I forget to write about women and as a woman I should know something, I suppose. Just like I can’t generalize about men; I can’t generalize about women. My experiences as a woman aren’t the same as other women’s experiences. However, from talking with my female friends and listening to men talk about women, I can say this resentment builds over time and is a killer for good sex and intimacy and relationships.
Resentment is funny thing because it starts out as kindness or compromise. Our husband or boyfriend or lover asks for something and rather than voice our true feelings, such as, “Honey I love you but I am not going to go get you a beer this time.” We get up and get the beer and the first 100 times we don’t say anything and then suddenly the resentment sets in–hard. Then it is a fight and then it builds up and then we aren’t feeling sexy toward the partner, at all. This starts a little cycle. The woman has resentments, she says no, the partner then feels rejected and then they either push too hard for sex or stop pushing for sex. Both are bad. The key is resentment and not communicating boundaries form the very beginning. If I am constantly and positively releasing the my feelings then resentment doesn’t set in. At least when I recognize I feel resentment it needs to be stated and not is some venting crazed way. I know couples that have been married 30, 40 years and never fought until that one fight and it lead to a divorce after decades of not fighting. Resentment is tricky like that.
To communicate in Tantra is to be clear about what we want. To communicate what we want in life, in relationships, in bed requires knowing what we want and then clearly stating it. Yet, stating it from a place of love and compassion for the other person. Back to the beer example. “Honey, I love you and if I am up getting me a beer I will gladly get one for you, but asking me to make a special trip for you makes me resent you.” That is the truth and spoken from love and compassion the partner can hear the truth. Truth is what brings our lives joy in bed and out of bed. Here I fall back on my own life. One reason I like sex so much is that during sex I feel most real, most true to myself, and most alive. Those feelings can not flow if resentment is blocking them.