurts them and so it seems like it is a negative force rather than the healing wand of light it is meant to be.  

I recently attended a yoni healing workshop.  Where women discussed their relationship to their yoni.  Many expressed that they didn’t lubricate or that sex was painful and these were young women.  I am always the oldest, but I am not experiencing those problems either. What came out in this workshop that is important for men to know is that when you force the lingam into the yoni or talk the woman into having sex she doesn’t want, the yoni shuts down.  It becomes less sensitive. Doctors will often tell women that the vagina doesn’t have nerve endings and sensations that all the pleasure centers are in the clitoris or bliss pearl.  That is just not true.  The yoni is very sensitive and has the g-spot and a-spot and cervix all which can produce orgasms.  However, because of rough or insensitive treatment these spots may have shut down.

And how does this relate to the lingam?  When a man shows love for the yoni with his lingam the yoni responds with pleasure and regains its ability to feel pleasure.  How does a man do that? He makes sure the yoni is ready for his lingam.  He kisses it,  he rubs and massages the yoni,  he touches the entire body of his lover, and he waits until the yoni wants him.  He might do this by taking the lingam and rubbing the head up and down the opening of the yoni.  Asking his lover if she wants his lingam.  And when she says yes, he gently moves the lingam inside the yoni that greets him with a warm wet pulling sensation.  

If the lingam feel any resistance he moves out and waits until the yoni is completely receptive.  Just by waiting until the yoni is receptive and is completely ready to be penetrated the lingam will heal past traumas 

Tantra: it works 

Tantra isn’t magic, it isn’t one thing or another.  It is a total shift in how you view your body, how you view your place in the world and what draws most people to Tantra how you experience pleasure.  So many people stay in their head during sex, letting thoughts pop up, engaging in some fantasy or projecting their fantasy onto someone else.  

I notice a influx of Tantra information that has been simplified to be almost meaningless and other Tantra techniques that have undergone pornification.  Edging is one.  In Tantra it is called walking the razor’s edge or riding the tiger and it sustains sexual energy isn’t frustrating but intensily pleasurable.  Recently I was contacted by a person that had found a type of tantric breath work and was bragging about his new ability to get firmer erections and intensify his orgasms.  And learning such a technique will work.  That is the magic of Tantra it works.  If you do the techniques it works. You don’t have to believe, you don’t have to know the principles, just do the techniques.  

However, knowing the correct techniques,how to do them, and the philopshy behind them will enhance the benefits by about 90%.  Going back to the breath guy.  Yes, he learned a breath and breathing differently will nourish your entire body, touch the Kundalini energy and help get stronger erections.  However, his experience was still all up in his head.  Tantra wants your body to experience sex and to be totally involved in the pleasure without the mind breaking through to comment.  Tantra offered him some minuscule  benefits, but to really experience Tantra you want to be totally relaxed and focused on one thing your pleasure.  The higher your pleasure the more your partner feels it and is also included in your pleasure.  

I had sex with the same man for 25 years.  I had orgasms. I had great orgasms.  I never experienced it as pleasure.  It was sexual.  That is different. Osho says sexual is when we pervert the natural normal pleasure of sex into something meant to arouse us without the pleasure of our senses.  Now since practicing Tantra I seldom fall into fantasy, I am present and fully alive during sex.  Nothing is going through my mind .  My senses are fully engaged in the experience of pleasure from how my lover feels to his taste to his smell to the sounds of his breath.  There is no room for thinking my entire body is consumed with the fire of my pleasure as it ignites the fire chakra and burns through my body .  
That is Tantra and it works

Tantra is on Fire

The fire chakra is where most of the work of Tantra takes place.  That is the sex area, symbolized by a red three dimensional triangle.  The simple technique is that the fire of desire and pleasure when channeled correctly burns up through the central channel clearing any other blocks in the body.  Clearing out past traumas both sexual and non sexual.  

The fire meditation for self pleasuring and partner sex is designed to heal and enhance the creativity of the entire body.  To make the body more capable of bliss, joy, happiness.

Tantra-moving from friction sex to Tantra 

I am always surprised and then a bit shocked when someone tells me they don’t care about sex.  For me it is like saying I don’t care about breathing or eating.  And I believe it is from people who have only experienced friction sex, the rubbing of sex organs to produce a spark of what Tantra sex provides. Tantra provides unity, reveals the your connection to your lover and the universe.  Sex is at the center of our bliss our joy without it depression or vague unhappiness sets in.  I just don’t think it is possible to live creativity without a full connection to the fire chakra. 

Tantra Sex Cures

Tantra offers very real help for erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, low intensity orgasms and lack of desire. However, like anything of value it has to be practiced consistently.  It can’t be a one time thing and then be expected to work.  Nothing in life really works that way.  Yet I get plenty of clients looking for help as sort of a last ditch effort to revive their sex drive, and any other issues involving sex.  Under those circumstance I can usually offer some help, but it is a less than ideal situation.  As with anything we shouldn’t wait until to last minute to fix things.  Often I feel I doing triage instead on Tantra.  If your car oil light is blinking you don’t wait until the engine is smoking to take it in.  Our bodies are the same. To have optimal health you have to do certain things.  You have to drink enough water 8 to 10 8oz glasses a day. You have to exercise at least 20 minutes every day. Drink moderately, and eat moderately, have a spiritual path or purpose and have a healthy sex life.  This is not hard stuff, but it is what you need.  

I often am contacted by men after they have lived 5 years, 10 years, or 15 years without sex. Some have found outlets through Tantra, girlfriends, other avenues.  Many have remained “faithful” This is my take on being faithful.  It is hard if the marriage or partnership isn’t meeting both sexual and emotional needs.  And if one of the partners refuses to meet the needs of the other and this goes both ways.  They have broken the promises of marriage and aren’t being faithful. I don’t think a person who won’t have sex with their partner is being faithful.  They have broken that vow first.  This is something that needs to be discussed with nonviolent communication techniques that I touch on in a session, but I expand on them in my 21DayTantra wellness certification.  Tantric sex does cure or enhance the health of your body.  However, it doesn’t do it with porn style sex.  Tantra cures by opening the heart balancing your elemental chakras and allowing sexual energy to flow freely bringing the body back into balance and letting joy be present in each moment. 

Tantra, Sex, and Healing

This is a subject that is important to me and yet has the possibility of offending people.  And since it is not my goal to offend people I approach the topic with hesitancy.  What I want to dicuss is healing and Tantra and sex.  It is true Tantra does heal and the healing works takes place in the fire chakra or genitile region as that is where we store our trauma and pain.  When the body has a lot of trauma from rejection, to injury, to past abuse, it will shut down sexual responses. This can lead to difficulty getting and maintaining an erection, lack of intensity during orgasms or a general lack of interest in sex.  Often men will notice a change in erections around the age of 37 to 46.  They mention that it takes longer to get erect and they don’t seem as firm and the actual orgasm is less intense.  That is what I see and have studied.  Then in a slightly older group of men 56 to 64 I hear that they have difficulty getting maintaining erections and often they are unable to maintain a firm erection to engage in sex.  This is accompanied by weak orgasms.  Another problem I see is younger men that have difficulty having an orgasm.  

I am going to address these issues by age:

21 to 30 year old men who can’t orgasm.  This seems to be directly connected with intimacy and emotional connection.  Men aren’t sex machines and can’t perform on command so often hook-up sex fueled by booze often won’t provide satisfying sex and orgasm can be delayed.  This is an issue the resolves when a satisfying emotional partnership is formed. Relaxation and breathing techniques help also having knowledge of human sexuality, sexual responses, and sexual anatomy.  I can remember my ex husband when we first married thought women peed from the vaginia.  He was oblivious to female anatomy.  This can and does present problems for young men.  A man needs to know his way around the yoni. 

37 to 46 year old men with a change in erections and lose of intensity. An emotional issue is that men tend to compare everything to their sexual response at 16 to 20.  This period of time is an anomaly in sexual function.  The youthful body is flush with hormones and it is like a birth into sexuality. Everything is new and overwhelming.  Emotions and sexual responses are intensified. Erections are plentiful and spontaneous.  Usually men learn to orgasms quickly and intensely with little integration of the complete body or as I often point out the lingam was the focal point of pleasure and orgasms.  However, this is not a productive way to approach adult sex.  Adult sex requires foreplay, extended stimulation of the entire body and in particular of the yoni and lingam, but it needs to be the right sort of stimulation. An openness to new ideas, new ways of viewing sex will generally intensity orgasms and often lead to full body orgasms.  And if good sexual communication skills haven’t been learned this is the time for that to occur.  Health also impacts sex and this is the time to develop healthy habits or drinking enough water, engaging in deep breathing, exploring a spiritual path or purpose to life and exercise and a healthy weight. Also some men won’t notice any change.  It is also a good time to have male hormone levels checked.   And not to rely on a doctor that says you are within range.   The range is huge and you want to be on the upper end.  Sexually you should be experimenting and enjoying full body orgasms. 

  • 56 to 64 year old men with a lose of desire or living a life void of sex. This is generally my most challenging group. For 2 reasons.  1) They have very rigid ideas about sex and how to have an orgasm.  They have often been using a fantasy from their youth to fuel the desire for masterbation.  2) Because of the lack of sex they have lost the ability to experience pleasure. This is not true of even 15% of the men in this age group.  Most are as functional and have as much desire as 30 year old men.  However, for the men having issues in this age group it is focused on the inability to become fully erect and to maintain the erection and also orgasms that lack intensity.  Once again these are totally normal reactions to what we have learned about sex.  Unfortunately, most of what we have learned is negative and inaccurate.  Holding your breath straining like you are going to have a bowl movement is not going to produce a good orgasm.  It won’t.  There is an idea that this is how your orgasms happened when you were young, but that is also inaccurate. Your body was at the peak of health the orgasm virtually flowed out while you took deep full breaths.  Instead of remembering those complete full breaths the mind remembers the muscular tension, which was really youthful strength.  Plus if the person has been living many years without sex the pleasure of tantric touch can be overwhelming and the body is overloaded and can’t take it in.  It is not like when a person is young.  Lust desire can override a lot of things.  However, if a person has spent years ignoring his or her sexual needs that had built up a lot of trauma in the body and spirit.  It is not healthy to be celibate for extended periods of time.  It is a use it or lose it thing. 
  • Erections can be an issue, but unless there is an underlying health issue that is because of lack of direct stimulation of the lingam.  It needs to be adored and love on.  
  • Tantra provides answers for all these issues and produces full body orgasms and engagement.   

Sex Dates

I have been visiting family with small childern who have busy busy lives.  It is exhausting just to watch the work and time involved.  It brought back how extraordinarily busy I was in my 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s with my family, my home, our family business, and marriage.  I will not say my marriage failed because of the lack of sex.  It failed because my ex is an asshole and that is as much explanation as I can give.  

However, I remember the sex was always hurried, took place late at night or sometimes early in the morning.  There was very little pleasure involved and it was mostly focused on let’s hurry and get an orgasm and finish.  It was what I can only describe as low quality sex.  My ex was dissatisfied with my body and the lack of romantic feelings in our marriage.  

There was nothing wrong with my body it was just a way for him to be critical and unloving.  Also, I didn’t have romantic feelings for him.  I knew that the day we got married.  Like many young women I wanted the get married and have a family and I didn’t make a conscious choice.  I made a choice based on what I thought I was expected to do.  Was I happy.  Sometimes.  I was too busy to give it much thought.  Maybe that should have been a clue.  That I needed to think about my life, my choices, my marriage.  

Too many people don’t think and instead just stay busy and react to life rather than make conscious choices about how they want their life to feel and how they want their marriage to feel.  Letting a relationship just exist results in stagnation and eventually a deadening of joy in all aspects of life.  Women can react by becoming non orgasmic and men can react by suffering from ED or other sexual dysfunction.  A marriage a partnership is incomplete without real intimacy.

 I talk to clients and people I know and one common problem is that people don’t have time for intimacy.  I often hear from young people in their 30’s that they only have sex once or twice a month.    That is not enough to keep feelings of intimacy alive and growing.  When the sexual aspect of marriage is not nurtured your lover eventually becomes your friend and then your roommate.  To live celibate with our partner ourlover is unnatural and to have rushed hurried sex is to cheat yourself of life’s greatest pleasure, love making.  It is called love-making because it produces love.  

However, to make love there has to be time and that is where the sex date comes in.  If your marriage/relationship is important, time has to be made for sex.  Making a sex date doesn’t take away from passion or spontaneity in fact it can often add to it as something to look forward to and plan for.  The stage can be set, anticipation of pleasure inhances sex and  it feels like you are courting and passion is kindled.   It might feel unnatural at first to set time aside but in time it will be something to look forward to.  So many people look forward to sitting down in with a snack and watching TV or get excited about beer and a football game.  Sex feels better than those things.  Touching and being touched is the most pleasurable thing in life, it is the first thing we seek out as babies, it is what we yearn for in adolescence, but when we marry and life takes over sex takes second place to a football?