Lies about sex and why they hurt us

It is always amazing to me the how little people know about sex and the amount of shame there is around it.   I here this background noise, but Jill it is only sex and not that important. No, sex is important, physical intimacy is important.  It is the cornerstone of a marriage or partnership. Sex is both a physical, emotional and spiritual need.  If those needs are not met we live a half life.

Lie number oneSex hurts.  Sex should not hurt.  If it does there is something wrong. Find out what is wrong and fix it.  Find the right position, find the right lubrication, use enough foreplay, add an estrogen supplement  for just the yoni to keep it pink, but sex should not hurt. I am going to use myself as an example, because I know a lot about my own body.  I have a titled uterus.  It has always been tilted.  That is how it is. Certain positions aren’t that comfortable to me as I don’t like my cervix banged on.  Some women do and can even have orgasms from cervical stimulation.  I can’t and it is not a good feeling for me. So I move to a position that does feel good and hits my g-spot, which I like stimulated.

Sex isn’t important when you are oldYes, it is. It is one of the few things that makes you feel young.  And for some reason older men and women have stronger orgasms.  Being comfortable with someone doesn’t mean not having sex.  It should mean that your partner is who you go to for comfort and sex.

My spouse lost interest in sexNo.  How do you lose interest in sex when you are having orgasms, feeling loved, and being comforted. No one gets tired of that.  If sex has been a chore and there hasn’t been good communication and the orgasms aren’t there, age is a good excuse to stop that unfulfilling sex. Because our society tells us that women after menopause lose interest in sex.  A man told me he thought his wife was happy, but she didn’t have an orgasms every time they had sex.  My response was, “Would you have sex if you weren’t going to have an orgasm?”  Think about it for a minute.  I have many close girlfriends my age.  We all like sex.  A lot.  And we are all done with that menopause stuff.  Getting old doesn’t mean losing interest in sex.  Sex should be a part of a good healthy relationships.  And sex brings healthy benefits to people.

Sex is not a Bargaining ChipSex is not a tool for manipulation.  It just isn’t.  It should always be a mutual and fulfilling endeavor. Something that brings happiness and fun into the relationships.  Sex can only be used as bargaining or manipulation if there is shame attached to sex or it is seen as something a man does to a woman rather than a mutual give and take.  And that is a conversation that begins with, “Baby, I love you, but I am not going to be manipulated by you withholding sex.   Sex is for both of us to enjoy and honor our partnership.  Now tell me what I can do to make sex more enjoyable and a loving encounter for each of us.”  Sex isn’t about grouping in the middle of the night.  Sex is about laying on the bed or floor or lawn and stimulating each of the senses feeling your beloved’s skin and touch and wonder of another life that is entwined with yours. And it is about saying dirty things to each other and fucking hard.  There is a full range of sexual behavior that is mutually satisfying.  The secret is you have to open and have honest communication.

We are best friends, but we don’t make love anymore.-Right because no one wants to fuck their best friend.  It is creepy.  I have a best friend.  She has been my best friend for 50 years.  I have never wanted to have sex with her.  Lovers aren’t best friends.  They are lovers.  And it isn’t natural to ask your  lover to work a second job of being your best friend.   It is do much a of a burden in a relationship and at some point your best friend becomes not very sexy to you. Leave some mystery in the relationship.         


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