In my dating life and now my professional life I am always surprised to hear men say that they love their wives but are no longer sexually active with them or the sex is irregular. The ones that are trying to date me, I assume are being somewhat dishonest, but lately I wonder if that is the case. In my mind I think you are married, you have a partner, you love your partner, why aren’t you making love to your partner. Bottom line is that I tend to be a little simple minded like that. Why would you not have sex? I think I went over a few reasons, health, resentments, and conflict in the relationship. My response is that sex makes us healthier by increasing hormone levels, resentments deepen without connection and conflict it more intense when there is no sex in the relationships. Sex will actually heal the reasons you are not having sex.
I think another reason is that sex is intimate maybe even more intimate than we want to be. If we can depersonalize with porn, dirty talk, getting spicy as some call it we don’t feel vulnerable, we don’t open ourselves to someone really knowing the deepest part of us. We can go about our daily routines with a person and they are there in body, but without a truly intimate connection they are not there in soul. Intimacy, true intimacy is stressful and comes with a lot of work and growth. Not everyone is up for the task.
One main reason we don’t seek out sex in a marriage is to avoid intimate feelings of connection. I know that good marriages do happen and married couple continue to have sex and be happy in bed. So when you find yourself not having sex, or making excuses to avoid sex and really exploring sexual pleasure in a marriage it is a good time to begin some real communication. Tantra communication or non violent communication offers very valuable ways to talk about sex and intimacy in a direct problem solving manner.